The dangers of modern society

I just watched a video about the state of our "modern" society ( https://youtu.be/KOpCtUvruy0?si=PKLXwdu5UUHui_gy ), showcasing many of the negatives and possibly consequences I also noticed.

Basically, loneliness is turned into a business and loneliness is a result of social media and too much virtual reality.

Some simple examples I could think of just from my childhood or teens:

- you used to go to the store as a family. Have meale together where you actually talked

- you didn't text friends, you picked up the phone to make an appointment, had to walk or cycle there and you'd do activities together (in- or outdoors)

Basically, we had a lot more contacts with humans (because it was often the easiest way). Now the easiest way is a very unhealthy way and basically ensures that we meet as few humans as possible. And those that we do meet, we only share superficial, shallow "relationships" with, often transactional (be it working together which generates profit for a business, thus benefitting all involved, you AND your colleagues, making the incentive money or dating which has also become very transactional with women offering their body in return for attention and money or items).

One of the worst things about it is that people gladly give into this, especially women.

Now this might sound misogynistic, but what I mean is that just by looking at our history, women's leverage was and always has been child-bearing. Thus men always had to prove themselves more and had to compete in a very competitive environment.

But where men and women could still somehow match up more easily in the 80s and 90s and usually BOTH genders had to be active, it's now become a quasi monopoly for women. They have the body/the supply. They do need a male body for pleasure too or want one, but because supply and demand are totally uneven, they can be VERY picky.

Over 65% of all young men (men under 35) are single these days with many of them never even having sex.

If we think about us as a race or "animal", sex is paramount though for our species to exist!

Every kind of human need usually starts from there, be it love, care, starting a family or having kids. All of those involve sex.

Men also get to spoil their brain and ruin it with too much easily available pornography (often in lieu of actual sex). 

If you watch a chef make 5 star meals, would u be happy with a rotten burger?

Men thus feel unsatisfied or lacking something, even if they do find sex.

Women on the other hand don't really need porn as getting sex is about the easiest thing for the female of ANY species (again, just nature, not misogyny, we were made this way).

In parts, I can also see how this has already affected me. One of my new years resolution has been to NOT watch any porn anymore and with 2 weeks into the new year, I do feel like it's actually a positive thing. I don't know if my sexual expectations are already unrealistic, but I do see how sex has become something boring to me that I don't really want, at least not without a meaningful connection!

And these meaningful connections are what we as human beings sorely need. It's what I barely had in any of my relationships, barring one and in that relationship, sex ironically wasn't important to me at all. 

So what's a possible solution? Turning to the past? For me, I'd say yes (and I feel the video also implied it). I would rather live in a dirtpoor village without electricity and the internet than to have all those short-term distractions that only feed our dopamine addiction ( https://www.sciencenordic.com/addiction-denmark-neuroscience/mice-experiments-explain-how-addiction-changes-our-brains/1436634 ). 

We really should use discipline and not underestimate how easily apps like Instagram, Facebook, TikTok and ordering everything to our home can damage us and our happiness. 

Sleep and Happiness

Today I didn't get much sleep again (after sleeping 12-13 hours the day before, it was maybe 4-5 today). And although I kept myself busy, cooked lunch, visited my grandmother and went for a walk with my mother through my old hometown and eventually watched a movie together with my father, I feel sort of miserable again.

There does seem to be a connection between bad sleep and how I perceive life, hope and joy. It's too soon to say that with enough sleep, I won't feel depressed or lonely, but it certainly doesn't seem to help. I was under the impression that going out, getting more sunlight and meeting people has some positive effect (and maybe it did slightly, how can we measure that?), but I am so emotionally exhausted to have this feeling of despair and loneliness, combined with hopelessness creeping up on me every night/evening. 

If I think back through my life, it seems that I felt best/better if I wasn't alone. But I also had my first severe and long-lasting depression while I still lived with my mother and brother and I did feel depression when I was in Japan with Mami 2015 or 2018 in Bali, even though Kana was with me at that time. 

