Turning 40/being alive?

On the tv show Scrubs, there's an episode in season 2(?) where a terminal patient ponders about life. They then sing a song:

https://youtu.be/GcsrnT7Tv1o?si=RWqA1059U7UdBFKf

"I'm waiting for my real life to begin"

I think since my early 20s, I always felt as if that's the motto of my life...

Maybe during my early childhood days and school days, I still felt somewhat alive. But after school, even when I worked, I always felt aimless, drifting, without a clear goal or purpose. I was "waiting for my real life to begin".

Other people seemed to do it right. They had many friends, did many activities and didn't seem to struggle with motivation.

Meanwhile, I struggled with depression, motivation and finding a real purpose. While working my first job, I started to think "is this going to be my life? Just work, home, eat, do some hobbies, sleep and repeat?". I didn't feel alive and I felt even worse that I did all this just for myself. Maybe because I had already spent many years alone, I felt tired of it. 

Later, there were times and moments when I thought I finally did start to live, when I felt alive. I felt more alive during my first visits to Indonesia or when I was with Dinar. And later, I met Mutiah and I was living with her, which seemed so much nicer than doing everything alone. It seemed to prove to me that being together/with someone instead of being alone was indeed better. It's not that the activities were that different (or more), but everything just seemed to be more fun together. 

And when I lost her/that, it dealt a strong blow to my will to live and it made me struggle for a purpose. After trying for new relationships, I eventually even felt like I sort of accepted that maybe that's just not in the cards for me.

Then, 2024, I met Lara unexpectedly and it seemed like that spark of life was back unexpectedly. Doing the most mundane things felt fun together. I felt alive again, like I participated in life like others did. And I believed the lies and false promises that this was what she wanted to (build something).

I also know that most people do not seem to care about relationships or having someone to build a life with even nearly as much as I do. I don't know if anyone is right or wrong here. And I know we shouldn't "depend" on others. But I also know what I actually feel. And after over 20 years of social isolation (partially due to myself, partially...bad luck?), I am definitely sick and tired of it. 

Now I turned 40 today. I mourn decades of time lost. I envy people around me who found someone to build something with, apparently with ease. I obviously wonder if the reason I couldn't find that is me or if it's just bad luck. Maybe it doesn't even matter, it can't be undone. I want to look forward and build something, but I also know, this is a fight of emotion and logic. Emotionally, I am DESPERATE and want to rush in and don't want to wait. Logically, I know that this obviously isn't possible. 

But I can't help it. I just don't feel as alive alone (anymore) as I briefly felt if I was part of a team (or thought I was). Maybe because being single is really not difficult and anyone could do it? And being with someone and staying together is a real challenge, but seems worthwhile? 

What really matters in our life? All the riches we can amass, the homes we can buy or build, the stuff we can buy - it's all for nothing once we die.

Love or family are also gone when we die. But we will know that we felt content during our life and until our death. 

I don't want to live in a world where selfishness is rewarded and we all fuck each other over. I want to live in a world of healthy challenges, where we can share our life with people on our intellectual level, ideally with an emotional connection too. Am I really asking for the moon or expect too much? Will my real life ever begin? Or is this as good as it will ever be?

Dream of Indri/people in our lives

Last night, I dreamt that I was in some kind of water park. I went on some slide (although it was more like some lazy river), but didn't seem to properly "slide". Some Japanese/Asian girls behind me complained, so I went back to the beginning of the slide to put some lotion or something on me in order to better slide.

There was a woman behind/near us that seemed very sympathetic to my situation. It seemed as if she was flirting with me/liked me, so I paid more attention to her. She seemed familiar to me and as I looked at her, I realized she is my old friend Indri who had one day just blocked me in 2017 when I told her I would soon move to Bali. I never understood why and it made me very sad back then, so I felt happy in a way that she somehow came back, but also confused why she even left to begin with. 

She wanted to be in my life again as... something/someone? It didn't seem romantic, but just sincere (and sincerity always touches/moves me a lot). So I accepted it. I asked her why she had done it back then, but she didn't tell me or said something like "does it even matter anymore?".

Throughout the rest of the dream which included some kind of weird meeting of me with the Penguin from Batman (and his associate) where we negotiated some terms on how to divide up the city between them and us (good), which included Indri, I just felt happy that she was in my life again. I woke up, feeling very sad, not wanting to have to return to reality and to continue dreaming. 

It all reminded me of what BoJack Horseman says on his show about how "in this terrifying world, all we have is the connections we make". 

Why do all the people that I let once get really close to me seemingly decide to leave me, except a few? Will those few leave me too?

Am I just an awful person to know or be around? Is it because of something I am totally innocent of, so it happening the way it did isn't my fault?

If it is my fault, I really wish I could know and understand why, so I could change and make amends. If it isn't me, I would still like to talk to them and find a way to maybe remind them that we were once close and had allowed each other to mean something to each other!

Indri was always someone who meant a lot to me. We met/knew each other online through MySpace back in 2006/07. We were close and once almost became a couple, although it ended sort of tragically when my ex/girlfriend showed up at the airport (apparently my mother told her?) when Indri came to pick me up. Indri had made me a mix tape/CD that I still have and the songs on it still remind me of her. I still feel bad to this day for what happened back then, because I really wanted to try to build something meaningful with her, even though I technically had that girlfriend. But that girlfriend had let me down time and time again, told me that she doesn't love me and that she loves and wants her ex, so I didn't feel we actually were a couple.

Back then, I was younger. I was stupid. I should have left with Indri, not leave Indri. I understand now that I probably did it because I was "addicted" to this ex girlfriend (who is one of 3 girlfriends I had that seemed so important to me that it really took me a lot of time and strength to move on from and who all were probably narcissistic or had a borderline personality and were very good at manipulating), but of course that's not an excuse. It's a reason. It's something I wish I could undo. 

Despite this, me and Indri remained close. I still have a letter she sent me in 2007 of how she just wants a simple, happy life, a small house, etc. I think I felt that me and her felt a connection because deep inside, we want something simple and true. Which makes it all the more sad that we never got it. 

