The end of 2024

Another year ends. I've always hated New Year's Eve, especially since I seriously considered killing myself one New Year's Eve 19 or 20 years ago.

The year ends and we're looking back at what has changed, what we have achieved and what's better or worse. Unfortunately, I feel that life is just becoming less and less livable.

I mean, why am I even here? I don't have a partner or someone to love, I don't have a family. I have some money, but money doesn't bring me happiness, nor does it give me a true purpose. 

I feel like I lost my purpose and hope in 2024, probably around October. 

I spoke to friends in many countries and nobody seems to truly have a fulfilling purpose or goal in life anymore. Yeah, we all go to work or pursue a career or something to better our social and financial status. But what about the ability to feel joy? How about togetherness? My friends seem depressed too, albeit in different forms maybe, but they don't seem happy. 

Is anyone truly happy these days? 

Thinking back to 2004 or 2005, yeah, I wasn't happy either. But I still lived with my mother and brother. I wasn't completely alone. I think the modern human is becoming too isolated and focuses on the wrong goals in life. 

What does all the status and wealth ultimately do for us? It won't save our health, because you can't buy health with money. It won't bring back time either, because nobody can buy time. 

I also don't understand why we have all become so picky and easy to quit. Many of my friends are single. Some have given up on ever finding love. They distract themselves with work and social media, alcohol or other addictions. But those are just Band-Aids, they don't solve the core problems. 

I know that having a partner in my life isn't a "fixes-all-solution". But I also know that the most stable time of my life was when I had family or a partner around me and I think this is true for all of us. When I lived in Asia, the happiest people often were those with family, even though they lacked money. 

Today I just feel very, very low and bad and I fear what this will do to me tomorrow. I am so tired of enduring a life most people can't even begin to understand or relate to (and I don't say this to gather sympathy or pity, but I know that most people don't live like me, except maybe Hikkikomori). 

2025, I will turn 40. I think this is my last attempt at "mastering" life. If I feel this way again a year from now, I hope I will just seize to exist...

Dear ex girlfriends...

Dear ex,

Do you still remember how we met? How excited and happy we were:)? How we counted the time until we could meet again? That first touch of our hands, that gentle stroke of your cheek, that hand, caressing over your back and hair? 

Do you remember us walking hand in hand, full of happiness and excitement at the perspective of our bright, new future? Our long talks on the phone or in person? Our movie nights, our meals at restaurants or at home that always tasted better because we had them together?

How we fell asleep together as almost strangers, but awaking as familiar souls? Embracing each other all night, listening to our hearts beat in sync, feeling each other's warmth?

Our gentle and passionate love-making, feeling so close and connected? 

How one of us came home and the other one just wanted to hug you? 

Even our fights...weren't they proof that we could make it, dear ex?

Nothing worth having ever comes easy. A relationship without fights or few fights is always a superficial, unhealthy one 

(https://corevaluescounseling.com/core-values-couples/never-fight-bad-sign/ ).

And yet, dear ex, you decided to give it all up. You decided to see love as a game or some chewing gum that needs to be spit out, once the "flavor" is gone. 

Did it at least make you happy? Are you now in love with someone you don't want to discard? 

No, you aren't. And why? Because you don't seem to understand that we are ALL flawed beings. None of us are perfect. But we can become better versions of ourselves because of you, dear ex (and vice versa).

I know that being with you made me stronger. It made me fight harder, try harder, be a better version of myself. But I was counting on you to do the same. And you let me down...

At a certain point in our lives, we have to ask ourselves why we always leave people or people leave us.

I don't know for sure what made you leave me, dear ex. But I know that I never asked for something I couldn't give. That I didn't lie to you or cheat on you. And I know that I always fought hard for us and would still fight for our love for eternity if you would do the same. But, dear ex, it seems you were too scared or lazy or maybe don't know yourself well enough to understand that love takes work, love takes effort and love also takes fighting sometimes. A smart person will see the difference though if someone is trying to put us down for selfish gains or if that person just wants to help us or the relationship.

So, dear ex, I wish you could learn what I have learned from each of you leaving. 

The logical lesson should be to never let my guard down, to give up easily and to be emotionally closed up. 

But how, dear ex, can I find or deserve love this way? Love should be unconditional. If I want to be loved sincerely, if I want to be accepted for who I am, of course I must do the same. 

