In the mid section of the dream, Ike was visiting Holzgerlingen, my hometown. I hadn't seen her since a decade or so (like in reality). I was with my family (grandma, mom, my brother, maybe some other relatives or close friends of the family) when we ran into her. Although in real life, she had blocked me, we talked at first in the dream and all seemed well. I was actually happy to see her (I think because the overall tone of the dream was so dark and negative and...lonely?). Ike was on vacation or something. I thought at first she came specifically to visit me and felt happy (again, I guess because I felt SUPER lonely, despite being with family), but it turned out she had a boyfriend back home (?) or was invited by many, many men. Either way, as we went to or were at the ice cream parlor, things went out of hand. We had a huge fight, I think because of the topic of how she treats friends (similar to our real fight 2018 when we last met). She said because she is single (I guess no boyfriend?), she can do what she wants. Basically, she was very arrogant and snobbish. This infuriated me. I don't know why, it wasn't just her. It was a mix out of "sexual ownership" over her (maybe because we ever had a sort of affair, although I thought it was a sincere relationship then, being young and naive while she banged at least 50 men that year according to her own words) and this crushing loneliness that hang over the dream like a cloud. I fought with her and those guys that were either real or spiritually around. Finally, I must have maimed her(?) and she had lost an eye or leg or was incapacitated in another way. All I remember is that she was in some kind of coffin and a group of paramilitaries from South America that I had hired were there to protect, torture her (only to get paramount information we needed) and seek for something.
It turns out that her promiscuity somehow endangered the entire dream world. We kept seeking for... something! Was it a nuclear bomb? A piece of it? I remember that she (she wasn't dead) kept taunting us and it didn't matter how we threatened her, she just became angrier, more defiant and refused to be reasonable. At some point (before we caught her?), two dogs with gigantic penises raped her(!) and shot huge loads in her ass, basically ruining her intestines(!), but she wouldn't work with us and kept taunting us and me (somehow, aside from whatever it was we were trying to find, I had some strong personal feelings for her that included a sexual desire, although sexually "owning" her seemed not about actually "owning" a woman in a sexual way and more about love/loneliness. Maybe I was jealous, scared and envious because of this CRUSHING feeling of having no control and loneliness that accompanied the dream.
We kept searching and searching. We finally found some floppy disks(!), CD ROMs and other outdated medias in a room at my/our place(?) where she had been a guest. They were mostly taunting me with her promiscuity (even in the dream I didn't understand why I dreamt of her of all people or why I seemed so hurt, I haven't missed her or felt anything special for her in 15 years?), but they seemed important.
During that search, the place where we held her had been attacked by other military groups in the valley between where my grandparents used to live on the right and where we used to live on the left side. The dog attack had actually happened in the middle too and she was kept there somewhere although it was that huge and dystopian horror version of my hometown.
Unfortunately, I don't remember all the details now. But this part and the earlier part alone felt like they had literally taken dozens of hours or even days or weeks to dream, so it was emotionally exhausting.
Finally, in the last part I remember, it seems the world had somehow ended (maybe that bomb or whatever Ike was trying to hide?). The environment and all looked "normal", but something had changed with the people. I felt like I was the only one who noticed it.
It seemed that all human life was now about nothing but...well, what actually? I remember seeing Wolfgang, my mother's ex boyfriend. I was in some apartment with different floors and felt AWFUL and like I wanted to die. I either kept crying constantly or just really felt like I absolutely can't stand and endure this crushing feeling of loneliness, it was maddening! I tried to talk to Wolfgang or his daughter about it, but they didn't seem to care. Everyone was kind of...zombieesque? They just functioned like robots, not people.
As I watched it being or actively rebuild the "new world" (mostly the buildings), I absolutely hated it! It was such a depressing place, I can't even put it in words. Do you know this feeling you have when u wake up from a nightmare, not fully realizing yet that it is wasn't real? I think that's how this world felt, only ALL THE TIME! I tried to talk to people, tried to ask them if they also dreaded the feeling to go to sleep soon (maybe a sign at yet a deeper, lower, even scarier dream level/level of subconsciousness?) but they didn't seem to care or agree. It was like only I felt this.
I tried to find my mother. I was driving around on a bike or walked, eventually coming to the house where family Matz (friends of our family) used to live. I was excited, hoping that at least they could comfort me a little. In this world, all people seemed to do was...exist? They didn't work, they didn't feel (good or bad things), they just existed and slept. It seemed awful, far worse than hell or death! But as I rang the door bell, only the youngest daughter came out, carrying an umbrella that had a blanket WE owned as the protective part(!). She didn't want to chat, proudly/arrogantly saying she was on her way to an adult/mature meeting. I somehow didn't try to see if the rest of the family was there (it seemed that just seeing or meeting one of them would have helped a little), but rang at the door of the neighbors to the left. I had known them vaguely decades ago, so maybe I was grasping at straws. But nobody seemed to be there. And when I did see some lights go on, I scurried back to the sidewalk and pretended to tie my shoes. I didn't understand why I did this, but of course it didn't help to improve my mood.
