Love = A bad investment?

What is love?

I used to think that love is a mutual, shared feeling. Like the feeling a parent feels for their child and the child reciprocates without condition.

Alas, after 34 years of life experience, I have to say that that's not the case. 

Love seems to be more like a childish game, involving a lot of one-sided, selfish demands. Things like wanting attention, acknowledgement, sex, financial or material support/reward.

Why is it like this? Has it always been this way? If yes, why is Hollywood and Co trying to tell us lies about a romantic love that is a really bad, one-sided risk?

These days, as a guy, what is it that we want?

Sex? 

Sure, some guys seem to live for just that. But that's not all of us. And even those who chase sex get lonely and want some constants. Guys are human too, we hope for company or someone who understands us and makes us feel wanted and appreciated.

So wouldn't it be fair if in return for providing that, a guy would receive that, without expiration date?

But women lose interest quickly and easily. Oddly enough, they don't like guys that don't pose a challenge. 

Sure, they might "love" a guy for some time. But that's until the novelty wears off and they stop "loving" him.

Personally, I don't think women can love men unconditionally. There might be very few exceptions who can, but those women in my opinion are women who think and feel like men. 

I can't speak for all men and I am not trying to say men are better (they aren't), but it's been proven scientifically that men suffer more(and longer) from break-ups or divorce. 

I never knew a man who cared about the social status, job or education of a girl. They just wanted either a pretty or a nice girl (or both). And they didn't care if the girl has money.

Now women...well, they do care. And they shouldn't. Why does it matter how much a guy earns or what his job or status is, if you love him as a person? And if not, would you like it if a guy loved you for your tits, your cash or your penthouse? And would dump you if you didn't have it?

Real intimacy and closeness happens if we make ourselves completely vulnerable, if we bare our soul to another person. Can you do that? Can you share every pro and con with someone else, trusting them not to judge or use it against you? If not, why?

I often heard from women they don't want to get hurt. Well, guess what, neither do men:). But if neither side is willing to take a risk, nothing will happen.

The number of women who are single or divorced in their 40s, 50s, 60s keeps rising. Men too. It seems that relationships are now simply seen like an investment:

With the least possible risk and effort, people want the highest yield. 

I blame this partially on instant gratification (google it if you don't know the term). People have been spoiled. Our grandparents didn't have all these options and choices, that's why their relationships lasted. Was it all perfect? No. Would they have broken up if they lived today? Most likely. 

But even all you people who are in relationships now or married and it's been 5 years or 10...are you sure it will last forever? I doubt it. One side (almost always the guy) has to make more compromises and eventually, that side will get tired of it(or the other side will). 

I do believe in men and women as yin and yang. As two halves, creating one complete whole. But it seems that's a pipe dream. You can call me bitter, misogynistic or nihilistic. But it's what I've seen and experienced countless times. And it sickens me. It's just so immature of us to let our patty insecurities and selfish emotions get the best of us and destroy our chance to find happiness WITH someone without the constant fear that they might leave us tomorrow, although we were married 47 years. 

Love is a feeling. But it can also be a choice. If you think you love someone, how can you feel like one day, you don't? That just means you never loved that person to begin with and lied to yourself. Or you still love them and are just too lazy or afraid to continue, because routine set in. But guess what... that routine... that's a sign of a good investment...

Sad Christmas

This is my first Christmas without visiting my grandparents at their own home. It doesn't really feel like Christmas at all :(. It's a very lonely, very depressing Christmas.

Growing up, I remember that when my parents still lived together, we celebrated Christmas as a family and with my parent's parents. As a young child, you are excited for Christmas and happy to have gifts, eat cookies or being able to watch good movies on tv.

But now as an adult and for the last couple of years, things have changed a lot. Christmas feels like just another day and I don't care about gifts or cookies. Streaming has killed tv and the abundance or oversupply of things to watch made me lose interest in watching things. Which is sad, because I watching movies like Home Alone or Die Hard as a family was always a tradition.

Maybe I feel unhappy because I feel this way in general lately. Maybe if I had a good partner to share my life with, I would feel happy or happier? That is my hope and wish at least. 

But I am also afraid. What if I would still feel depressed and sad if I had someone by my side? Is it just because I am alone and without a family? Or is it also how the world has changed?

A few weeks ago, I was still in Indonesia. I felt a stronger Christmas spirit there (which is ironic because there is no snow), but the country also has changed. 