So I hope, dear ex, that you will learn this some day. And if you understand this, I hope you will remember how we met. How excited and happy we were. And how you didn't just give up on me, but also gave up on yourself and continue to do so...

The paradox of happiness and love

Why do people make relationships and love so complicated? Almost everyone I know wants or wanted to find a partner in life at some point. And of course it isn't easy to find a person that we ourselves will feel attracted to and who at the same time feels that way about us. 

So it's even harder for me to understand why two people who found that rare constellation of mutual chemistry and attraction wouldn't fight for it again and again and again - and again! Don't they realize how rare it is?

Sure, maybe you will find 20 more people who can love you - but you can't love them! Or 20 people YOU can love - but they don't want you?

So why risk it all? What do people/women want? 

My last 4 or 5 relationships all seemingly ended, because the women originally said "I want love, a partner, a family", only to then never show it with action or to change their mind.

And how well did they fare after? Surely leaving me was for an upgrade and everlasting love?

Well, not to my knowledge. The one that left me 2013 went through 10(!) guys in 2014 alone, blaming ME for it somehow (the last time she talked to me). 

The woman after her must have been already talking to someone else behind my back, because she suddenly married a guy, 30 years younger than her. Last I heard, he had beaten her/domestic violence and she was back in her home country, living with her mother. She told me "I gave up on love now". 

The next one, I have no idea what's her status. Last I heard, she had cancer, but was angry at me for asking her how she is (before I knew she has cancer), saying we won't be friends because we aren't even in the same country (so why did she offer?).

And then? Well, I don't know. I thought I had finally found someone who's different. Someone who wasn't sweeping me off my feet initially, but her consistency made me open up, letting myself become vulnerable. But it seems the more vulnerable I became, the less vulnerable she allowed herself to be.

So who is wrong here? Why do we behave in such ways? Why can't our partner be happy if we love them and accept them for who they are and want to help them and care for them? And are we selfish, only because we expect or hope for the same in return? Isn't that love?

For me, love is that I don't always put myself first. That I am willing to make sacrifices and compromises voluntarily, because I want to make that person feel special. Because I want to live with that person, pick out furniture or dishes and glasses together and just share the boring rutt we call life, making it less bleak. It's just normal for me to be honest and loyal and direct if I am in love or a serious relationship. And yet it seems like I am being very bad for being this way, because it ultimately seems to chase everyone away or makes them indifferent to me. 

So what do these women want? Do they really know? Are they aware that, like all of us, they most likely have a plethora of trauma that they need the acknowledge if they ever want to have a successful relationship? That the length of a relationship isn't necessarily a sign that we know what love is (it could be trauma-bonding)? 

All I want is someone who LETS me love them and is happy to have me. And while I know some people like that (at least it seems), I can't seem to feel these feelings for them. 

So although I think I know what love is to me, I am absolutely clueless about the process of falling in love. It doesn't involve looks (because I often could have been with a "prettier" girl than the one I loved, but those prettier girls didn't tempt me in the least) and I also don't know what kind of personality it requires (nobody has a perfect personality and every woman I dated and I myself have flaws). 

So why are we wasting so many years of our life, hoping for perfection? Why aren't we more grateful for what we have and work with that? Do we know for sure if it will work? No. But while we try, we are happy. And isn't that what we all want?

The melancholy of love

Love. Relationships. Why is it so complicated? Why do people have to make it so complicated? That's something I never understood. 

If I have a relationship with someone, I try to accept this person for who they are. I will start to care about them and their well-being becomes a concern of mine. I will want to know if they're ok, what they're thinking and feeling and want to help them to feel safe, to feel trusted. And of course I hope that they feel the same feelings for me.

But in reality, it seems that I always fail at making my partner happy. The more I try to give or sacrifice, the less it seems to matter to them. The more it seems to be taken for granted. And I feel worried or even afraid that they will leave me. 

The sad thing is that I usually know or feel early on that this person won't fight for me/us. That they won't really care if it's all over. It's something I can't understand. Maybe because I am someone who learned to open up to people rather easily? I know from experience that most women are usually very insecure inside. They are terrified to be vulnerable, to open up or to let themselves fall in love. Or they think early on that they fall for someone, but that's just a juvenile, teenage sort of attraction, usually based on looks or some toxic understanding of love and desire. 

We all usually come with a lot of trauma, a lot of fear, a lot of uncertainties. More experience should make it easier for us to have a functioning relationship, but it seems it makes it harder. We have more things to fear maybe? 