I accompanied Indri throughout her relationship she had when things didn't work for us (I think she called the guy Brahms or something?). I was there when they broke up and she was sad and came to my place (I was in Jakarta at the time). I even slept with her at that time, even though I actually didn't feel like it's a good idea or I really wanted to, but it broke my heart to see her so sad and I didn't want to make her feel rejected again. 

It may sound like things for us were about romance or lust. But I never felt it was. Indri always felt more like an older sister to me. Someone I "loved" in a way, but because I felt she understood me, not because I thought we are all lovey dovey.

I guess now at almost 40, I can say that I felt a more adult "love" for her, compared to the juvenile love most of us mistake for real love that has much more to do with hormones and lust and temporary emotions? She is/was someone I always cared about. I even introduced her to other friends of mine to help her and because I think I always wanted a big family, so I was hoping that everyone that means something to me would like each other too. 

In 2012, I moved to Bali where Indri had moved not long before me. We now could have met more often, but sadly, we didn't very much. She was dating some Dutch guy (although it seemed like a strange, open relationship) and I felt a bit shocked and sad to see who Indri was now. 

Since she turned 30, she seemed more bitter. She talked negatively about men and seemed bitter and kind of hopeless. I didn't recognize the Indri that just wanted a simple, happy life. This new Indri seemed "sluttier" and self-loathing. Back then, I didn't really understand why. Being older now, I can understand it better, although it seemed that I had this phase of my life earlier/later (the nihilistic part where I was "sluttier" in my early 20s, the hopeless part more in the second half of my 30s). Now that I write it down, it actually makes me think of the many women I felt I have to "save"...

I also had soon found a girlfriend back then and met Indri only one more time in 2013 with said girlfriend. Indri always seemed to know me well and told me/pointed out to me that I sure knew how to "pick 'em". Maybe that's why I also miss her. She was always someone I could be honest with, who also was very honest with me. We could be emotionally naked in front of each other. 

Our contact after that lessened. Maybe because one of the friends I had introduced her to stole my life savings and I had asked Indri for help (she probably didn't like to be between the fronts, although I also thought her loyalty would lie with me, since we were friends much longer) and had to name her as one of the witnesses for the case. 

I think in 2015, after we had barely talked in over a year, I once just sent her a text, asking her how she was and she became very angry. She told me that she had the flu and how dare I ask her how she was (I guess I was supposed to read her mind/know?) and that was pretty much it.

In 2017, I simply told her that I would soon move to Bali again and would like to meet her. And she read it...and blocked me. I never understood that:(. We had known us for such a long time. Been through quite a few things together. Did none of that matter? 

But why do those things matter to me? Why do I still wish I could talk (just talk) to some of my ex partners? Former friends who just vanished? Is it wrong? 

People usually say "That's fine, Flo, it's their loss, just move on with your life".

But is this all life is? You get to know people, start to truly care about them, let them into your life and heart and then they just abandon you? Without even telling you why? Maybe even without a real reason?

If we do accept that and just jump from person to person and never truly let anyone get close to us or truly let ourselves get close to them, like a masochistic game of musical chairs, what's the point of life?? 

What's the purpose? How do we get there?

At this point, I often wonder what's the point of it all. Why are we here? Why do we live? Or maybe it's just me who asks himself that?

Recently, I felt very selfish. I still do. Am I as responsible as I thought I was? Have I changed?

It might not help that during this summer, I have a lot of memories of last summer haunting me. Last summer, I seemed to have a purpose, a goal, something to build and look forward to. But either I was just always lied to and manipulated by L or I also tricked myself by ignoring the warning signs and red flags. Or maybe it's a bit of both.

I was thinking a lot about what makes us fall in love and what love really is. Real love in my opinion should make you stronger, feel better (like my mother said who warned me early on that a relationship should add to your life, not take away from it). I realized that my relationships were always with people who I felt I have to fight for and struggle for to "earn their love". Maybe that's why I showed patience with them that even they remarked to be remarkable, because it was for myself too? Was it real empathy? Was it for myself? Both?

I would say a real love can be a bit selfish. I mean, if we help someone else to feel better and happier in their lives and have helped to make them feel better overall, doesn't this make us feel useful, proud and happier too? 

Even if we donate money, help homeless people, animals etc, one could say that we get something from it, because we feel like a "better" person.

I don't know if I try to rationalize being selfish here. Or if that's normal love?

But I keep hearing from people that we must learn to be happy on our own, that we must he able to be alone, etc. But can we? Whether we are active in religion, work, our family, doesn't feeling better or happy or ok always rely on other human beings or at least animals/creatures? Can anyone TRULY be happy, just completely alone, without any outside stimuli or acknowledgement or emotional and spiritual influence?

Even my friends who have other goals than me (I seem to see having a healthy relationship as a worthwhile purpose, also based on experience and having tried other purposes) seem to be "hypocrites" in a way. They may not pursue love out of different reasons. But they still keep themselves occupied with work or spirituality or things that require people or creatures. I mean, technically, I couldn't even KNOW anyone who doesn't do so, because they wouldn't communicate or be in touch with me or others. 

So yeah, I find myself struggling these days. I thought that analysis and pinpointing what may have caused it or understanding what happened last year or in previous years in relationships might help. And it does, RATIONALLY. But a person isn't just all rationality. We have emotions too. 

Now I could say my emotions just "betray" me, but I think that would be wrong and dangerous too. It would be like those women I know who just cut off any contact to someone they (claimed to have) loved and who simply surpress their feelings (I still don't know if I should envy them for this skill or not, to me it seems that they never actually TRULY loved anyone because they never opened their heart. If you ever opened your heart, how can you easily deal with those feelings of vulnerability and fear that come with it?). 

I did realize this about women (maybe some men) though: The women I tried to be with or "loved" (and I think I may have only loved the best in them, plus parts that maybe didn't exist and I just wanted to see?) either started to open their hearts to me, got scared and closed it again (which of course meant they can't receive love, nor give it) or they never even learner to open it or managed to always keep it closed from the beginning. Even those who did open their hearts at first seemed to do so more out of primal instinct than as a conscious decision.