10-15 years ago, I thought if I could move there,  life would be happier. But now and after living there 2018, I am not sure anymore. Probably because I am not sure what it really is that I/we(?) need to feel happy. Is happiness the company of others? Can we feel the same happiness people felt decades ago if we live a simple life with loved ones? Or have we as humans become so greedy and addicted to the internet, constant distractions and dopamine that happiness is just something we can't find anymore? 

I am starting to worry that it is the latter. I could do puzzles, play games, watch movies, travel...and yet I don't feel motivated to do anything these days. I just get up late in the morning and eat something and watch some tv while simultaneously playing puzzle games on my phone to pass the day, only to repeat that the next day. 

It's quite stupid, I think. I should use what little time I still have to spend with my grandparents and parents. Instead, I always seem to do nothing or wait for something (I don't know what) like for my real life to begin.

At least 20 years ago, I would keep myself busy by playing games, doing things with my family or brother or reading. Now I don't do much of that. Is it any wonder why I feel less happy?

I just wonder if other people feel the same way. Do they also feel bored? A lack of motivation? Do they feel life has become too easy and that because of that, life is now less joyful?

I really hope that I can spend my next Christmas with family and loved ones :(. I think we all should. I just wish I knew how to escape this feeling of hopelessness.

Women and paintings

Sometimes women ask me "what kind of woman do you like?" and I am never sure if they mean looks, personality or both.

For me, personality affects looks and vice versa. People who may be "pretty" by visual standards can still strike me as ugly if their attitude is awful and their behavior is assanine and selfish.

Most women seem to think that men like women, solely based on looks alone. I can't speak for all men, but that's not the case for me. 

When you go to malls, airports, any crowded place, you'll always see dozens or hundreds of women that attract your (visual) attention. But other than their look, what do we really know about them? 

Even if we meet a woman who is super pretty, given that there are millions like her, wouldn't we eventually get bored with that visual appearance?

When we buy art or a painting, we also do it for our visual pleasure. And although we may always appreciate the painting, we get used to it until we won't even notice it anymore.

I believe the same to be true for women. 

Just today at the airport, I easily saw 30-40 women that I'd find (sexually and visually) attractive. Obviously, even if we ignore that they'd all have to find me attractive too, what could I possibly do with all those women? Take them home, put them in our barn behind glass and store them like art? And even if I did or could, wouldn't I get "full" of looking at them the way I do with food?

Of course this is a constant battle between logical rationality and primal emotions like lust or desire, but I really think it's quite interesting how the changes on earth have intensified these emotions.

80 years ago, you wouldn't see so many women, ergo, you would never be so tempted. 

But now? You can easily "overeat" visually.

I do see some similarities to paintings. I bought maybe 2 dozen of them on my trip and it took me easily 1-2 hours to pick out all of them. I compared them by motive, quality of craft, etc. 

It's the same if I would be in a store for women (if that existed). I would compare them by hair, eyes, unique quirks like say a bump in the bone of her nose, etc. But it would literally be impossible for me to pick just one and say "this is my favorite". 

There are just so many aspects that make people unique. Looks can be one, but everyone has looks. Good looks, bad looks, average looks, but always looks. 

So looks can only hold my attention for a limited time. 

Yes, in times of those "swipe" apps, looks are usually the first impression, but they easily stop impressing me if the person underneath the look is not interesting or has a terrible attitude. 

It's the less tangible things that make me like someone or makes me want to know them well. Like when someone would have traits that seem to contradict each other at first, such as being a vegetarian, but enjoying hunting or being a wildly kinky person, but with very strict standards towards monogamy. 

So maybe it's good that women are not paintings. The paintings I bought in 2018 to sell are all still with me (except for a few I gave to family members as a gift) because I didn't want to sell them (at least not for the price I was being offered). They still give me joy when I look at them. 

Probably a barn full of women, kept as visual pleasure would no doubt do the same. But aside from the absurdity and impossibility of it, I think it would just be so much harder to even find the right kind of women that are both pleasing to the eye, but more importantly hold "long term" inner value. 

How dating changed (or has it?)

A few weeks ago, I was watching a movie from the early 00s. I was surprised to see how the male character and the female actually met at work, went out together, shared calls, etc.

Compared to today, they were very slow and actually got to know each other! Neither did they text or ask for their Instagram (also because it didn't exist) nor did they jump right into bed. I think even until the movie ended, it had been a few weeks and they had just held hands, kissed good night and MAYBE had sex after weeks or months.