It just seems unfair...you spend all this time to try to build something with someone. You are actually happy when you're together. You want to make plans for the future and be an adult. But you're always highly dependent on that other person and their volatility. 

Why can I just decide "I want to make this work with her", but the women can't? Is it my fault for expecting too much? Or do I just expect that they know their own traumas and weaknesses and acknowledge them? I know I do expect that women would be more rational about this. If we're 30, 35 or 40 and we never married, it seems clear that we are at least a part of the problem. It seems clear that we will NEVER succeed unless we change. And why not change with a partner? Instead of alone? 

Yes, we can move on. But it only means we're nomads of love. We never have a home, we never belong. Our heart is never safe, never arrives. We waste our life with fleeting moments of happiness, but it's like we are addicts of pain. We endure far more pain for those fleeting moments of happiness. And why? Because we can't take the risk? 

No relationship can work if both people don't make an equal effort, are equally self-aware and willing to fight. And I'm afraid many people either never realize that or just after it's already way too late...

Men and Women

What's going wrong between men and women these days? What do men and women even want anymore? 

I grew up, learning that women are more mature than men. That men are basically pigs who just want sex and that women are more mature and want to be serious. That women would appreciate men who are kind, sweet, caring and sincere and that they would reciprocate in kind. 

Unfortunately, reality has shown me pretty much the opposite. 

From what I have seen from friends who were or had been married, from couples, from acquaintances, women are solipsistic. This means their decisions are filtered through their perception as if the world revolves around them. It’s not that they are selfish; it’s that they are self-interested.

This is of course pretty much the opposite of what my mother taught me. And looking at my father, he was taught the same lessons and learned the hard way that words mean nothing (his wife left, came back, left again, cheated, divorced him). 

I think the issue is that the way men and women are raised is different. I could see this when I was a kid with my female friend and her brothers. The mom would ask the brothers (male) to do "male" things like carrying heavy stuff or things that required more risk or physical strength. My female friend was given more "feminine" tasks like setting the table (less risk). 

If we keep that in mind, it makes sense that women by large are not exactly risk takers.

I ever did some research on WHY women are not willing or afraid to take the first step to approach someone they like.

The main reason?

1. Fear of rejection 

2. Appearing cheap/too needy/easy to have.

To me, this makes me laugh in anger. I mean, these are the exact same things that men are afraid of too! So why do men do it? Probably because we already LEARNED from reality that we HAVE to take this risk, or nothing happens. We learn "if you want anything, you must make an effort, even though in most cases, you won't be rewarded or even punished for it!"

Women on the other hand often learn or see that not only do they not HAVE to make the effort, they will still often be rewarded. Sometimes even women who did awful things and don't deserve it. 

If I grew up as a woman, I am sure I would be the same way most likely (anyone would be), because such power corrupts.

Now, don't get me wrong. This is not supposed to make me sound like I hate women. Or blame them. I just think that this huge difference in how parents and later society treats men and women is so different that equality is absolutely impossible, unless men and women had exactly the same pros and cons. But as it is, there are countless things a woman can do that a man can't do, such as false rape accusations, physically attacking a man, being super emotional and often childish with few or no repercussions. And that's not good, not for men OR women. 

Many, many of my female friends have complained about these kind of women at work or as former "friends". Other women who seduced their husbands or didn't do anything at work, yet never had to be responsible for it.

Surely anyone dislikes such people?

And here's the crux of things:

Women seem to expect us men to think like women. Men seem to expect women to think like men. Obviously, it seems impossible for both sides to ever fully understand the other. But it seems neither side is even willing to understand or emphasize!

Women for example seem to care a lot about height, looks, status and income in a man. A lot of women complain online that "although I have a great job and career and make money, nobody wants me!"

First of all, it's not nobody. It's the men THEY want who don't want them (and they should think why they want what they can't have, that seems like a baby that ignores a toy, but cries if someone else plays with it). 

Second, men don't care what your job or income is. Why? Because men don't ask women for money. We KNOW that your house, your money, your income is YOURS. Sure, with equality and all, we should be permitted to ask a woman to give us half or buy US a house, but we all know that this would never happen. And I don't know any men who would be so honorless to even ask for it. Such men do exist, but they're huge red flags for women.

Men also care less about looks than women might think. They seem more willing to overlook height, some extra weight or physical imperfections. In my experience, it is women who harshly judge other men or WOMEN for how they look.