Maybe me being somewhat autistic or "weird" and being so open with people is why I can say one of my few "known" good traits is that people can easily open up to me and be more trusting or open with me than most people. This SHOULD be a good thing, but it utterly seems like a useless trait to help me in finding a purpose.

Even someone from my past who told me she had severe problems to sexually climax with any of her partners from the other sex (and I think it's difficult to judge or evaluate the same-sex partner, since she knows the anatomy too well, so to properly compare, she'd have to re-live those times together as a man) could somehow easily achieve climax with me, especially during the early "idealization and love-bombing" phase, but it got a little "worse" later on (after she seemed to be afraid of how emotionally open she had become, something she didn't seem familiar with, having a history of basically only knowing toxic relationships all of her life, something she even acknowledged herself at one point). 

I don't have the ego or audacity to believe I am "such an amazing lover" that it's merely a matter of skill. Maybe I am an advanced intermediate. So logically, it must be the trust and comfort I can excude and give! The sincerity. 

I think like that because I did notice this with others too who were surprised that they coulr achieve climax with me. Statistically, only roughly ⅕ of women even CAN through vaginal intercourse. And since I have sufficient "number", I can be quite certain it's not just some statistical anomaly, but that my rate was far closer to ½ or even ⁶-⁷/10. 

And yet, does it help? I know it's of course not just about that or the sex itself. But isn't trust the most important thing for interhuman relationships? It starts when we're kids and we literally HAVE to trust our caregivers and they decide our fate. We literally live or die, based on their choices. 

So having this trait should make it easier or at least make me a viable option for anyone who is truly serious. 

And yet I seem to have always found or attracted people who could neither deduct this logically or merely feel it to stay and fight for/with me and make the same effort (or even more sometimes, I mean, why not?).

And the people who do seem to understand it or appreciate it always seem to have been people I couldn't feel this "love" for. 

So am I just doomed to miss and yearn for people that "don't get it"? Why would that be? Why would I be so stupid emotionally? How can I fix or change that?

By merely trying to stay with someone long enough that I like and care for, but don't have this passionate emotional desire for? Or am I simply not used to it when I don't have to do all the fighting and "earning of love"?

I just feel that now that I am almost 40, it really seems like I have wasted half of my life already and I just seem to feel unhappier with every year. And with less and less purpose.

At least with the purpose, I don't seem to stand alone (most people seem to lack any true purpose, especially one that isn't in one way or another linked to other people or emotions we receive from work, religion, family, friends = people). People also seem to be lonelier and lonelier, so I still believe and think it makes sense that purpose is very closely connected to people and other human beings. 

Yet the last piece of the puzzle that's missing seems to make sure EMOTIONALLY and in parts rationally who that person can be. 

Am I selfish?

What makes us selfish or unselfish? Are we selfish if we focus on ourselves? Is that the "self love" or "you have to love yourself first before loving others" thing people keep talking about? Or is it just a euphemism for selfishness?

Lately, I have compared myself to my own standards and ideals and I felt like a hypocrite. I don't feel like I truly "care" about anyone anymore (although I feel that includes myself too, which might be important). 

I don't seem to care about my future or my life. I don't seem to care if other people are disappointed in me, because I am already disappointed in me, so they're just catching up. 

I feel like I have let down people in my life. Family, friends, acquaintances. I want to be someone people can rely on, not someone who is unreliable and lacking empathy.

But I also think that I overestimate my own capacity of doing things. As it is, I can't seem to take proper care of myself or follow a regular schedule in my life. It was better the last two months, but has gotten worse again this month. I don't seem to be productive and can't sleep normally or follow a healthy routine. 

I struggle to even do small things, like properly cleaning my room, replying to people who reach out to me or acknowledging them. 

I may not "have to" respond to everyone, but I feel it's rude and unfair if I ignore or delay it. 

Maybe I have always made that mistake, that I felt obligated to be available and responsible? But I don't know if it is because I get older or because I have lost my drive or if I'm just lazy or selfish. 

Sometimes I wonder if I truly care about people in my life. I feel as if I do, but do I care about others because I actually care and I would put myself second over their well-being? Or am I just kidding myself and that's just something I tell myself? 

I haven't even visited my grandmother since I am back. I always have some reason or excuse. The same is true for my mother. I haven't visited her or helped her when she needed help or spent Easter with her.

Now I could say that my brother is doing all those things as well, but that's not the way I want to think. What he does is his responsibility. 

So yeah, I think I AM selfish:(. Question is, do I want to change it? And if I do, how can I change it? If I want to be a good partner for someone, I need to be sure that I am not just going through the motion or mimicking them, but that I actually mean it. And that seems like something that is hard to keep track off. Maybe I could use someone's help to see how I am doing with that. But who?

Logic

Logic. I always liked it. Logic helps us to understand things better that we otherwise can't explain. Or to make it clearer to ourselves what we feel. Or why. 

They say men are usually more logical. And they say women are more emotional.

But that hasn't always been my experience. 

First of all, the logic men call logic isn't necessarily the logic a woman calls logic. 

For a woman, it could be logical (for example) to spend all her money on fun things or trips, while a man might find it logical to save his money first. 

Yet I know men who follow a similar logic as the woman in the example above. And women who follow the example of the man above.

When it comes to relationships, logic becomes a tricky thing too. 

Love for example - is it logical? 

In a strictly biochemical way, yes. It's oxytocin and other chemicals in our brain that make us feel connected to another person. There's a logic behind that, because to date and mate, the goal (biologically) is to create a new life.

But how can a baby survive, if both parents are not together? The baby's chances are best if the parents are together and form a strong unit. 

And yet, if love was only logical, we could explain it. We could find reasons why we love someone that are purely logical. Like "this person is good to me" or "this person has great looks". But love doesn't work that way. I can't just decide to love any given woman, simply because she is a good match for me on paper. Neither can anyone. If it would be that easy, love wouldn't be magical or special. It would be ONLY logic.