It made me think how different dating is these days. I think my last date was in 2018(?) and we just went to the restaurant, talked and walked through the park. But now I feel like a dinosaur, compared to that. 

I am still used to times when you either met online and chatted or emailed for a while (and then met) or actually met in real life first (although I must admit, that rarely happened to me). 

I heard from friends that it's also REALLY difficult to meet someone these days. Either people ghost you quickly or they demand a lot or don't seem that interested and have a different priority.

I thought I should find out more, so I downloaded Bumble and Tinder (which I had already deleted in Germany, since you basically never get anywhere and women barely even talk or seem the least bit interested). 

And wouldn't you know, I did have 50+ matches already within a day (in Germany, I had maybe 10-20 in a year!). Almost all of them were Asian. One or two were Black/Caucasian.

The Caucasian, a Sheila from Australia who now lives in Singapore told me she is 45, divorced, kids. Her profile (if I remember correctly) said "looking for = not sure yet".

Now, I have a lot of red flags for dating. Being Caucasian is one of the first, but since I didn't actually plan to meet anyone or actually be with them, I pretended I was. 

Still, I thought: "What does this woman expect?"

We talked a bit about Singapore and how dating has changed. But after my last message in which I simply asked her what her impressions of the country were, she deleted me.

I really don't care, but it confirmed to me why I think dating Western people is pointless.

From a strictly rational point of view, I am a prize and she is not. She is too old to have kids(so I couldn't have a family with her). She already HAS kids (so it's basically guaranteed that she wouldn't ever actually love me, but just see me as a useful idiot while the kids always come first and I won't even be second). She is divorced (yeah, men can be jerks too, but 90% of all divorces are initiated by women, so it's quite likely that she is spoiled too).

Meanwhile, I am younger, probably have a few more years of looks in me (compared to hers which will just get worse) and I actually know what I want. She wrote she doesn't know yet, which to me means "I still want to fuck around, but it would be convenient to have a simp husband who is stupid enough to make my life easier while I cheat or chase other men".

Well, so much for her. The black lady lived in Bali. I thought she was on vacation, so after I knew she lives here, I asked her how she got her KITAS (Indonesian work and staying permit) and asked her in Indonesian what she hopes to find on Bumble. 

She wasn't amused that I used Indonesian. For me, I was actually doing it because I was pretty sure that like basically all foreigners here, she doesn't speak Indonesian, despite living here for quite some time. 

So, she deleted me too^^.

Those two incidents already showed me why I swore off white/foreign women since maybe 2004. They are almost exclusively spoiled and entitled bitches who want their cake and eat it too. They bring NOTHING to the table (a vagina doesn't count!), they think they ARE the table!

So let's move on to the Indonesians. 

As you may know or not, Bumble was (on paper at least) created so that women need to make the first step. A noble idea, right? Surely women, who constantly complain that men only say hi or how are you will be super creative when they write you? They are the gender that has the reputation to be great talkers.

Well...they are not! You're lucky if you actually get a hi or hey, some don't even say that, but send some totally random GIF. 

So yeah, if you start a conversation with me like that, for sure I won't try hard. So despite those 50+ matches, you quickly see that out of those 50, maybe 2-3 people actually are capable of having a conversation.

Sift out the hookers or ladyboys and there's really not much left.

There was one girl who seemed eager to actually meet. I said because I wait for my mom to come back from the spa, I can't come anywhere now, but she would be welcome to stop by here IF she is in the area anyway. I did not expect her to drive far or anything.

Sure enough, she was mad though, demanding effort. 

Sigh...girl, PAAAA-LEASEEE (rolleyes, gay catty attitude), I wasted so much money and time on making an effort. I flew around the world to meet perfect strangers, travelled in places I didn't know and where I couldn't speak the language. Why oh why should I make MORE of an effort than you to meet you? Are you the Empress of China? 

I really don't understand why most women seem to think they are special. I mean, I get why, society and men have spoiled women rotten, but I don't understand why at least some girls realise that and realise that always getting what we want actually makes us unhappy.

For sure this girl would be bored quickly and cheat or dump me if I made a lot of effort to court her. Heck, even with my own mom, I demand fairness and I am strict to her. So why the heck should I give more than 50%? Why should any men? 

Of course she deleted me right after, telling me how sexist and I evil and whatnot I am. But it didn't bother me. Even if this wasn't an experiment, I just don't see what the point of it all is. 

Women seem to think us guys just want sex and a pretty face.