Men on the other hand expect that women use a very straightforward, logical approach to things. That's what you learn as a man. No lies, no games, no BS, just cut to the chase! I can understand how, if you're raised as a woman, that's also super foreign to a woman.

But when we reach a certain age, shouldn't all this become something we learned and understand?

So why is it that men and women are still fighting and blaming each other? Why do so many women claim they are happy being single (and being single isn't the same as being alone btw, huge difference!) and yet they also complain "all men suck, there aren't any good ones"? Why would that matter if they're happy?

They say by 2030, 30-50% of all men not only are single and virgine, but they also completely stopped dating or trying to have a relationship. And 50% or more of all women will be single.

I think it's time men and women stop being so damn selfish and find a way to communicate better. Don't just point fingers and blame, look at what the problem is, put your ego aside and talk to each other to find solutions!

Why are we here?

Lately, I was often thinking about life and its meaning. About the relationships we have, the people we meet that come and go and what actually makes us happy in life. 

The movie Matrix (which in return had heavily "borrowed" its ideas from Japanese anime) made us wonder: What's reality and what's the point?

Some of us seem to live in blissful ignorance. They are just happy with very little, maybe because they are not even aware that there are things they miss. 

Then there are others. People who are more sensitive or aware. I unfortunately seem to be one of them. From a young age, I have experienced depression and eventually also anhedonia 

(Anhedonia is explained well here:

https://youtu.be/DLnKanwAd_Q?si=4NUpPTYcZ2QGLvgo )

I often thought that if I was in the Matrix, I would also rather experience blissful ignorance. Reality is often harsh and can let life appear as pretty pointless.

Because what really is the point? Work? An education through schools? A status?

Those do not seem to be things that WE as humans really need. Those seem to be things that we are trained to pursue, because they create wealth and power for others. You can live life with little money, even without money. Education will help you to get a job, but it doesn't necessarily make you street-smart or helps you to survive. 

If you spend years to get an education, then more years to pursue a job or career (where they will eventually replace you anyways), are you really serving yourself? Or are you serving the economy, the company and others? You don't get paid for charity, you get paid because you create a profit (people say an employee needs to bring in about 30% more than he costs). 

So why do we do those things? Is it really our free will or is it learned? Is it ok to question it like I do?

I think I asked myself those questions since a younger age, because I felt underutilized or bored in school sometimes (although I didn't excel academically at all times) and because I felt an urge to think differently and swim against the current. 

I tried to do things differently, probably in big parts due to my condition (the above-mentioned anhedonia and depression). I don't seem to find my "meaning" in life from chasing power, status or money. I felt happiest when I had instead good friends, a good relationship or (I assume) a family. 

So I often thought that this is paramount: To find someone I like and can love. This person doesn't have to be perfect (neither am I), but should be open to reason and should have come to similar conclusions as I have (or think about it maybe). 

We are social creatures. We have always been rather mobile as hunters and gatherers. We weren't made to sit in offices or planes or cars half our lives, but to go out there and to experience this planet, preferably with others. 

That's already something that's very difficult to do (if you think about how tourism is streamlined and you barely have any "freedom" to discover anything anymore). And it's even harder in my opinion to find like-minded people. Just like in "The Matrix", many people seem to prefer to avoid to think how harsh reality might be or won't realize it until they're much older (or never). Maybe because they never experienced how soul-crushing and crippling it feels if you can't feel joy and lack hope or a goal in life.

Does it seem like I make my happiness depend on others if I think having a partner improves my life? Yes, I can see how people would think that. But we make our own happiness depend on others on a daily basis and more than we realize. Our whole civilization depends on others. On the people who provide us with water, electricity, safety, jobs, food, etc. Take it all away and see... wouldn't people then be very eager to make themselves depend on others too?

Besides, I don't want just "anyone". I want someone who can see that a mutual "dependency", while it may look unhealthy might not be so bad (within reason). By trusting someone you don't know (and we never truly know anyone 100%, not even family), we also make life a bit more exciting. It gives us something to work on, to pursue. It gives our life more meaning. Doesn't it?

Demographic challenges (and chances?)

In the near future, we will all (except some in Asia and most in Africa) experience a drastic change in our lives and our overall comfort. What we consider normal today or may even take for granted could become a luxury or be gone completely (such as easily available food and services, travelling, free time).

