Valentine's Day

Soon it's Valentine's Day again. Even though it's not a real holiday (the actual Saint was killed with arrows to the heart for trying to do missionary work if I am not mistaken), it makes me kind of sad because it reminds me of the current state of dating for myself and in the world.

For over 19 years, I have tried to find someone suitable to have a happy relationship with, but other than having some moments of fleeting happiness, I never found it. I only had one Valentine's Day when I was physically close to my partner and we had a big fight that day, so I never had a happy one. 

This year, it just reminds me of last year and the other Valentine's that sometimes seemed so full of hope and perspective, but ultimately just didn't amount to anything:(.

Then again, I wonder if it's better for others, like the women I dated. Did some of them have a romantic or happy Valentine's Day? If they did, how come they are alone again? If they lost that special person, doesn't such a day hurt them now? I guess not...

I seem to be pretty alone in feeling sad about the past and in remembering things so clearly. If people did something nice for me, I usually remember it forever, but this doesn't seem to be the case with women (at least those that I dated). 

I am confused what women actually want or desire. Women/modern young people seem to fear any kind of responsibility, so it doesn't make much sense to me that some of them are even looking for a relationship. It's like a fish, looking for a bicycle. He can't use it. And they couldn't be in a relationship. 

Maybe it's due to the way we are being raised these days. All of us have traumas and the parents of those children were probably often unfit. The kids might have an avoidant or disruptive attachment style, which means that they believe they want and are ready for a relationship, but they really fear the intimacy and vulnerability of it. 

This is tragic, because it puts everyone else at danger of getting hurt. 

I met my share of broken people (really, it seems to be the ONLY kind of women I can fall in love with) and it breaks my heart that I can't help them. Yet I don't seem to be interested in helping those that COULD be helped or saved:(. 

I don't know anymore...is true love something people still understand? That they are capable of? Ready for? Am I even ready for it? I feel like I am. But since I can't find or meet the right woman, I have become rather hopeless. In a way, I feel like St. Valentine, with arrows having pierced my heart 💔 💘 

Life is strange

Since I was 20 or before, I was looking for a serious relationship and a partner in life. For it to be realistic, I knew I needed enough money. So since 2007, I dabbled in the stock market (with horrible results at first, but then gradually improving).

By 2021, I finally learned and understood some key aspects of the market. 2024, I reached a milestone. Finally, after all those years, I was/am in a position where I could actually feed myself and a partner and support a life together just with the yield of my equity (basically the profit of my investment). 

Only that I have no partner! I tried to find one, but while almost all of them seemed to make money their #1 condition for their "love", many also didn't want to become "dependent".

At first, this makes some sense. It seems risky to be with someone who has financial control over you. 

On the other hand, what's work then? Any employer also has financial control over us and we are dependent on our job. We are also dependent on our landlord if we don't own property.

So we are basically very dependent, even if we don't know it. 

I kept thinking why it's so difficult to find a partner these days. Especially now that I have the means to support one financially, even allowing for us to not having to work. 

On paper, I now have many things women claim to want:

I am over 180cm

I am fit/slim

I don't smoke or drink

I am interested in marriage/a serious relationship 

I have a certain level of financial autarky, allowing for more personal freedom

I am not looking for a woman to pamper me or be a "maid"

And yet when I think about it and look at my experience, the things women claim to want and the things women actually do want don't seem to align. 

I actually encountered this independence crap a lot! I say crap, because I don't think anyone of us, man or woman is independent. Like I said, we depend on work, the economy, customers, society...many factors. 

Also, a relationship is supposed to be a partnership. Partners usually DEPEND on each other. When has being dependable actually become a bad thing?

And yet women seem to want a committed partner while maintaining a single lifestyle. I remember talking to a Chinese girl in 2020 or 2021 that told me that she wants to be married and have kids. BUT she wants to live alone since she still wants to sleep with many different men and while she is allowed to do that, she doesn't want her husband to be with other women.

It's things like this that really make me feel rather hopeless and frustrated. I mean, when has having your cake and eating it too become something we can actually do? Why would an adult even want such selfish things? 

It was always my dream to just find a nice, smart woman that is mature, caring and sincere, with the courage to actually take full emotional risk and make the same effort as I would. But it seems that even if I was a Prince Charming Billionaire, that would be a pipe dream. 

What exactly do women want? Why do they seem to want to throw away their best years working and fostering a different kind of dependence to money? If at least they saved this money to marry a nice man and start a family with him, I could understand it. But most women I know simply spend this money on themselves and pleasure and think they have infinite time to achieve their goals (if they know what those are). 

I really start to think women are their own worst enemy. They have been lead astray by neo feminism to believe that you can have it all or that men care about money and status (we don't, other women do!).

So people then say "well, be on your own, enjoy single life!"

But single life sucks! Single life seems to be something for perpetual teenagers with no moral compass and the maturity of a spoiled child! Nothing but fun and hedonism and instant gratification. What about those of us who simply don't enjoy such trivial pleasures? 

I simply don't see the "fun" in sleeping around with a bunch of random women or being some kind of party lion playboy type. I didn't even want that or enjoyed that when I was 20! Why would I enjoy it now?

How has our world become a place where everything seems to be offered only in easy mode and any challenge is "broken", since you can't take it on by yourself? 

Even if I could write the book on relationships and knew how to be the perfect boyfriend or husband, it wouldn't matter at all if my partner simply refuses to participate or act like a rational adult. 

I'm really at my wits end. I don't think there's much to look forward to, especially given the huge changes we will have to face in society, demographically or economically in the near future. I want to have MY TIME now! Some joy and togetherness, before we will all be FORCED to be permanently alone once everyone is an emotionally crippled dimwit who can't even communicate (and we're not far off). 

Is that so much to ask for?