So we need another element. Feeling. 

Now, when it comes to feelings, they say it's the women who are more emotional or in touch with their emotions. And it's the men who aren't.

But is that true? 

I personally must be a woman then, because I have always been in touch with my emotions (more than I would like to) and was always able to easily share and express my thoughts and feelings.

They say men usually can't do that. They say basically all women CAN and DO do that.

Again, not in my experience. Basically all the women I met, be it family, friends or women I dated are TERRIFIED to truly share their true thoughts or feelings. It's an absolute lie that women excel at this. They often don't even seem to understand or know what they feel or why. Or they openly fight feeling those feelings. 

I realized lately that every woman that broke up with me had in one way or another denied their own feelings, lied about them or had refused to feel the feelings/acknowledge them. 

I think I also know the reason for that. Feeling feelings is a double-edged sword. Everyone wants to feel positive feelings, nobody wants to feel negative feelings.

If people play a game, everyone wants the feeling of being a winner while nobody wants to be a loser. And yet, there can't BE a winner without a loser at the same time.

In the same way, you can't be in love or feel the happiness of a true relationship if you actively fight to feel love, fight the feeling to miss someone or to care about them. 

This is where women have lost me. 

I absolutely understand and am certain that the logical reason those women do that is fear. Fear of negative feelings, fear of loss. 

But how can those women not UNDERSTAND that? How can they not see that by being so negative, so full of assumptions, with such high walls around their feelings, they sabotage the very thing they claim to want?

It just makes NO LOGICAL SENSE!

Logic dictates that you can't receive love if you aren't open to feel this love. That's like wanting to feel dry while dancing in the rain. Or feeling less thirsty without drinking. 

I keep asking myself: Is this just how basically all women are? Are 90+% like that? Or do I just continue to meet the wrong women who can't understand this?

But I also wonder: Why would I feel attracted or interested in such women?

With my experience in February, I thought that I had kind of "cracked the code". That I realized, yes, I was indeed attracted to broken people/women. I thought acknowledging and confirming this would help me to take the next step in life. 

But lately, after meeting and talking to some female friends, listening to their stories and comparing it to my theories, I feel like my new found wisdom doesn't help me. 

If I met someone today and would date this person, how would I know if this person is one of the few exceptions? How would I feel attracted to someone normal? Can I be?

If I am only attracted to broken people with traumas, I shouldn't be able to feel attracted to any woman, correct? But if I did find a woman nice and interesting, wouldn't this automatically mean that she's broken and has trauma? And is thus undateable, because she won't allow herself to fall in love?

If I have to run away or end something at the first red flag, any person I could meet would have to be basically flawless (which I am not and which women aren't either, they're also only human). 

So I always felt that I pretty much HAVE to be patient, have to give a second, third, fourth or even fifth chance. Not because I want it. Certainly not. I hate it! But I guess because I think with male logic, that a woman would understand "ah, this man is different, he can be trusted".

I mean, it works with kids and animals, for crying out loud! Kids and animals are sincere and in touch with their instinct. A stray dog or cat won't trust you right away usually. But if you can give them a few chances, they usually will decide to trust you (or not). They will SEE and UNDERSTAND that you're DIFFERENT and WON'T HURT THEM.

So why can't women do that? Why do men like me think that they could be in touch with their instincts?

Basically, it's as if those women don't trust their own instinct OR feelings. Because if you start to see someone, tell them that you like them, miss them, are happy and safe with them, aren't you speaking the truth? And wouldn't logic dictate that if you then decide to suddenly give up on this person because you're afraid to get hurt or love them, you basically say "well, my very own feelings CAN'T BE TRUSTED"? Because this very same person that at first likes the other person now basically admits "guess I was wrong".

But how can they even know then what's right or wrong? If they already just proved that they absolutely don't understand or know their own feelings and instinct, leaving someone over fear makes no sense, because that's again - you guessed it - feelings and instinct. The very thing they don't understand themselves.

Really, it makes no sense to me. I remember Thelma Ritter's (may she rest in peace) character in "Rear Window" saying "back in my days, if you liked each other, you just started to be HAPPY TOGETHER! You didn't poke holes in it or sabotaged yourself with all your doubts. You counted your blessing that you found something most people never find and thanked the Lord.

But today? Nope. Women rationalize that "I guess you're not the right person for me" or something, but they don't actually KNOW who or what the right person for them would look or be like. 

You don't FIND the right relationship, you create and build it. And I would say in the same way, you don't FIND the right partner (there certainly isn't some "The one"), you find someone who shows you sincerity and then you work on your relationship together.

But although all this makes sense to me, it doesn't help me. It doesn't even matter if I am right or wrong. If I am wrong, well, that's self explanatory. But if I am right, it still doesn't matter, because women will never agree or act accordingly. And I can't understand that. Heck, they even seem to think they act on logic if they act this contradictive way. But a logic that sabotages you and defies logic isn't logic. It's a paradox. A contradiction. 

And if there's any conclusion, I think it's a very depressing, hopeless conclusion: That we're basically all fucked. Because if men and women can't have a common understanding of this, we can never have healthy, good relationships. 

Burned down

He went there to find it. He knew it's well hidden and that trying to find it could cost him dearly. 

The place was desolate and chaotic, yet with some hope. He didn't know where to begin searching, so he started in the usual places. But, almost as he had expected, it couldn't be found there.

He finally seemed to have found it in the place he least expected it to be. It was dusty and hadn't been used in some time and there was a big risk it might never work again, but he thought he would try anyways, because it is worth the risk.

And it seemed to work at first. But then it suddenly vanished unexpectedly. He didn't know what had caused it or why it had happened, but it shocked him. He managed to find it again, but his faith in it had already deminished. But because he still thought it was worth the risk and he knew it hadn't been used or worked in a long time, he decided trying to keep the faith. 

And it seemed to improve and work better, as if it only had needed a good "talking to". But just as his faith had returned, it went out on him again. 