Most Western countries and many on other continents already have shrinking populations. This will lead to a lack of manpower, a lack of standard of living and an overall lack of comfort. With older people who currently still work retired and not enough young people taking over, those of us who still DO work might have to work 6-7 days per week. And not 8 hours, but maybe 12-14 like in South Korea. The worst thing is that this will only soften the blow. Our overall life will still be worse, with less comfort.

So what can or should we do? Animal species that survived for centuries did so by adaptation and migration. Thus, we would have to be willing to take a lot of risk or sacrifice comfort TODAY for an overall better comfort level TOMORROW. Will we be willing to do that? Will there be some advantages to this? Maybe we will become more social at least, as incomes fall and we will have less, but we have each other?

Can we change?

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about myself and life. I am 38 now, almost half a human life and I often wonder: Did I really learn anything? I am not happy with my life and I am not even sure anymore what my goals or hopes for the future are. I do have a wish to find a good partner, but Stoicism and other teachings tell us that we must learn to find happiness within. This confuses me, because people who are happy rarely seem to be alone. So how much can we include other people? Obviously, we shouldn't make our happiness depend on others. But if we marry for example or start a family, don't we do that to some extent? When we fall in love, isn't that also something we do and have to do? 

I am confused where I keep going wrong in life and what I can and have to change. I know I am someone who seems to be too sensitive, who's constantly overthinking and who must seem quite negative. I don't know if there's much I can do about it though. How do I stop to think? How do I stop to feel? If I worry, is it with good reason or without? 

I remember 17 years ago, I was having problems in one of my first relationships. The girl didn't seem to know what she wanted. One day, she seemed to love me, another day, she didn't. One day, she seemed to plan a future with me, another day, she didn't. I felt very stressed and it affected me at work and in my daily life, because I was thinking about this all day. I shared with some friends and they gave me advice. But because of what I still felt for her, I couldn't follow that advice (which was to leave her and focus on myself). So my friends got tired of listening to me complain. Back then, I couldn't always understand it, although sometimes I may have. But if it would be the same today, I think I would. Over the last 17 years, there have been occasions where I had problems that I shared. Some were about relationships, some about work, some about finances and some about just feeling depressed and unhappy.

Since I was a kid, I seem to suffer from depression, although it wasn't diagnosed until I was 17 or 18. And one part of depression is called anhedonia, the inability to feel joy. It also comes with a lack of motivation (it's somehow affected the cerebral cortex) and so far can't be cured. 

Knowing this made me wonder how much I really can control this/my life and how much it's really just "luck". I have had friends who suddenly suffered a similar fate and they told me "I could never understand you, but now I can!". I felt bad for them that they had to go through this as well, but also a bit vindicated that maybe it wasn't just me being "lazy" or unwilling to do something. 

I feel like I want to learn and get better. But my condition confuses me a lot. With anhedonia or depression, you no longer know when you're actually powerless of the feelings and thoughts you have and when you're in charge of them. So I often ask myself: Am I just lazy? Unwilling to change or learn? Or would anyone in my position be incapable of changing or feeling different too? 

It might also be this time we live in. I seemed to be able to focus and concentrate better 15-20 years ago. Now, I am easily distracted and out of the many things I wish to do, I seem to only do a few or none. Maybe this is where I can and should start. I always thought that I had good self-control and discipline, but maybe I overestimated myself?

Also, what's the real reason I or anyone does or doesn't take advice? In some situations, it might be right not to take the advice (for example if the person giving it has never been in a situation like us or doesn't understand it). But in others? Is it egoism? Fear? Why did I not take the advice 2006/07 to leave my girlfriend for example? Would it have made my life worse? It seems the end result would have been the same. 

I have always been a diligent person. I couldn't always make a choice quickly or easily, but if I did make a choice, I usually saw it through until the (sometimes bitter) end. Maybe that's why I couldn't take advice on relationships or investments or bad jobs? I didn't want to be marked a "quitter"? 

And I do believe that people can change or better themselves. Yet, I seem to be a prime example that that's not actually the case :(. 

Chungking Express (and why you shouldn't be afraid of people who know what they feel)

I was watching Chungking Express today. The main character was just dumped by his girlfriend, May on April 1st. In pain and desperation, he decides to buy 30 cans of pineapple (May loved Pineapple) that all expire May 1st. If by then, May didn't come back or contact him, their love "expired".

While waiting, he ponders why everything has expiration dates. Why do we throw away things that still work or function? Why do people end relationships that worked for quite some time? 