Well, believe it or not, but even if I know a girl was willing, me as a man, I still get to refuse you! I still get to meet and say "sorry, your personality doesn't attract me", even if she is shocked I didn't like her huge cleavage pics or those weird pictures most girls have now where they seem to floss their vagina by pulling their bikini bottoms as high up their crack as possible. Gosh, just imagine if us guys posted pics where we pull up our speedos to the point we basically castrate ourselves and our balls plop out! Would girls find that sexy? If yes, I would be scared shitless of those girls!

On the plus side, I did find 2 friends I had lost contact with, so it wasn't a total bust. 

Still, I don't understand what the hell women expect these days. Most say they want nothing casual, but that's a total lie in half the cases. The girls who say "no one night stands" are usually the ones who want them the most.

And they assume WAY too much!

As Tony Randall puts it so eloquently, don't assume! It makes an ass out of u and me!

One other girl asked me to meet like 7 times over 2 weeks. I said ok, I asked where or what time. She NEVER replied, although she said she wants to meet. 

So I dared to question how serious she is. Despite knowing nothing about me, other than my looks, she said she likes me "so much" (yeah, right!).

So after she asked to meet 5 or 7 times, each time not answering or confirming, I said "kamu basa basi aja, harapan kosong aja, bukan serius" (basically like you just give false hope, empty promises, talk bullshit).

Oddly enough, THIS TIME she replied fast! She cursed me and said I would be "disgusting", just "wanting sex". 

Now, I never ever had mentioned anything about sex. In fact, I already had the impression from her photos (all in a bikini, big breasts, suggestive pictures) that she seemed easy and not serious. But because I don't want to assume only, I thought I will see if I am right or wrong.

Seeing how she said I would just want sex, I now think that it is actually her who usually has sex way too easily (and whether consciously or unconsciously, she posts such photos, knowing most men will see her as an easy lay) and that even a dull girl like her starts to understand that men only use her, because she just doesn't seem like the kind of girl you would want because she seems tainted or not serious. 

So I think that's why she projected her own insecurities and frustration on me, blaming me for just wanting sex, even though, again, as I mentioned, I never ever suggested that (and IF we would have met, I wouldn't touch a girl like her with a ten foot pole).

So yeah, I think dating these days is heavily influenced by many factors.

First of all, in times of Amazon or Tokopedia and Food delivery, people think dating should be as convenient as possible.

Just as with shopping before, where we actually had to go out to a store, compare items, etc, we used to do that for dates too. 

Now I feel if we had "GoFuck" or "PussyGrab", people wouldn't mind to order their fastfood boyfriend or girlfriend to their door. Why make ANY effort if efforts require...well, effort?

Maybe at this rate, we will soon have apps where you hit a botton and a drone flies in a vagina or penis, so people don't even have to leave their bed?

Other than convenience, I think the whole equality and neo feminism bullshit has ruined women. 

Women in my opinion NEVER were the victims. Sure, women had it harder in the past, but did the average guy back then have a good life?

A woman 3000 years ago was still valuable, because she could have kids. Empires needed kids to be soldiers or to bear them, so they had to give women some protection.

On the flipside, men always had to work hard or die in wars. When did women EVER have to do that? Why doesn't anyone mention that HUGE advantage?

For example, Bali is full of Russian and Ukrainian women right now. Why don't those lazy bitches fight for their respective country? Talk about being privileged!

So yeah, especially in the West, but also here, women just feel they are way too special. When being asked why they should be special, they usually say bullshit like "cos we must give birth, we must work too, etc".

Well, giving birth is a choice! No woman is being forced to have kids. So that's absolutely not anything that makes a woman special. And without a man, how can a woman even be pregnant;)?

And working? Well, women didn't have to work before when they had "no rights", so don't complain or make something sound like a chore if it is a "right" you fought for (but I know quite a few women who actually wouldn't mind to be kept and stay at women. But of course with none of the chores of a woman in the 1900s and ALL the privilege of a working woman).

I said it before, I say it again: our society and the majority of men who are just too naive and stupid have spoiled women rotten! If we don't force drastic consequences on women for lewd or bad behavior, of course they won't change! Women ever only behaved "fair" when they had to compete like men have to.

Why can a woman listen to her boss for example, but not her bf or husband? Because the boss can fire her or cut her salary, ergo, that's a consequence! A husband or bf can leave, but unlike finding a new job, finding a new bf is a matter of hours or less. For a new job, u also need credentials. If women had to tell a new bf about all her misbehaviour or cheating in advance, finding a new bf would be harder too.