He felt very disappointed. He had already sacrificed a lot for this, had burned bridges and cities to the ground, had made decisions that couldn't be undone. Was it all for nothing? 

He gave it a last attempt, maybe because of all the effort it had taken him and knowing how hard it was to find it. Surely with time, he should finally be rewarded for his courage? 

But after it had worked again for one evening, it went "out" again the very next day and this time for good. 

P is for Psycho(?)...logically damaged?

Her name was P. We met on Bumble. She didn't look like a typical Indonesian, rather a bit Southern European. Turns out that she's Indian, but born in Indonesia, so Indioneasian?

Anyways, she said my profile is interesting and we started to talk. Sometimes she seemed more responsive, sometimes less. When it already seemed like the conversation fizzles out, I happened to be around her area with B at a new mall and I asked her if she'd like to meet me there. She agreed. I didn't know what I was in for...

I waited for her at around 3:15pm, having had lunch with B prior to that. She kept me updated, but seemed to have trouble to catch a ride. Well, since that's often normal in Indonesia and people are barely on time, it was ok for me. But as time passed, she still didn't seem to be anywhere near me. She apparently had arrived at the mall, but some other entrance and now wandered around, not finding me yet. 

Eventually, we did find us though, although it was 4:15pm by now. She said she would like to have a drink, but put the pressure on me to "decide" (which seemed a bit like one of those shit tests women give you where you can't win). I decided on some local drinks, Es Cendol and bland, sugarless tea for her (her choice). We started to talk and it seemed like a pretty normal date conversation, except that she didn't seem too interested in letting me finish sentences. But since I often talk too much anyways, I adapted and listened more to what she had to say. Which was quite a lot actually.

She told me about her two ex boyfriends (Dutch and Russian) and how she hadn't seen her mother or brother in ages. It was interesting for me to see someone share so much, so fast (something usually only I do). 

It became a bit odd though when she told me for the second or third time that her Russian ex with whom she had been together for 10 years had come back 5 years ago. She told me that the reason was that he never found anyone to love him like she did. She repeated that a few times too throughout the day. 

But up until now, I didn't think there was anything particularly wrong. 

When I had almost finished my drink, she had to go to the bathroom, so I waited. When she came back, we realized she had left her purse(?) and phone lying at the counter. Again, seemed like it could happen.

She said she wants to buy something for her aunt's birthday, although they're not related through blood. So we went to Uniqlo. I usually enjoy shopping with a girlfriend if I can give input, so this wasn't a problem for me. I gave her my opinion and she pondered which shirt to buy for her aunt. Eventually, she called her and was joking around with her, which also seemed normal. I pointed out a soft shirt I saw for her, thinking it would really suit her. I felt a bit cocky at this point, feeling like I wasn't TOO interested in her, so I felt I can practice some flirt strategies on her, such as pretending we were already a couple and I'd advice her on what style of clothes to get.

After that, she told me I should get something for myself, her treat. This was kind of strange for me, seeing we had just met. I didn't feel comfortable, also because I don't really like to buy clothes under pressure. 

But somehow, she soon forgot that she had suggested it. While this was fine for me, I started to wonder what's going on with her. It seemed as if she couldn't remember what she already told me or wanted to do, as if she had no short term memory!

We went to the register and she wasn't sure about the one shirt. She liked it, but said the total would be too high. So we went back to the other shirts and found one shirt in a different color. She wanted to go back to the register, but didn't remember where they were! 

Now I was definitely thinking something isn't right. She still kept telling me the same story or bits of it over and over again. But while this was definitely weird, I thought it's also interesting and curious and didn't pose any real threat. 

When we were finished at Uniqlo, she said she wants to get something warm, she'd feel cold. She made me touch her hand and asked if she can hold mine for warmth. I didn't mind, but it seemed like a sort of lame excuse for physical contact. But since I am not someone who is flirted with constantly, I didn't mind.

We sat down in a cafe where she ordered some coffee and hot water and I had some tea. After talking to the staff and paying, we talked some more, but by now, it was definitely obvious she kept telling me the same things ad nausea. She had to go "to the bathroom" again, but it was ok for me as I was watching one of those people that you see a lot in malls now that dress in cute costumes and pose for pictures. She did say that when she comes back, I could ask her 3 questions and she would ask me 3 questions, which sounded interesting and fun. 

It took her a while and when she was back, she couldn't find her phone. She had misplaced it apparently and I suggested we check the bathroom again, but she said it's not there. She asked me to call it and someone actually answered. 

We wanted to go there, but she told me to pay first. Now it wasn't really funny anymore, since I had SEEN her pay! I asked her if she didn't remember? She apparently didn't.

Back near the bathrooms, we looked for the person that had called her (she didn't seem to remember the description given to her by that person either). Finally, we found her and she gave her a generous finder fee. While the woman who had found it seemed happy, I think she was also a bit intimidated by how odd P acted. 

P also said she wants to find sports shoes as she "likes to run" (something she had already told me 3-5 times too). On the way to the store, she asked to go to the bathroom AGAIN, saying this time it was to fix her make up! Well, I said ok and waited and she came back. By this point, she wasn't shy at all about holding my hand and we went to the shoe store.

There, I asked her what kind of style or color she wants. We sat down on a bench there and she started to act really weird. She seemed to be under the influence of something, as if she was high or totally spaced out. I started to feel concerned, because it DEFINITELY wasn't funny anymore! She started to slur her words and her eyes started to roll back in her head. Through the slurs, she mumbled and slurred something like "I love you!"

Apparently, when she went to the bathroom for her make up, she actually drank alcohol, saying it's because she was so nervous about meeting me. That I'd be perfect for her, that I AM perfect, etc. 

I asked the staff for help after she lay half passed out over my lap. He informed security and later, some more people came with a wheelchair. 

She mumbled a lot of weird stuff about "Balinese selingkuh (cheat) and have small kontol (dicks)". She also said she doesn't actually like me because of #_@ (something slurred, I couldn't understand). She told the security (a woman) "you're so pretty", yet also insulted her by continuing "...but also chubby!"