And how can people's feelings change so easily? In my life, whenever I liked someone or even loved them, my feelings for them NEVER just changed! I literally can not understand how that is possible, unless those feelings someone felt were never true to begin with. It always took me years or at least months to let go and move on if someone broke up with me (and except once, I never broke with someone) and after I agreed to be with someone, even if I felt frustrated sometimes if there were the same issues, I never wanted to quit or give up. 

Love and true feelings can't expire. If they can, they aren't real. And if they aren't real, I think we don't really feel true love. Just something we mistake for love or we mimic love. 

In the second story of the movie, a policeman and his true love with his girlfriend, a stewardess is shown. The stewardess leaves him and he can't forget her, feels reminded of her through gifts she gave him (like stuffed animals) and he can't give a chance to another girl named May he often sees at a diner he visits.

This May is in love with him and starts to break into his place. Step by step, she replaces the gifts the ex gave him with new gifts by her, removes the hair the ex left behind and thus forces the police man to move on. I admire that. It's never easy to let go (I think especially for men, we seem to be far more sentimental and sensitive in that department), but what often holds us back is probably all the memories and the feelings that are still there. I read that men fall slower, but deeper in love, while women fall faster, but fall out of love faster too. Now this is just a general study/knowledge, but it's a match with what I saw myself or with friends. 

Maybe it's because there aren't too many people these days who even are serious anymore? Maybe because guys can be surprisingly sensitive (and at least some women surprisingly insensitive?). 

Of course I don't say guys are better, women are worse. But there just seem to be differences. I think I never knew any woman who really fought for a relationship that would have been good for her (only for bad ones). It's usually the men who do (those that are serious will. Those that don't care are guys who never cared about you to begin with or who just want sex). 

All I can say, all that the movie reminded me of or made crystal-clear to me is:

Know your true feelings! Don't easily let something go that could turn out to be a huge loss for you! You may NEVER in your life find such a person again, even if you thought they're troublesome at the time. But only people who care about you will care enough to bring up unpleasantness and will be brave enough to open their hearts for you. And that's why those people suffer a lot if you punish their courage and don't dare to take that risk together. But what more can or will anyone ever do for you, if not that?

How dating has changed

My first/only experience with "dating" before I had my first girlfriend at 20 was in second or third grade. I had a crush on my classmate Melanie, a tall, blonde girl (funny, that's totally not my type today) from my class. I was so blinded by my infatuation with her that I even asked my friend Stefanie to "spy on her" so to speak, never realizing that said Stefanie actually liked me (which is ironic because I later liked her, but by then, she liked someone else). 

I sent Melanie a "love letter", asking her to go to the movies together. But she didn't respond (I think?). Or did we call? Gosh, I am blurry on the details. What I do remember is that during Communion preparation class, me and her and her friend met and talked and made plans. But because we were like 8 years old, none of us had any clue what to do next, so that's pretty much everything that happened.

Why I talk about it? Well, I just kept thinking for some time now how dating has changed over the years. It was never really easy and it always seems to be up to us men to make all the effort. But at least back then, it seems the competition was less, because other guys had to find creative ways or the courage to approach a girl. 

Well, that's pretty much gone now that every guy can just write every girl via Instagram or a dating app. Women are drowned in male attention where there was far less (although still a lot) in the past. 

It's actually mirroring other aspects of our society too. Movies for example. 25 years ago, you'd have to rent a video or DVDs to watch a movie. Sometimes you had to wait for years to see a certain movie on tv. It made it kind of an event. 

But now? You can stream 3 movies at once and barely pay attention while you play Candy Crush.

Same goes for music. I spent hundreds of hours, watching MTV, waiting for a certain song. I'd actually buy Maxi CDs with a single song I liked or an album. We didn't have Spotify and that made us appreciate the music more, celebrate it more.

At the stores, it was similar too. While there was always some selection, we didn't have so many options.

So dating is quite similar. There are far too many options, especially for women. With so many options, it reduces the role of a guy to "pallet cleaner". And likewise, due to the fact that most men will never succeed with 99,99% of women, the incentive to make any kind of effort approaches zero. If you never even get a response or get ghosted after 3-4 messages if you dare to get your hopes up, it only makes sense to try far less (although I still don't understand why most men are such simps and keep showering literally ANY female with a barrage of compliments, no matter if it's deserved). 

I also don't remember that there had been such a level of hostility between men and women when it comes to dating. I've been following some videos, news and articles on the topic and it seems that some men (I'd say the realistic ones) simply give up completely while the others think sucking up and simping is the way to go. 

