https://youtu.be/GcsrnT7Tv1o?si=RWqA1059U7UdBFKf
"I'm waiting for my real life to begin"
I think since my early 20s, I always felt as if that's the motto of my life...
Maybe during my early childhood days and school days, I still felt somewhat alive. But after school, even when I worked, I always felt aimless, drifting, without a clear goal or purpose. I was "waiting for my real life to begin".
Other people seemed to do it right. They had many friends, did many activities and didn't seem to struggle with motivation.
Meanwhile, I struggled with depression, motivation and finding a real purpose. While working my first job, I started to think "is this going to be my life? Just work, home, eat, do some hobbies, sleep and repeat?". I didn't feel alive and I felt even worse that I did all this just for myself. Maybe because I had already spent many years alone, I felt tired of it.
Later, there were times and moments when I thought I finally did start to live, when I felt alive. I felt more alive during my first visits to Indonesia or when I was with Dinar. And later, I met Mutiah and I was living with her, which seemed so much nicer than doing everything alone. It seemed to prove to me that being together/with someone instead of being alone was indeed better. It's not that the activities were that different (or more), but everything just seemed to be more fun together.
And when I lost her/that, it dealt a strong blow to my will to live and it made me struggle for a purpose. After trying for new relationships, I eventually even felt like I sort of accepted that maybe that's just not in the cards for me.
Then, 2024, I met Lara unexpectedly and it seemed like that spark of life was back unexpectedly. Doing the most mundane things felt fun together. I felt alive again, like I participated in life like others did. And I believed the lies and false promises that this was what she wanted to (build something).
I also know that most people do not seem to care about relationships or having someone to build a life with even nearly as much as I do. I don't know if anyone is right or wrong here. And I know we shouldn't "depend" on others. But I also know what I actually feel. And after over 20 years of social isolation (partially due to myself, partially...bad luck?), I am definitely sick and tired of it.
Now I turned 40 today. I mourn decades of time lost. I envy people around me who found someone to build something with, apparently with ease. I obviously wonder if the reason I couldn't find that is me or if it's just bad luck. Maybe it doesn't even matter, it can't be undone. I want to look forward and build something, but I also know, this is a fight of emotion and logic. Emotionally, I am DESPERATE and want to rush in and don't want to wait. Logically, I know that this obviously isn't possible.
But I can't help it. I just don't feel as alive alone (anymore) as I briefly felt if I was part of a team (or thought I was). Maybe because being single is really not difficult and anyone could do it? And being with someone and staying together is a real challenge, but seems worthwhile?
What really matters in our life? All the riches we can amass, the homes we can buy or build, the stuff we can buy - it's all for nothing once we die.
Love or family are also gone when we die. But we will know that we felt content during our life and until our death.
I don't want to live in a world where selfishness is rewarded and we all fuck each other over. I want to live in a world of healthy challenges, where we can share our life with people on our intellectual level, ideally with an emotional connection too. Am I really asking for the moon or expect too much? Will my real life ever begin? Or is this as good as it will ever be?