The staff seemed amused or annoyed. One guy said something like "people want to shop here, get her out of here!"

People seemed to assume I was her husband or boyfriend. I felt responsible for her and bad for the staff, but also a bit weird. She kept slurring a lot of weird stuff, a mix of compliments, insults and the kind of cockiness only drunk people have. Basically, she acted like a drunk kid - VERY honest, but also acknowledging the obvious in such a naive way, it was almost cute (like saying "I have legs! I can walk!" She couldn't btw!).

We finally got her into the wheelchair and out of the mall. I assumed that they would call some ambulance or something (before she passed out, I saw on her phone that a "Bali Mental Health Clinic" had tried to call!), but they merely asked me to handle it and called a Grab or Gojek car. While waiting for it, she drunkenly said things like "Iiiii 'mmm a lil tipsayyy" or "you knwww wheyyy Iii don't like youuuu? 'ou have no class!"

I didn't take anything she said at this point very serious anymore. Although she did seem to have moments of clarity. She often said "let me tell you the truth". Basically, with time, the story seemed to be that she had herself committed at the Mental Health Clinic due to severe trauma, a broken heart and family issues.

She had told me before that she apparently was born into a rich family and had been kidnapped when she was 3. They held her captive for 2 years and apparently raped her constantly. 

Now, I obviously don't know if this all is true, but it would explain some of the odd behavior. 

While she had hugged me earlier or even kissed me on the forehead and made kissy mouths and faces (which I ignored as they were awkward as f...), she also had pushed my hand off her shoulder aggressively when I tried to comfort her. She also did the same with the staff a few times. 

Well, the car finally arrived and since I didn't want some poor driver to be attacked by a clearly unwell woman or for her to jump into traffic otw, I decided to tag along, although I was due home 2 hours already.

On the ride, she told me she would play some music and sing, but she was so high, she could barely type or tried to enter her pin in the dial pad to call someone. 

She also called some woman (I thought a friend or maybe lover?), but it was unsuccessful. When she had dialed, she handed me the phone, saying something like "this will prove it". I had no clue what she meant or referred to. 

We finally arrived at the clinic where I felt kind of shocked how cavalier they seemed about her abscence. They just said "Pinky, where were you?" (Pinky being her nickname). 

She just replied like a proud child "I went shopppinngggg" and grinned with her eyes hazy. She told the nurse "you're a fatty fatty" and other interesting statements. The staff seemed to be used to it though. 

We tried to get her to her room where she told another nurse "five husbands/boyfriends are too much, we don't have enough butts/pussies for it". Seriously, you couldn't make this stuff up! If it hadn't been so serious, I probably would have been in stitches!

We finally got her to her room. I had long given up going home and the staff really didn't seem to care or feel concerned. They just let me sit there with her. She kept telling me "let me tell you the truth" and told me more about that Russian. A lot of things contradicted things she had told me. 

She claimed to hate alcohol, but said the Russian left her because she kept drinking over the rape trauma.

She claimed she was engaged 4(?) times, but broke it off because "he was TOO HAIRY! I HATE HAIRRRR! I DON'T WANT MY KIDS TO HAVE HAIR!"

Ah, but no, then she said she ended it because he had hit her!

Seriously, I guess only God knows. She also said she couldn't possibly get over him, only to tell me 10 mins later she will move on because she is strong.

She kept reiterating that a lot. How strong she was. How she is still not ugly yet. How she needs botox to be "pretty" and how she is 42 and unmarried.

Basically, she kept switching from victim to warrior in seconds and back. 

The irony for me was that by this point, I had long realized that while I saw the whole date as a normal one at first, the reason I slowly felt more interested in her (maybe up until the cafe) was that I could sense how FUCKED UP this woman was! A part of me seriously felt like hugging her, comforting her, helping her. The only thing that kept me from it was the realization that this is exactly what I feared in recent months about myself AND that I clearly am not qualified. Plus, who knows what such a person is capable of!

Since the shoe store, she had been insisting on me to "visit her home and spend the night" (sleep with her, whether that meant sex or just sleeping). I clearly DON'T want to take advantage of such a traumatized person and kept politely refusing her offer. But she didn't seem to care or remember. 

She called her boss for some reason (an American) and they talked about a date the boss had. Even the boss could tell something is off, saying she sounds wonky and asking if she's drunk. She lied and said she wasn't, but the boss didn't seem to believe her. Well, no shit!

I finally made my way out of there, telling her I really have to go home. She said it's ok, but if I can sleep there. I said I would (like hell!), but the staff probably wouldn't allow it.

Well, I talked to the staff after I finally left her room. Turns out they actually WOULD let me stay! I told them what had happened, about the alcohol, etc. Honestly didn't give me the best impression of the medical system or how laissez-faire they seemed to be.

So yeah, that was my crazy date. In a way, I am glad it happened though, because I think it can help me down the road. But boy, it's quite shocking to see how damaged our modern life leaves some people/women. Aging and not being married seemed to really get to P, despite all the hoity toity talk about what a strong, independent career woman she was! That's what I actually thought many times: How can anyone truly be happy who just works? 

If something like this is the result, it's surely scary.

It's also scary that Bumble doesn't have a way to let me report this. People who aren't mentally well definitely shouldn't be in circulation!

That feeling

Since I was a little boy, I was interested in girls. I wasn't quite sure why nor did I have any idea what I should do with one if I had one, but growing up, I realized of course that girls and boys are different.

I had a few female friends from kindergarten, like Lena, a bubbly little girl that loves plush monkeys and invited me a few times to her birthday parties. She also announced to her family and me that "one day, we will marry!"

Oh, dear Lena 😊...if only things could be so easy in reality. 

Years later, we connected through Facebook and she remembered that she once wanted to marry me or how we had played house together. Unfortunately, since we were both older, that lightness and easiness of being kids was missing and things that wouldn't bother you so much as a kid would be a problem. 

I would have liked to met her, if even just for nostalgias sake. But she left me on read many times and when I was voicing my frustration about that, she was gone.

