Long Way To Go

Do you remember that song by Cassie from 2006/07, "Long Way To Go"? This song was popular around the time my relationship with my first REAL girlfriend (I won't count R) was not going well and I had started to talk to this girl Indri on MySpace. We seemed to have a lot in common and talked about music too. Indri made me a mixtape CD and this particular song was on it.

Unfortunately, we never got to meet and be together like we thought we could (a story for another day), but this song still takes me back to 2006/07 in my mind. 

It's that magical time when I had just turned 21, had gathered my first experience with love and when being in a foreign country was still an adventure and big deal for me. 

There's other songs on that album too and they also remind me of that time, but this particular one kind of stuck because it makes me remember sleeping in a room upstairs from my girlfriend at her parents home. This was a long time before smartphones and we still sent us SMS before sleep and I would read John Grisham. In the mornings and evenings, I would take a shower (with only cold water) and I still have the smell of my shower gel by Axe in the back of my head...

Growing up can be nice, but I do miss those simpler days. 

Everything is the same...and somehow different

Lately I feel like my life has been very much the same for a long time now. I sleep, I wake up, I work (or sometimes have nothing to do), I wait for... something? But I don't know what. Probably for life to get better?

But life just seems to become blander. I used to have a certain feeling of joy or excitement to go to the store, to travel, to do this and that. That all seems gone now. My last trip felt ok, but not like my trips felt 10 years ago. Even my trip 2019 to Japan still felt exciting somehow. But now? 

I just don't know if this is normal and happens to all of us as we grow up. Or is it because of my depression? Or is it because of how technology has changed society? 

Earlier today, they showed those old Israeli sex teenie comedies from the 70s on tv that were very popular in Germany back then. My mom and dad used to watch them and I watched them in the 90s on video. Seeing them on tv reminded me of how different I felt when I was a teenager. Life was in front of me and there were still things to do, to try, problems to overcome that seemed like a fun challenge.

But now? It's just the same, day in, day out. Now that summer is over, it also means to be stuck indoors even more:(. 

I still hope and wish things might be better or different if I wasn't alone all the time. But sometimes I am worried it's not just that and it goes beyond that:(.