For me, dating just has lost all its magic. It was special 20-30 years ago because we still treated it as something special.

Now, dating is dying and constantly changing. It's but a shadow of itself and I don't think it will improve any time soon. Things have to get far worse first. I hope it doesn't come to a complete segregation of the sexes, but rationally, I do think that neo feminism and government are pushing us toward that direction.

Turning 37

So I am 37 now. I don't like it, but I can't stop it.

Being yet another year older, I am thinking about (my) life and the world we live in.

Yesterday evening at the restaurant, but also previously at the various hotels we visited, I watched people around me. Most of them are glued to their smartphones, slave to the dopamine rush.

After I had to deal with depressions half of my life, I learned quite a bit about brain chemistry and how we basically function.

Since depression or it's worst form, anhedonia basically void you of any joy, you have to understand how our brain works.

If we eat, laugh, do enjoyable things (sex, games, music, movies, etc), our body releases dopamine. This hormone is then sent to our brain where dopamine receptors make us feel "happy".

Every drug and addiction in the world is based on it. Whether it's sex, trading stocks, gambling, shopping, those toxic social media apps or drugs and alcohol: All of them ruin our brain if we can't do it in moderation.

Given that most people these days use those utterly toxic and damaging apps such as Instagram or TikTok, it shouldn't be any surprise that people feel unhappier all the time.

Those apps send dopamine to your brain ALL - THE - TIME! The problem is that the receptoes can't handle so much. What happens? They grow! The exact same thing happens if you drink. Or if you gamble. Or if you use heroine. 

And while most people seem to understand that drugs are dangerous, nobody cares about how dangerous social media or free sex are. 

Social media lowers your attention span and makes you less capable of actually talking or making real connections with actual humans. Maybe you noticed how most people these days don't have much to say? Direct relation to that! Or maybe you noticed that people can't stay married or break up over any small stuff? Again, dopamine (or oxytocin).

Usually, if you have sex with a person, oxytocin (the love hormone) makes us feel like we bond with someone. This makes sense because sex wasn't invented for fun, but to make kids and kids need two parents.

Well, now that people have sex for fun and also never stay together (it's related), the same thing happens in the brain. After too much sex, a person (let's face it, it's almost only women, since 95% of men can't have sex whenever they want, while 99,99% of women can have sex whenever or wherever) can't pair bond anymore. Pair bonding is the ability to feel content and happy in a normal relationship.

After you fucked 50-300 men or had gang bangs every weekend, of course it seems "boring" to just have one person to sleep with for the rest of your life. The problem is that now those women (and the few men who can behave like women because 95% of women always chase them, even though many deny it or are unaware) feel unhappy eventually. This makes sense, because humans are social creatures. But again, if someone had too much sex, they would either have to detox themselves by not sleeping with anyone (or even dating) for 5 years or so (show me which woman would do that voluntarily!!!) or they will marry some dude they don't really love or care for (they can't, thanks to their sex drug abuse), while still being unhappy and still chasing that "dream bad guy" until they die. 

So yeah, there are many, many drugs these days. They all work the same, are simple to understand and explain and yet most of us keep using them (including me).

I remember though that after 30, I really grew weary of all this "having fun" or "dating". But since basically every woman these days is broken, where would I find a normal one? And if I did, am i actually normal enough? 

Since my last relationship ended in 2019, I didn't do the deed and yet I don't know if I detoxed enough. I still overuse my phone, I watch too many tv series or use sugar and sweet drinks or food as "drugs". Now those won't affect my pair bonding ability, but it can still affect how I date. If I can't learn to curb my use of those other drugs or to split them up in equal blocks (maybe more reading, less tv, less phone?), I might always be tempted to emotionally indulge in sleeping around or dating, even though rationally, I don't want any of that because I already KNOW that those things are boring, unhealthy and unfulfilling. 

Either way, I do feel getting older in this world sucks. I already am a rigid asshole, living by high standards or trying to and barely get it right (if I even do). So how could others with less will power? I fight a constant fight between what I think/know is right and what I feel in the moment. It's like I still worry to miss out on things, even though being here in Bali right now, I can remember well that when I had all those "options", I actually didn't use any of them. 

We all seem to worry we miss out on things or we compare ourselves to others. I feel I am in competition with everyone all the time and need to beat them or be better (although that seems like a primal and healthy instinct). But if I would say sleep with every woman I could sleep with, beat up every guy I can beat or date every girl I can date, it wouldn't help or improve me. It would just dig me in deeper into this ever deteriorating society we live in. And I can't be the only one who feels this world sucks now?