Why do I think of this? Well, because I was wondering why I always seem to have wanted to be with or near girls, not just other boys. I had male friends of course and we played Legos or guns or videogames and other stuff boys play. But as my mom and grandmother had taught me, "girls are more mature than boys".

Well, in some way, they were. Although I think that quickly changed around our teenage years. Both genders then behaved more and more erratic. 

Despite my efforts to get to know a girl and to "go with her", it somehow never happened. During the first 10 years of my life, I guess it was simply that such young kids wouldn't have the slightest clue what we would actually want to do together.

And after that, I was apparently too unattractive for the girls, since none of them ever replied to any of my letters, inviting them to see a movie.

But throughout it all and despite the many rejections, I kept pursuing them, because I wanted to feel that feeling you couldn't feel with boys:

That feeling to be smitten, to be happy, to be high on love and admiration for someone. 

I was already 20 when I finally had my first kiss (and first time), but unlike my rather romantic dreams and fantasies of it, it was rather disappointing and definitely with the wrong girl. 

In hindsight, I think I only truly had that deep feeling for my last girlfriend, for my girlfriend M in 2012 and for my second girlfriend D in 2006. 

It is quite strange, because if I'd compare them, they are all quite different. And I lately wonder what it was that made me fall in love with them. Or if that even was love?

But what is love? Is love a feeling we feel for a person we like a lot and who often is very much like us? Not necessarily. My last girlfriend and D were not so much like me in ways of interests or thinking. Despite that (or because of it?), we had happy times, especially with my last girlfriend. With D, there was also a lot of drama and instability. Although that later also happened with my last girlfriend.

With M, I actually had a lot in common and our thoughts didn't seem so different either. But unlike with my last girlfriend L and D before, I didn't feel nervous when I met M. 

I guess one thing they all had in common is that they seemed to genuinely care about me (at first) and that they gave me seemingly genuine attention and effort. I think this made me feel like I can trust them and I opened up emotionally and mentally. 

Maybe it's that feeling of being truly vulnerable to another human being that we can define as love? To be so happy to be around or with someone, so proud and full of joy that we accept them with all their pros and cons and trust them with our happiness, in a sense? Not in the way that we say "here, from now on you must make me happy", but "here, I give you my full trust. If you give me yours in return, we can double our personal happiness by sharing it!"

Unfortunately, it seems that neither D, M nor L ever truly loved me and felt this way. Nor did the other women I dated that I thought I loved, but somehow didn't feel quite as much for as I did with those 3. Which is also something I don't understand. 

Love isn't just a feeling we have because we are lonely. Or because someone is smart, pretty or sexy. That's all too superficial and shallow, although it can be a small part of it.

But I think that feeling of love is more about this ability to put ourselves second sometimes voluntarily and to be patient. And to never give up on that other person, because we understand and learned that while we can end things and try again, we will always sooner or later come to a crossroads, to our fight or flight moment. 

I saw what happened to some of them. They left me to find happiness in other ways, but now either seem lonelier, sadder or - at best - stuck in the same position where they were when they left me. 

Not that I fare any better, but I didn't leave them and didn't really understand why they did. 

Didn't they feel that feeling? How can this feeling be so strong and all consuming for me, but not for them? I guess logically, they either never felt this exact feeling I felt or they were too afraid to truly be vulnerable and open? 

It can truly hurt us a lot and I have been feeling numb and empty for quite some time now, because I no longer have someone to share that feeling with, to feel it for. I want to love and be loved, but it seems as if I am doing something wrong or I just don't understand or learn what the lesson is that comes with this feeling.

I guess neither did they though? If we all met because our love for someone else didn't work, aren't we all losers at love, no matter how long we may have had a relationship with someone? If it ended, isn't it still a failure? Isn't it still a sign we may have to change something? 

I don't know if they have to change, I have to change or both of us have to change. But I would be happy to do it if it gave me a chance to feel that feeling again in a healthy way. I am just not sure anymore how. Can I still feel it, after all those disappointments? Am I just incapable of learning? 

Because I feel IF both sides truly embrace it and have to courage to feel it and to hold on to it, this feeling is the purpose and source to happiness in our lives!

Places

Why do places bring back sad or melancholic memories? 

I remember 2013, my girlfriend of 1,5 years had left me. We had lived together in Bali for a long time and after I had to go back there in 2014, almost every single spot reminded me of her. Obviously the guesthouse where we had stayed together. But also the airport, the convenience store, the malls, the beaches...even a friggin traffic light where we often had to stop while I sat on the back of her scooter, hugging her. 

It took me many years to cope with those feelings. After 2014, I didn't go back there until 2018 and by then, I still remembered it, albeit things were a bit better. Finally, I found closure when I went to her workplace and tried to make amends for whatever I had done wrong.

2022, I still remember the places. But the sadness is almost gone. Now I feel more of a sad yearning for the overall feeling of not having someone. Or a sadness that life in general just felt different, more fun back then. 

I doubt though that ever the day should come when I won't remember those places and memories at all. 

I often ask myself lately if I am one of few people who goes through this for so long. Other people don't seem to have those problems or they at least don't share it or admit to it. 

Now since 2024, I am facing a similar situation after tPd. I am reminded of the tPd in supermarkets, bus stops, train stations...places I often frequent that I had frequented with tPd too. I hate it! It's harder this time if this happens in a place you can't really avoid. And I dread that it could take 6-8 years like with M. 

One thing I think I learned from my time with M and after is that it takes time and that we have to try to continue. Fake it till u make it, so to speak. We have to meet new people, create new associations and memories to the places that now give us sadness and melancholy. I don't know if that's the right or healthy way to do things, but it seems to be the sanest, most logical option? 

I really wonder why it's just me(?) who seems to have such a hard time with these things. How are other people not going crazy over things like that? 

Is it that they never had such deep, sincere feelings maybe? Is it because they never allow themselves to be so open and vulnerable? And while they may miss out on TRUE love (at least I think that's how we truly love), they also avoid getting hurt? Is this the world we will live in soon? 99% of people just always taking more than they are giving?

