They mostly come at night...

It's not just a famous line from the movie "Aliens", but also how I often feel in regards to depressive emotions or hopeless/sad thoughts. 

Many times when the night comes, I start to feel depressed, joyless and hopeless. Maybe it's because a day had been ok, so because it wasn't a terrible day, there's now stress to repeat this day tomorrow. Will it be ok too? Will I feel less happy? The thoughts and expectations of a "good" day create stress and because I don't have anyone to talk to, it's quite devastating. 

Basically every day feels the same. There's a few highlights, but after those highlights, I don't know what I could do.

Take today, Tuesday. I woke up early (which isn't common for me). I went to the store with my father, buying some groceries and going to the mall because he needed some advice in a store. It was good, because I was out of the house and the routine.

But once I was back and had unpacked my groceries and prepared lunch, I started to think already what I will do in the evening. It was now afternoon and my two highlights, food and watching some episodes of "Desperate Housewives" were still ahead of me. That was good in some way, but also creating some stress (after I finished those things, then what?). Before I started cooking and watching, I went to another store to return some bottles. Getting out of the house was good again, but I'm usually walking around in my own bubble, having earphones in my ears, listening to music. I am so used to this by now, I guess it's part of keeping myself constantly busy/distracted from thinking too much. 

So after I was back, had eaten and watched my shows, I still didn't feel bad yet and played a game for some time. It seemed the day had gone by without feeling bad.

And yet here I am now, not long after I decided to go to bed. The game I enjoyed just 2 hours ago now seems dumb and pointless and I'm already ⅔ finished with it, so it's already something "negative ", because what keeps me busy and distracted after this game? 

Technically, I could do watch a lot of shows or movies I never watched. I could simply go outside and walk until I collapsed or whatever. I could play some new games I never even started. But here I am, lying in bed, being busy with my phone because it's the easiest poison to distract me (yet unhealthy). And I just feel so small and weak and unhappy and lonely and wish I had someone I could talk to. There's Jonesy of course and I am blessed to have him purring between my legs, but he can't tell me what's on his mind :(. 

And so I wait for yet another day where I just fall asleep and hope I feel good the next evening, but I don't actually know if the loneliness and blues won't just come again and again, every night... because they mostly come at night...mostly...