Decadence in the West

Last night I was in Kuta. Kuta is a town in Bali, full of...well, hedonists, I guess. It could have given Sodom and Gomorrah a run for it's money! You see drunk Aussies, cheap floozies (mostly Caucasian) in inappropriate dresses (not just too revealing, but they often don't have the figure for it) and it just seems like a place where 25+ year olds who behave like a bunch of overly hormonal teens misbehave.

It got me thinking: Compared to the 90s and 00s, this trend to more and more hedonism (hedonism is when basically all we do is just about our own joy and pleasure) is ruining our lives. 

Here in Bali, it has turned an area named Canggu (once rather quiet and peaceful) into a hellhole of IG-"models", "influencers" and other lazy bums and their rotten ilk! They usually have no visa, don't give a fuck about local customs or traditions (much less would they bother to learn the language) and just live a very decadent lifestyle of luxury compared to most locals. They rent big villas and hire locals as staff because they can. 

20-30 years ago, I don't think this would have been possible. At least where I live, parents wouldn't have spoiled their kids like that. And women couldn't make a living, just by having a cooter (vajayjay) and showing it online or something. 

It just makes me angry to see these spoiled, arrogant neo colonial jerks strutting around here without a care in the world. Aren't rules there for a reason? Shouldn't we all have to follow them?

I don't want the whole world to turn into a place where spoiled brats with money (money they normally shouldn't have, because it didn't require any real effort) can indulge in nothing but cheap sex, drugs and alcohol. 

For one, too much casual sex will harm us all. As it is, 99% of Western women seem pretty much undatable (much less are they marriage material) and I wouldn't touch them with a 10-foot-pole. But it's also infecting Asia. The place where people still have SOME family value and some tradition. But that seems to vanish quickly too, as I noticed a bunch of girls in front of the "Mr and Mrs Dick" erotic bakery, their eyes glued to their phones while eating penis goreng or something (fried penis). 

Everyone talks about how they wanna save the planet. But for who? Those people? I'd say let them all go to heck! I respect decent, sincere people. Even when I had my "wild" times, I never acted that way, nor could I imagine doing that. And even though by mere sight, some of them are attractive to my primal "urges", I absolutely can't imagine to share any phrases with them, for I am sure we are SO not on the same page. 

How will this all end? Sexual segregation? Robots do all our tasks while we drool and are hooked on drugs? 

Human beings NEED a challenge! Eliminating challenges and making life too easy and convenient is NOT good for us, it ultimately makes us unhappy.

But of course THOSE brats won't learn that if there aren't some severe consequences to their lewd behavior...

Traveling with your mother (part 1)

Since last week, I am in Indonesia with my mother. We had planned this trip since 2012, but weren't able to go up until now. I wanted to show her Indonesia, hoping that maybe she would enjoy it as much as I do and that it might help her change some of her flaws, such as impatience, negativity, etc. 

Maybe I expected too much for a first trip though: Although I tried to make everything as perfect as possible, the complaints started early on: Travelling is too "rushed" and complicated, there is no time for bathroom breaks (although I told her dozens of times to go on the plane, she didn't go once on a 12 hour flight just to almost make us miss the connecting flight in Kuala Lumpur and earlier in Amsterdam), food is too cold, too spicy, the breakfast is too limited or foreign, the beggars annoy her (me too, but I bet every Indonesian feels the same?) and so on and so forth. 

It didn't help that apparently you can't use any non-Indonesian phones in Indonesia. Or you have to have your IMEI registered. Since I didn't know that and nobody seems to inform you, I had to buy a phone, just to use for the time being here. My mom simply can't or doesn't want to understand that it's not my fault or that the SIM cards aren't broken, but that it's a protectionist movement by the government that can't be changed. 

I was worried that some of this might happen, because my mom - sorry to say - is pretty incapable of doing many things that should be simple, even back at home in Germany. She can't go to the bank to get a new debit card, she can't or doesn't want to find her old one, she can't watch videos on YouTube in order to learn how to use Amazon or eBay, she doesn't know how to update or use most of her computer. And yet she is quick to assume and judge others and put blame on them or things without knowing the half of it. 

I really hoped that her tendency to be so negative about things would change, that she can see the positive in everything. 