Meanwhile, I remember a few female friends even sharing with me that their female friends complained and asked "why do men not approach us anymore?".

But even if dating or getting to know each other was easy...it seems that that has changed too. What's the point of it anymore? Just to meet up, boink as fast as you can and then see who is faster at blocking and ghosting the other person? 

I do get the appeal of a beautiful body. It's pleasing to the eye. But so are some shapes and colors, food, art. If I don't know or actually like the person IN that body, why would I want to be intimate with them?

And why is it so easy for men and women to be physically intimate, yet they are terrified to be EMOTIONALLY intimate?

Yeah, I don't understand dating. It was kind of fun when I met someone and we talked, we watched a movie at the cinema, had some food together and took our time. But it seems that those days are gone and it's going to be even worse...

The dangers of modern society

I just watched a video about the state of our "modern" society ( https://youtu.be/KOpCtUvruy0?si=PKLXwdu5UUHui_gy ), showcasing many of the negatives and possibly consequences I also noticed.

Basically, loneliness is turned into a business and loneliness is a result of social media and too much virtual reality.

Some simple examples I could think of just from my childhood or teens:

- you used to go to the store as a family. Have meale together where you actually talked

- you didn't text friends, you picked up the phone to make an appointment, had to walk or cycle there and you'd do activities together (in- or outdoors)

Basically, we had a lot more contacts with humans (because it was often the easiest way). Now the easiest way is a very unhealthy way and basically ensures that we meet as few humans as possible. And those that we do meet, we only share superficial, shallow "relationships" with, often transactional (be it working together which generates profit for a business, thus benefitting all involved, you AND your colleagues, making the incentive money or dating which has also become very transactional with women offering their body in return for attention and money or items).

One of the worst things about it is that people gladly give into this, especially women.

Now this might sound misogynistic, but what I mean is that just by looking at our history, women's leverage was and always has been child-bearing. Thus men always had to prove themselves more and had to compete in a very competitive environment.

But where men and women could still somehow match up more easily in the 80s and 90s and usually BOTH genders had to be active, it's now become a quasi monopoly for women. They have the body/the supply. They do need a male body for pleasure too or want one, but because supply and demand are totally uneven, they can be VERY picky.

Over 65% of all young men (men under 35) are single these days with many of them never even having sex.

If we think about us as a race or "animal", sex is paramount though for our species to exist!

Every kind of human need usually starts from there, be it love, care, starting a family or having kids. All of those involve sex.

Men also get to spoil their brain and ruin it with too much easily available pornography (often in lieu of actual sex). 

If you watch a chef make 5 star meals, would u be happy with a rotten burger?

Men thus feel unsatisfied or lacking something, even if they do find sex.

Women on the other hand don't really need porn as getting sex is about the easiest thing for the female of ANY species (again, just nature, not misogyny, we were made this way).

In parts, I can also see how this has already affected me. One of my new years resolution has been to NOT watch any porn anymore and with 2 weeks into the new year, I do feel like it's actually a positive thing. I don't know if my sexual expectations are already unrealistic, but I do see how sex has become something boring to me that I don't really want, at least not without a meaningful connection!

And these meaningful connections are what we as human beings sorely need. It's what I barely had in any of my relationships, barring one and in that relationship, sex ironically wasn't important to me at all. 

So what's a possible solution? Turning to the past? For me, I'd say yes (and I feel the video also implied it). I would rather live in a dirtpoor village without electricity and the internet than to have all those short-term distractions that only feed our dopamine addiction ( https://www.sciencenordic.com/addiction-denmark-neuroscience/mice-experiments-explain-how-addiction-changes-our-brains/1436634 ). 

We really should use discipline and not underestimate how easily apps like Instagram, Facebook, TikTok and ordering everything to our home can damage us and our happiness. 

Sleep and Happiness

Today I didn't get much sleep again (after sleeping 12-13 hours the day before, it was maybe 4-5 today). And although I kept myself busy, cooked lunch, visited my grandmother and went for a walk with my mother through my old hometown and eventually watched a movie together with my father, I feel sort of miserable again.

There does seem to be a connection between bad sleep and how I perceive life, hope and joy. It's too soon to say that with enough sleep, I won't feel depressed or lonely, but it certainly doesn't seem to help. I was under the impression that going out, getting more sunlight and meeting people has some positive effect (and maybe it did slightly, how can we measure that?), but I am so emotionally exhausted to have this feeling of despair and loneliness, combined with hopelessness creeping up on me every night/evening. 