I finally went up the road towards my grandparents apartment, only that, same as the rest of the fictional, dystopian hometown, it was all at least 10 times bigger and darker, making it city of at least 150,000 people. Only you never saw ANYONE! I was always alone and yet it seemed the people were there, but I couldn't see them.
My mom was with me now or waiting at the top of the road as I used my hands(!) to pull myself forward and up the steep road until there was some church-like building in the middle of the road where just road should be.
Where the house of my childhood friend Stefanie usually stands, there was a very dark park with barren(!) trees where my mom said we should go because "it's too dark everywhere else" (did I mention how dark that tiny park was?). I didn't understand this, because our grandparents home wasn't very far now, maybe 150 meters.
I must have woken up soon after. I don't know if I captured and explained this all well, but although I didn't deal with any monsters or ghosts, this was a truly frightening dream. I had similar dreams where seemingly real weeks, months or even years pass in the few hours I actually sleep. They usually also involve me being super lonely, super depressed and having nothing to do (or nothing I do can bring me any joy).
It's odd too about the first and middle part. I don't know why I sometimes dream of Ulrich. We weren't close, more neutral. And Ike? In my dream, I took everything so personal and felt so hurt. But why? And why her? The only time dreaming of women upset me this much, it usually involved an ex girlfriend like Mutiah, Mami or maybe Kana. But Ike? Even if we would still talk in real life, I have absolutely no desire to talk to her, mostly because I feel there's no point to it because we are just different people and unfortunately don't have much in common to even be friends. What actually led to our last and final fight was the fact that i had moved (in parts) to Bali because I felt lonely and depressed with my life here in Germany and she felt depressed and lonely there. I had hoped that we could just become sincere friends and I felt disappointed because even when we spent time in real life together, she just kept chatting with her boyfriend (even ignoring her other friend who was present). I know that sounds like I was jealous of the boyfriend, but I really wasn't. I just felt a mix of anger and disappointment. Anger because she couldn't seem to see that that relationship that had been going on with her and him for 10+ years, for which she even left her marriage and husband didn't seem to lead anywhere (i mean, 10 years and they still aren't together? 10 years and the guy still needs time to leave his wife or ex wife?).
I wanted her to be more firm, like "come and be with me or it's over". I even told her that that last time we saw us, but she just agreed in a dismissive/patronizing tone and I knew she didn't agree.
So yeah, I felt sad and frustrated. I understand that people want a relationship. I didn't want a "love" relationship with her. But I really hoped the 8-9 years between when me and her last met and 2018 had changed her to a point where she would appreciate that although I might seem a bit too forward or "offensive", I just did that because I feel that's what a true friend SHOULD do!
I don't know what her situation is like now because she blocked me soon after. I had asked her about that last meeting and she wouldn't respond, so I kept asking and eventually calling, although she always rejected the call. So I called and called again until finally, someone (her? Him?) wrote me that he is the boyfriend and I should leave her alone.
Again, I get it, anyone reading this will think I "wanted" her. But I swear, I really just wanted the sincere friendship that I thought we both had made promises about:(. I wanted to help her! Maybe I wanted to help, hoping she could help me too if I needed it. But I definitely meant well.
I wouldn't be surprised if she is either still "hanging" in her situation with him or she is single now or has some new guy (I guess those are the 3 options?), but if it's any of them, I doubt it will work or help. As someone who spent most of his life fighting with depression, I have seen too many of those pattern in me or others.
My ex Mami still seems to be single (again), her life not being better (I can't know, but it's my impression). Kana doesn't talk to me anymore, but she seemed permanently stuck on her dead husband. She might need therapy to move on, but of course doesn't think so.
Mutiah? I don't know her situation, but she looked older, more stressed and as far as I know just had a parade of "boyfriends" coming and going. I even had the impression she will be with just anyone for...financial support? So she won't be alone? I can't know and can just speculate, but she is 50 in a few years. Isn't that time to settle down? She clearly can't and the common denominator is her, so maybe she also could need advise or should learn from her failings?
Which leaves me. Maybe the dream is my subconscious mind telling me that I fear what could come if this depression that lingers under the surface could get worse. It seems to ask me what happened that I don't seem to have any real friends since my school days. And it seems to tell me that I still want to spend more time with my grandparents/grandma.