For example, she seems to think basically everyone here is poor, that every female friends I have just want to marry me, that every person has a personal vendetta against her. Maybe I can't understand that because I have never been THAT negative and more logical/less emotional, especially after my first couple of visits to Indonesia and later Japan or Singapore. But I surely didn't think I would disagree with her so much or sometimes feel happy people can't understand what she actually says or thinks. And she seems to blame me for wanting to be on my own or with friends sometimes, although she had told me she is an adult and she can keep herself busy (this already lead to some arguments or "hurt feelings" with friends). 

We're currently on our way to Bali. I hope it'll be better there, because it's less crowded and leaving your mom at the beach for 8 hours, 5 mins from your hotel isn't the same as leaving her in some mall or at the hotel all day. 

I do feel like I am the parent, only with the added disadvantage of having a "child" you can't teach anything new out of sheer ignorance or unwillingness (ironically the exact things she ALWAYS blamed my grandma for who at least had us give her a Nintendo for her 60th birthday or tried inline skating and other new things). 

I love my mom, despite a lot of the crappy things she did or how unfair she has been sometimes, but I really wonder if this trip will bring us closer together or further apart...

Tbc

Nostalgias

After my mom and dad divorced in 1990, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents if I wasn't with my mom. It wasn't until I was 8 or 9 that I got to see my dad more than a few times per year (or at least it felt that way), but I still remember some of it. Like how he gave me a Playmobil Truck, a crane, a Lego truck that I built at my grandparents New Year's Eve party in 1992(?)...

And a lot of my memories of my father or grandparents somehow seem to be linked to movies. 

Crocodile Dundee always reminds me of my grandpa, because we used to watch them together. The James Bond movies on the other hand remind me of my father, because I got to watch them on video (kids, google it!) when I was actually too young for it.

My mom wouldn't even let me watch harmless movies (I never saw Edward Scissorhands!) and sometimes I think that that's why I became such a huge fan of movies. To me, they represent windows into a time that's already gone now, a "better" time.

Now, every generation seems to have this feeling. Just go to YouTube and check some songs from some era and people will say "this was real music, our era was the best, it will never be the same". And they aren't wrong. It's normal that we feel this way as we grow older. I guess it's because getting older is still something we are not always fully aware of or that's difficult to understand.

So having movies or music or books or pictures that help us to remind these times seems like a nice thing to me :). 

My "poison" are mostly 80s movies, although I also enjoy anything from the 60s to 10s. 

Looking at those times (I was born 85 and turned 5 just as 1990 ended), I obviously don't have many real memories about it, but I still have this yearning and wish I could live in that time. Life seemed slower and less convenient, yet it also had some new things that seemed groundbreaking then.

My favourite James Bond movies came out in 1987 and 1989 respectively and especially with the latter, I have great memories of the day I first saw it. Even my dad remembers that I told him that this was "the best day of my life".

Back then, he had picked me up after school and we went to Stuttgart (until 2010, going to Stuttgart, the biggest city of my area always was like a small adventure) for some window-shopping. I still remember how happy I was in those electronic stores that sold things such as VHS tapes, PC Games, had Super Nintendo sets to play and of course CDs. 

We also ate at McDonalds or one of those places that can make your day when you're still a kid and happy so easily. 

In one of the department stores, I got one of those free magazines Nintendo used to release and that was great too!

After our shopping trip, I got to watch "Licence to Kill" for the first time (rated 16 or above!) anr I loved it! Truth be told, I am not even sure if it IS the best Bond or it is just the nostalgia, but the opening and end music always make me feel quite melancholic and sad.

To top it off, I got to sleep at grandma's place that day, so yeah, it was a really amazing day and I happily read my Nintendo magazine while we all ate dinner together and was daydreaming about all the games I wanted one day. 

Now that I think of it, we did that a lot back then (or at least I did): read some PC or game magazine or even a Lego catalog and we dreamt of how much fun it would be to play with it. We call that Vorfreude in German, the joy or happiness before something. 

Nowadays, we can get pretty much everything we want at almost any time and it has made so much less special:(. I mean, even back into the late 90s, you had to wait 6-12 months to rent a video (or dvd if you could afford a player, which cost like 2000$ then) of a movie that was just in the cinema. And my dad had MANY videos, so I loved visiting and watching them.

Every Friday and Saturday, we would watch movies (mostly 80s and 90s) and dad usually fell asleep when the second started after drinking too much strawberry bubbly and eating peanut flips 🤣.

So maybe this is also where I became kind of an insomniac? 

Still, I do miss this time and the feelings that came with it. It felt like family and it probably made many of those movies we saw much, much better in our mind than they are. 