If I think back through my life, it seems that I felt best/better if I wasn't alone. But I also had my first severe and long-lasting depression while I still lived with my mother and brother and I did feel depression when I was in Japan with Mami 2015 or 2018 in Bali, even though Kana was with me at that time. 

On the other hand did I run out of antidepressants 2012 in Bali, but I was basically living with Mutiah at that time and that seemed to give me a lot of strength. Almost immediately upon return though, my depression also returned. 

Similarly in 2019: I felt a severe depression over the summer and visited my friend Chris in England. I perked up there and basically felt fine as long as I was with/around her, although just being in a different room from her and about 10-15 m apart made me feel depressed and anxious and again, after returning home, so did my depression.

For the last few years, I feel as if basically every week for the last 2 decades short of those examples had me feeling depressed. And as if that wasn't bad enough, I also start to really question what the point of life is. There are nice people I know. Unfortunately, most of them live far away. Some that I would like to lean on don't talk to me anymore or have changed and become cold. I am not even sure anymore if I would really feel better if I had someone by my side at the moment. I do hope so, but IF that didn't help, I frankly don't see how I could continue to live. 

It's VERY exhausting and annoying if you can't even plan to do something tomorrow evening because you don't know yet if you feel "ok". How can anyone live that way?

I also fear the loss of family. The holidays have shown me that I lean on them for support. But I lost my grandfather last year and I fear I might lose my grandmother next. And eventually, I will lose my father and mother too. And then what?

What for do I (or anyone really) live? To collect as much money as we can like in the "Game of Life" by MB? But that would imply that I would finally be happy when I am 60 or 65 and if I see older people, they seem to be worse off and NOW is actually the time when I should feel ok. And I don't. 

What's the use of money anyways? I do collect it because you can measure "progress", but other than feeling momentarily proud to have amount X, what good does it do? I can't buy love, children or a family with money. 

Really, the more I look at it, the more rewarding does it seem to actually just be dead. What's so great about life? At least if I am dead, hopefully I would stop to think and feel?

They mostly come at night...

It's not just a famous line from the movie "Aliens", but also how I often feel in regards to depressive emotions or hopeless/sad thoughts. 

Many times when the night comes, I start to feel depressed, joyless and hopeless. Maybe it's because a day had been ok, so because it wasn't a terrible day, there's now stress to repeat this day tomorrow. Will it be ok too? Will I feel less happy? The thoughts and expectations of a "good" day create stress and because I don't have anyone to talk to, it's quite devastating. 

Basically every day feels the same. There's a few highlights, but after those highlights, I don't know what I could do.

Take today, Tuesday. I woke up early (which isn't common for me). I went to the store with my father, buying some groceries and going to the mall because he needed some advice in a store. It was good, because I was out of the house and the routine.

But once I was back and had unpacked my groceries and prepared lunch, I started to think already what I will do in the evening. It was now afternoon and my two highlights, food and watching some episodes of "Desperate Housewives" were still ahead of me. That was good in some way, but also creating some stress (after I finished those things, then what?). Before I started cooking and watching, I went to another store to return some bottles. Getting out of the house was good again, but I'm usually walking around in my own bubble, having earphones in my ears, listening to music. I am so used to this by now, I guess it's part of keeping myself constantly busy/distracted from thinking too much. 

So after I was back, had eaten and watched my shows, I still didn't feel bad yet and played a game for some time. It seemed the day had gone by without feeling bad.

And yet here I am now, not long after I decided to go to bed. The game I enjoyed just 2 hours ago now seems dumb and pointless and I'm already ⅔ finished with it, so it's already something "negative ", because what keeps me busy and distracted after this game? 

Technically, I could do watch a lot of shows or movies I never watched. I could simply go outside and walk until I collapsed or whatever. I could play some new games I never even started. But here I am, lying in bed, being busy with my phone because it's the easiest poison to distract me (yet unhealthy). And I just feel so small and weak and unhappy and lonely and wish I had someone I could talk to. There's Jonesy of course and I am blessed to have him purring between my legs, but he can't tell me what's on his mind :(. 

And so I wait for yet another day where I just fall asleep and hope I feel good the next evening, but I don't actually know if the loneliness and blues won't just come again and again, every night... because they mostly come at night...mostly...