On the other hand did I run out of antidepressants 2012 in Bali, but I was basically living with Mutiah at that time and that seemed to give me a lot of strength. Almost immediately upon return though, my depression also returned. 

Similarly in 2019: I felt a severe depression over the summer and visited my friend Chris in England. I perked up there and basically felt fine as long as I was with/around her, although just being in a different room from her and about 10-15 m apart made me feel depressed and anxious and again, after returning home, so did my depression.

For the last few years, I feel as if basically every week for the last 2 decades short of those examples had me feeling depressed. And as if that wasn't bad enough, I also start to really question what the point of life is. There are nice people I know. Unfortunately, most of them live far away. Some that I would like to lean on don't talk to me anymore or have changed and become cold. I am not even sure anymore if I would really feel better if I had someone by my side at the moment. I do hope so, but IF that didn't help, I frankly don't see how I could continue to live. 

It's VERY exhausting and annoying if you can't even plan to do something tomorrow evening because you don't know yet if you feel "ok". How can anyone live that way?

I also fear the loss of family. The holidays have shown me that I lean on them for support. But I lost my grandfather last year and I fear I might lose my grandmother next. And eventually, I will lose my father and mother too. And then what?

What for do I (or anyone really) live? To collect as much money as we can like in the "Game of Life" by MB? But that would imply that I would finally be happy when I am 60 or 65 and if I see older people, they seem to be worse off and NOW is actually the time when I should feel ok. And I don't. 

What's the use of money anyways? I do collect it because you can measure "progress", but other than feeling momentarily proud to have amount X, what good does it do? I can't buy love, children or a family with money. 

Really, the more I look at it, the more rewarding does it seem to actually just be dead. What's so great about life? At least if I am dead, hopefully I would stop to think and feel?

They mostly come at night...

It's not just a famous line from the movie "Aliens", but also how I often feel in regards to depressive emotions or hopeless/sad thoughts. 

Many times when the night comes, I start to feel depressed, joyless and hopeless. Maybe it's because a day had been ok, so because it wasn't a terrible day, there's now stress to repeat this day tomorrow. Will it be ok too? Will I feel less happy? The thoughts and expectations of a "good" day create stress and because I don't have anyone to talk to, it's quite devastating. 

Basically every day feels the same. There's a few highlights, but after those highlights, I don't know what I could do.

Take today, Tuesday. I woke up early (which isn't common for me). I went to the store with my father, buying some groceries and going to the mall because he needed some advice in a store. It was good, because I was out of the house and the routine.

But once I was back and had unpacked my groceries and prepared lunch, I started to think already what I will do in the evening. It was now afternoon and my two highlights, food and watching some episodes of "Desperate Housewives" were still ahead of me. That was good in some way, but also creating some stress (after I finished those things, then what?). Before I started cooking and watching, I went to another store to return some bottles. Getting out of the house was good again, but I'm usually walking around in my own bubble, having earphones in my ears, listening to music. I am so used to this by now, I guess it's part of keeping myself constantly busy/distracted from thinking too much. 

So after I was back, had eaten and watched my shows, I still didn't feel bad yet and played a game for some time. It seemed the day had gone by without feeling bad.

And yet here I am now, not long after I decided to go to bed. The game I enjoyed just 2 hours ago now seems dumb and pointless and I'm already ⅔ finished with it, so it's already something "negative ", because what keeps me busy and distracted after this game? 

Technically, I could do watch a lot of shows or movies I never watched. I could simply go outside and walk until I collapsed or whatever. I could play some new games I never even started. But here I am, lying in bed, being busy with my phone because it's the easiest poison to distract me (yet unhealthy). And I just feel so small and weak and unhappy and lonely and wish I had someone I could talk to. There's Jonesy of course and I am blessed to have him purring between my legs, but he can't tell me what's on his mind :(. 

And so I wait for yet another day where I just fall asleep and hope I feel good the next evening, but I don't actually know if the loneliness and blues won't just come again and again, every night... because they mostly come at night...mostly...