The melancholy of love

Love. Relationships. Why is it so complicated? Why do people have to make it so complicated? That's something I never understood. 

If I have a relationship with someone, I try to accept this person for who they are. I will start to care about them and their well-being becomes a concern of mine. I will want to know if they're ok, what they're thinking and feeling and want to help them to feel safe, to feel trusted. And of course I hope that they feel the same feelings for me.

But in reality, it seems that I always fail at making my partner happy. The more I try to give or sacrifice, the less it seems to matter to them. The more it seems to be taken for granted. And I feel worried or even afraid that they will leave me. 

The sad thing is that I usually know or feel early on that this person won't fight for me/us. That they won't really care if it's all over. It's something I can't understand. Maybe because I am someone who learned to open up to people rather easily? I know from experience that most women are usually very insecure inside. They are terrified to be vulnerable, to open up or to let themselves fall in love. Or they think early on that they fall for someone, but that's just a juvenile, teenage sort of attraction, usually based on looks or some toxic understanding of love and desire. 

We all usually come with a lot of trauma, a lot of fear, a lot of uncertainties. More experience should make it easier for us to have a functioning relationship, but it seems it makes it harder. We have more things to fear maybe? 

It just seems unfair...you spend all this time to try to build something with someone. You are actually happy when you're together. You want to make plans for the future and be an adult. But you're always highly dependent on that other person and their volatility. 

Why can I just decide "I want to make this work with her", but the women can't? Is it my fault for expecting too much? Or do I just expect that they know their own traumas and weaknesses and acknowledge them? I know I do expect that women would be more rational about this. If we're 30, 35 or 40 and we never married, it seems clear that we are at least a part of the problem. It seems clear that we will NEVER succeed unless we change. And why not change with a partner? Instead of alone? 

Yes, we can move on. But it only means we're nomads of love. We never have a home, we never belong. Our heart is never safe, never arrives. We waste our life with fleeting moments of happiness, but it's like we are addicts of pain. We endure far more pain for those fleeting moments of happiness. And why? Because we can't take the risk? 

No relationship can work if both people don't make an equal effort, are equally self-aware and willing to fight. And I'm afraid many people either never realize that or just after it's already way too late...