Another year ends. I've always hated New Year's Eve, especially since I seriously considered killing myself one New Year's Eve 19 or 20 years ago.
The year ends and we're looking back at what has changed, what we have achieved and what's better or worse. Unfortunately, I feel that life is just becoming less and less livable.
I mean, why am I even here? I don't have a partner or someone to love, I don't have a family. I have some money, but money doesn't bring me happiness, nor does it give me a true purpose.
I feel like I lost my purpose and hope in 2024, probably around October.
I spoke to friends in many countries and nobody seems to truly have a fulfilling purpose or goal in life anymore. Yeah, we all go to work or pursue a career or something to better our social and financial status. But what about the ability to feel joy? How about togetherness? My friends seem depressed too, albeit in different forms maybe, but they don't seem happy.
Is anyone truly happy these days?
Thinking back to 2004 or 2005, yeah, I wasn't happy either. But I still lived with my mother and brother. I wasn't completely alone. I think the modern human is becoming too isolated and focuses on the wrong goals in life.
What does all the status and wealth ultimately do for us? It won't save our health, because you can't buy health with money. It won't bring back time either, because nobody can buy time.
I also don't understand why we have all become so picky and easy to quit. Many of my friends are single. Some have given up on ever finding love. They distract themselves with work and social media, alcohol or other addictions. But those are just Band-Aids, they don't solve the core problems.
I know that having a partner in my life isn't a "fixes-all-solution". But I also know that the most stable time of my life was when I had family or a partner around me and I think this is true for all of us. When I lived in Asia, the happiest people often were those with family, even though they lacked money.
Today I just feel very, very low and bad and I fear what this will do to me tomorrow. I am so tired of enduring a life most people can't even begin to understand or relate to (and I don't say this to gather sympathy or pity, but I know that most people don't live like me, except maybe Hikkikomori).
2025, I will turn 40. I think this is my last attempt at "mastering" life. If I feel this way again a year from now, I hope I will just seize to exist...
