Memories are our way to remember moments from our past. They can be positive or negative. Some people say that it's not good to remember too much; that it means we live in the past.
Personally, I think we often remember our past when our present isn't happy. If you have no future to look forward to and can't see any progress in the present, it seems to make a lot of sense to "escape" our mind to a time when we did feel happy or like we had a purpose, even if it's just to remind us that life CAN be happy.
But of course if this continues and we don't have any perspective, it makes things far worse as it then just serves as a reminder that we haven't felt happiness for a long time and haven't been able to create new memories to - if not replace, but at least push back some memories to a further distance, showing us that our happy times aren't long gone, but follow us.
I find myself thinking of the last 10 or 20 years of my life very often lately. I don't see much perspective in the present and I think it would be different if I had someone by my side to create new memories with.
Almost all my memories include other people in an important way. Whether it's my parents or grandparents or brother when I was younger, friends of the family or later someone I had or attempted to have a relationship with, the memories all include someone. But while family is somewhat constant and the memories remain sweeter, relationships or friendships often aren't and the memories start to hurt. They hurt because...well, I guess because we thought that we had found someone special who could make new memories with us, but those people left us. In some cases, this can be very traumatic if it's linked to important life events.
Let's say if you had a relationship while you finished school or started a job. Then this milestone of a life that should be positive will always be overshadowed by a sadness.
But it's not just relationships that could make a memory sad. Lately I realize more and more that nobody lives forever.
Back in 2012, I was watching the movie "Wargames" on my phone on a flight back from Singapore to Indonesia. That movie always reminds me of my father who had shown it to me in the 90s on video and I remember thinking of him and my family at that time.
I did have a relationship at that time too and although I don't actually miss that person as a love interest, of course just her existence ar the time makes her an extented part of the memory. It was maybe the first time in my life that I had felt like I could also create my own future, my own life, my own memories or a family. A feeling that I had never felt before.
Unfortunately, that wonderful feeling of "belonging" that we usually just find in our family didn't last long.
I wonder sometimes if I had never lived with someone like family members do, maybe I wouldn't miss it/feel so alone. Friends I have who never REALLY lived alone AND with a partner never seem to feel like I do. And I wonder if that's because they are just stronger ir because they never felt what I felt.
People often tell me that I shouldn't remember and look forward. But I feel that if I remember, it's not because I want that moment/the past back. I actually just wish that there would be more moments like this (or better) in my future:(.
It took me a long time to move on from that relationship and it caused me a lot of confusion. I am still not sure why it was so hard for me, but I think it was because my memories of the time in general (I was younger, I lived on my own for the first time, it was an adventure) and my relationship somehow melted into one.
A good friend of mine seems to have a similar situation with her former partner. Although just like mine, the partner turned out to be toxic and rather bad, she can't forget the past and fully forget. And I think both of us would be accused by most that we simply "don't want to move on" or "love our past/ex partner". But I think it's rather that we miss who we were and how we felt. That we mourn the loss or change of ourselves. And that we might have had such a hard time to move on because we felt that if we cut that last thread, we may NEVER feel happiness again or be able to create and experience such moments.
There's a lot of movies, shows or songs that remind me of something or someone. In some cases, the person has changed (which is good and shows its not that we are stuck, but we just need the right progress), in some cases (especially family) it's the same.
Just like that movie "Wargames" or others remind me of my father, some old James Bond movies or "Crocodile Dundee" remind me of my grandfather (we used to watch them together) and it does make me happy and sad at the same time. Happy that I can have those memories and don't lose them forever, but also sad because it's a time that won't come back and there seems to be nothing to look forward to that could replace the comfort they give. Because as time passes by, the comfort starts to become a bitter melancholy as it reminds me that I will lose this person and I am afraid that if I ever lost the memory, I could forget them all together more and more.
So I think memories are a tricky thing. I agree that we shouldn't live in them, but I also think that it's important that we learn from them and I think it's never that simple to say/decide what a memory actually means, especially if it's someone elses and we just hear or read about it. I still hope I can make new and good memories, but the older I get and the more I see my life being the same routine all the time, the more I start to question myself sometimes...
