I am confused where I keep going wrong in life and what I can and have to change. I know I am someone who seems to be too sensitive, who's constantly overthinking and who must seem quite negative. I don't know if there's much I can do about it though. How do I stop to think? How do I stop to feel? If I worry, is it with good reason or without?
I remember 17 years ago, I was having problems in one of my first relationships. The girl didn't seem to know what she wanted. One day, she seemed to love me, another day, she didn't. One day, she seemed to plan a future with me, another day, she didn't. I felt very stressed and it affected me at work and in my daily life, because I was thinking about this all day. I shared with some friends and they gave me advice. But because of what I still felt for her, I couldn't follow that advice (which was to leave her and focus on myself). So my friends got tired of listening to me complain. Back then, I couldn't always understand it, although sometimes I may have. But if it would be the same today, I think I would. Over the last 17 years, there have been occasions where I had problems that I shared. Some were about relationships, some about work, some about finances and some about just feeling depressed and unhappy.
Since I was a kid, I seem to suffer from depression, although it wasn't diagnosed until I was 17 or 18. And one part of depression is called anhedonia, the inability to feel joy. It also comes with a lack of motivation (it's somehow affected the cerebral cortex) and so far can't be cured.
Knowing this made me wonder how much I really can control this/my life and how much it's really just "luck". I have had friends who suddenly suffered a similar fate and they told me "I could never understand you, but now I can!". I felt bad for them that they had to go through this as well, but also a bit vindicated that maybe it wasn't just me being "lazy" or unwilling to do something.
I feel like I want to learn and get better. But my condition confuses me a lot. With anhedonia or depression, you no longer know when you're actually powerless of the feelings and thoughts you have and when you're in charge of them. So I often ask myself: Am I just lazy? Unwilling to change or learn? Or would anyone in my position be incapable of changing or feeling different too?
It might also be this time we live in. I seemed to be able to focus and concentrate better 15-20 years ago. Now, I am easily distracted and out of the many things I wish to do, I seem to only do a few or none. Maybe this is where I can and should start. I always thought that I had good self-control and discipline, but maybe I overestimated myself?
Also, what's the real reason I or anyone does or doesn't take advice? In some situations, it might be right not to take the advice (for example if the person giving it has never been in a situation like us or doesn't understand it). But in others? Is it egoism? Fear? Why did I not take the advice 2006/07 to leave my girlfriend for example? Would it have made my life worse? It seems the end result would have been the same.
I have always been a diligent person. I couldn't always make a choice quickly or easily, but if I did make a choice, I usually saw it through until the (sometimes bitter) end. Maybe that's why I couldn't take advice on relationships or investments or bad jobs? I didn't want to be marked a "quitter"?
And I do believe that people can change or better themselves. Yet, I seem to be a prime example that that's not actually the case :(.
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