Won't that make any places that may hold memories to us even sadder places? 

A lot of friends, male or female have been telling me this. To not love too much. To not take much or any risk. But I think that's a very selfish approach. Sure, it works. But it keeps any relationship people have as friends, family or partners only skin-deep.

Valentine's Day

Soon it's Valentine's Day again. Even though it's not a real holiday (the actual Saint was killed with arrows to the heart for trying to do missionary work if I am not mistaken), it makes me kind of sad because it reminds me of the current state of dating for myself and in the world.

For over 19 years, I have tried to find someone suitable to have a happy relationship with, but other than having some moments of fleeting happiness, I never found it. I only had one Valentine's Day when I was physically close to my partner and we had a big fight that day, so I never had a happy one. 

This year, it just reminds me of last year and the other Valentine's that sometimes seemed so full of hope and perspective, but ultimately just didn't amount to anything:(.

Then again, I wonder if it's better for others, like the women I dated. Did some of them have a romantic or happy Valentine's Day? If they did, how come they are alone again? If they lost that special person, doesn't such a day hurt them now? I guess not...

I seem to be pretty alone in feeling sad about the past and in remembering things so clearly. If people did something nice for me, I usually remember it forever, but this doesn't seem to be the case with women (at least those that I dated). 

I am confused what women actually want or desire. Women/modern young people seem to fear any kind of responsibility, so it doesn't make much sense to me that some of them are even looking for a relationship. It's like a fish, looking for a bicycle. He can't use it. And they couldn't be in a relationship. 

Maybe it's due to the way we are being raised these days. All of us have traumas and the parents of those children were probably often unfit. The kids might have an avoidant or disruptive attachment style, which means that they believe they want and are ready for a relationship, but they really fear the intimacy and vulnerability of it. 

This is tragic, because it puts everyone else at danger of getting hurt. 

I met my share of broken people (really, it seems to be the ONLY kind of women I can fall in love with) and it breaks my heart that I can't help them. Yet I don't seem to be interested in helping those that COULD be helped or saved:(. 

I don't know anymore...is true love something people still understand? That they are capable of? Ready for? Am I even ready for it? I feel like I am. But since I can't find or meet the right woman, I have become rather hopeless. In a way, I feel like St. Valentine, with arrows having pierced my heart 💔 💘 

Life is strange

Since I was 20 or before, I was looking for a serious relationship and a partner in life. For it to be realistic, I knew I needed enough money. So since 2007, I dabbled in the stock market (with horrible results at first, but then gradually improving).

By 2021, I finally learned and understood some key aspects of the market. 2024, I reached a milestone. Finally, after all those years, I was/am in a position where I could actually feed myself and a partner and support a life together just with the yield of my equity (basically the profit of my investment). 

Only that I have no partner! I tried to find one, but while almost all of them seemed to make money their #1 condition for their "love", many also didn't want to become "dependent".

At first, this makes some sense. It seems risky to be with someone who has financial control over you. 

On the other hand, what's work then? Any employer also has financial control over us and we are dependent on our job. We are also dependent on our landlord if we don't own property.

So we are basically very dependent, even if we don't know it. 

I kept thinking why it's so difficult to find a partner these days. Especially now that I have the means to support one financially, even allowing for us to not having to work. 

On paper, I now have many things women claim to want:

I am over 180cm

I am fit/slim

I don't smoke or drink

I am interested in marriage/a serious relationship 

I have a certain level of financial autarky, allowing for more personal freedom

I am not looking for a woman to pamper me or be a "maid"

And yet when I think about it and look at my experience, the things women claim to want and the things women actually do want don't seem to align. 

I actually encountered this independence crap a lot! I say crap, because I don't think anyone of us, man or woman is independent. Like I said, we depend on work, the economy, customers, society...many factors. 

Also, a relationship is supposed to be a partnership. Partners usually DEPEND on each other. When has being dependable actually become a bad thing?

And yet women seem to want a committed partner while maintaining a single lifestyle. I remember talking to a Chinese girl in 2020 or 2021 that told me that she wants to be married and have kids. BUT she wants to live alone since she still wants to sleep with many different men and while she is allowed to do that, she doesn't want her husband to be with other women.

It's things like this that really make me feel rather hopeless and frustrated. I mean, when has having your cake and eating it too become something we can actually do? Why would an adult even want such selfish things? 

It was always my dream to just find a nice, smart woman that is mature, caring and sincere, with the courage to actually take full emotional risk and make the same effort as I would. But it seems that even if I was a Prince Charming Billionaire, that would be a pipe dream. 

What exactly do women want? Why do they seem to want to throw away their best years working and fostering a different kind of dependence to money? If at least they saved this money to marry a nice man and start a family with him, I could understand it. But most women I know simply spend this money on themselves and pleasure and think they have infinite time to achieve their goals (if they know what those are). 

I really start to think women are their own worst enemy. They have been lead astray by neo feminism to believe that you can have it all or that men care about money and status (we don't, other women do!).

So people then say "well, be on your own, enjoy single life!"

But single life sucks! Single life seems to be something for perpetual teenagers with no moral compass and the maturity of a spoiled child! Nothing but fun and hedonism and instant gratification. What about those of us who simply don't enjoy such trivial pleasures? 

I simply don't see the "fun" in sleeping around with a bunch of random women or being some kind of party lion playboy type. I didn't even want that or enjoyed that when I was 20! Why would I enjoy it now?

How has our world become a place where everything seems to be offered only in easy mode and any challenge is "broken", since you can't take it on by yourself? 

Even if I could write the book on relationships and knew how to be the perfect boyfriend or husband, it wouldn't matter at all if my partner simply refuses to participate or act like a rational adult. 

I'm really at my wits end. I don't think there's much to look forward to, especially given the huge changes we will have to face in society, demographically or economically in the near future. I want to have MY TIME now! Some joy and togetherness, before we will all be FORCED to be permanently alone once everyone is an emotionally crippled dimwit who can't even communicate (and we're not far off). 

Is that so much to ask for?