Last night, I dreamt that I was in some kind of water park. I went on some slide (although it was more like some lazy river), but didn't seem to properly "slide". Some Japanese/Asian girls behind me complained, so I went back to the beginning of the slide to put some lotion or something on me in order to better slide.
There was a woman behind/near us that seemed very sympathetic to my situation. It seemed as if she was flirting with me/liked me, so I paid more attention to her. She seemed familiar to me and as I looked at her, I realized she is my old friend Indri who had one day just blocked me in 2017 when I told her I would soon move to Bali. I never understood why and it made me very sad back then, so I felt happy in a way that she somehow came back, but also confused why she even left to begin with.
She wanted to be in my life again as... something/someone? It didn't seem romantic, but just sincere (and sincerity always touches/moves me a lot). So I accepted it. I asked her why she had done it back then, but she didn't tell me or said something like "does it even matter anymore?".
Throughout the rest of the dream which included some kind of weird meeting of me with the Penguin from Batman (and his associate) where we negotiated some terms on how to divide up the city between them and us (good), which included Indri, I just felt happy that she was in my life again. I woke up, feeling very sad, not wanting to have to return to reality and to continue dreaming.
It all reminded me of what BoJack Horseman says on his show about how "in this terrifying world, all we have is the connections we make".
Why do all the people that I let once get really close to me seemingly decide to leave me, except a few? Will those few leave me too?
Am I just an awful person to know or be around? Is it because of something I am totally innocent of, so it happening the way it did isn't my fault?
If it is my fault, I really wish I could know and understand why, so I could change and make amends. If it isn't me, I would still like to talk to them and find a way to maybe remind them that we were once close and had allowed each other to mean something to each other!
Indri was always someone who meant a lot to me. We met/knew each other online through MySpace back in 2006/07. We were close and once almost became a couple, although it ended sort of tragically when my ex/girlfriend showed up at the airport (apparently my mother told her?) when Indri came to pick me up. Indri had made me a mix tape/CD that I still have and the songs on it still remind me of her. I still feel bad to this day for what happened back then, because I really wanted to try to build something meaningful with her, even though I technically had that girlfriend. But that girlfriend had let me down time and time again, told me that she doesn't love me and that she loves and wants her ex, so I didn't feel we actually were a couple.
Back then, I was younger. I was stupid. I should have left with Indri, not leave Indri. I understand now that I probably did it because I was "addicted" to this ex girlfriend (who is one of 3 girlfriends I had that seemed so important to me that it really took me a lot of time and strength to move on from and who all were probably narcissistic or had a borderline personality and were very good at manipulating), but of course that's not an excuse. It's a reason. It's something I wish I could undo.
Despite this, me and Indri remained close. I still have a letter she sent me in 2007 of how she just wants a simple, happy life, a small house, etc. I think I felt that me and her felt a connection because deep inside, we want something simple and true. Which makes it all the more sad that we never got it.
I accompanied Indri throughout her relationship she had when things didn't work for us (I think she called the guy Brahms or something?). I was there when they broke up and she was sad and came to my place (I was in Jakarta at the time). I even slept with her at that time, even though I actually didn't feel like it's a good idea or I really wanted to, but it broke my heart to see her so sad and I didn't want to make her feel rejected again.
It may sound like things for us were about romance or lust. But I never felt it was. Indri always felt more like an older sister to me. Someone I "loved" in a way, but because I felt she understood me, not because I thought we are all lovey dovey.
I guess now at almost 40, I can say that I felt a more adult "love" for her, compared to the juvenile love most of us mistake for real love that has much more to do with hormones and lust and temporary emotions? She is/was someone I always cared about. I even introduced her to other friends of mine to help her and because I think I always wanted a big family, so I was hoping that everyone that means something to me would like each other too.
In 2012, I moved to Bali where Indri had moved not long before me. We now could have met more often, but sadly, we didn't very much. She was dating some Dutch guy (although it seemed like a strange, open relationship) and I felt a bit shocked and sad to see who Indri was now.
Since she turned 30, she seemed more bitter. She talked negatively about men and seemed bitter and kind of hopeless. I didn't recognize the Indri that just wanted a simple, happy life. This new Indri seemed "sluttier" and self-loathing. Back then, I didn't really understand why. Being older now, I can understand it better, although it seemed that I had this phase of my life earlier/later (the nihilistic part where I was "sluttier" in my early 20s, the hopeless part more in the second half of my 30s). Now that I write it down, it actually makes me think of the many women I felt I have to "save"...
I also had soon found a girlfriend back then and met Indri only one more time in 2013 with said girlfriend. Indri always seemed to know me well and told me/pointed out to me that I sure knew how to "pick 'em". Maybe that's why I also miss her. She was always someone I could be honest with, who also was very honest with me. We could be emotionally naked in front of each other.
Our contact after that lessened. Maybe because one of the friends I had introduced her to stole my life savings and I had asked Indri for help (she probably didn't like to be between the fronts, although I also thought her loyalty would lie with me, since we were friends much longer) and had to name her as one of the witnesses for the case.
I think in 2015, after we had barely talked in over a year, I once just sent her a text, asking her how she was and she became very angry. She told me that she had the flu and how dare I ask her how she was (I guess I was supposed to read her mind/know?) and that was pretty much it.
In 2017, I simply told her that I would soon move to Bali again and would like to meet her. And she read it...and blocked me. I never understood that:(. We had known us for such a long time. Been through quite a few things together. Did none of that matter?
But why do those things matter to me? Why do I still wish I could talk (just talk) to some of my ex partners? Former friends who just vanished? Is it wrong?
People usually say "That's fine, Flo, it's their loss, just move on with your life".
But is this all life is? You get to know people, start to truly care about them, let them into your life and heart and then they just abandon you? Without even telling you why? Maybe even without a real reason?
If we do accept that and just jump from person to person and never truly let anyone get close to us or truly let ourselves get close to them, like a masochistic game of musical chairs, what's the point of life??