I mean movies like "Baby's Big Day" or "Romancing the Stone" aren't exactly Oscar winners, but boy, can I still remember the previews or even some of the commercials from 27-30 years ago...

Do you feel this way too sometimes? If yes, about what? In which decade would you want to live and why?

Being an adult

Do you remember when we were young teens in the 90s? How we had our own first room, our toy boxes, teddy bears, Super Nintendo? How we slowly felt embarrassed by some of it because we felt it's for kids and felt proud to have our first adult items like a stereo system, a TV or even a DVD player or PC? 

Earlier, I was cleaning "my" apartment, which is actually my father's old apartment on the ground floor of our house. 

Since I had to move from the room I had upstairs in 2018, I tried to make it "my place" step by step. 

It reminded me of how things change and don't change as we grow up. Now I still am somewhere between messy and neat (order in chaos?), but the feeling to want to make a place your own as a status or so that it represents you is still the same. 

And this is just one of the things I feel we experience as teens, but also adults. I am almost 37 now, but I still feel like 20something at best. 

Now that I prepared our entire trip to Indonesia for my mother and me and have helped my father through his lonely days after his wife cheated and divorced him, I sometimes feel like it's me who slowly has to be the parent as both of them can act childish at times. 

So what actually makes us an adult? It seems society feels you are one if you have a place of residence and maybe a job. It still doesn't seem to matter that (at least in my opinion), an adult should be mature and wise. And by that, I mean responsible, levelheaded, able to control our emotions and to having integrity and not just givig in to any temptation or taking the easy way. 

Too many people these days seem to be hypocrites who expect others to be that way while they themselves keep cutting corners.

And didn't we hate such kids when we were kids?

Woaw(?) we're going to Jakarta

After years of planning, my mom and me will finally visit Indonesia together one week from today. We have had plans since 2012, but only now can we finally realize them. 

I should be happy and excited that I can finally show my mother Indonesia, a country I grew to love. But somehow, it feels different this time. 

Maybe it's because of all the changes that have happened over the last 16 years? When I first visited Jakarta in 2006, I just loved how it was a country where people would still socialize and talk to each other and you could see culture and traditions. Another big plus was that smartphones didn't exist yet (I think Yahoo Messenger just became a thing?) and it was so good to be offline for a while.

And although I can still choose to be offline, most people these days aren't. There aren't ojek (motorcycle taxis) in the traditional sense anymore. In the past, you had to find them and haggle about the price. Thanks to "apps", you can just order them now to any place amd although that's convenient, it also makes everything less special

 

In 2006 on my very first visit, I stayed in 'Permata Hijau' (Green Pearl) in a guesthouse owned by a professor in his late 60s (?) and we talked about his country. He had been around for the time of Indonesian Independence and he already warned me/prophesied that Indonesia is changing and not for the better.

At that time, I didn't know the country well yet, but even then a part of me agreed with him. I was never a big fan of fast change. 

See, it used to take 20-30 years or more for society to change drastically. Like when we invented electricity, when we had light, tv, radio, etc. But people had time to adjust.

Now things seem to change every 2-4 years and maybe every decade a decade ago. Where will this end? 

In 2006, I was just amazed by the huge shopping malls (we don't have that in Germany), the streetfood, the traffic, the skyscrapers and the examples of tradition existing right next to modernity. 

That has changed on every subsequent visit and I think it might be why I hear from more and more Indonesian friends how unhappy they have become. 

Gone are the days when colorful ladyboys would loiter at traffic lights, begging for some spare change, of street kids doing the same, of teens hanging out in malls in lieu of the internet. Gone are the days when a simple taxi ride felt like an adventure and the mere smell of the warm air inside the airport made my knees buckle in anticipation. 

Even flying has become more like taking the bus after 400-500,000km. 

Not all of this is the case for Indonesia only, but I think it's why I don't feel as excited and yet very anxious. 

I was hoping to piggyback on the excitement of my mom, being there for the first time (can anything beat a first visit to a new place?), but I am not so sure anymore if I can emulate that through her :(. 

Jonesy

Have you ever seen the movie "Alien" or "Aliens"? In said movie, Ellen Ripley is captain on a space freighter that follows up on a distress beacon signal on some planetoid and has their ship infected with an Alien. 

On the ship, there is also a cat named Jones or Jonesy, as the crew likes to call him.

He and Ripley are the sole survivors of the first movie and he can be seen again in the second movie.

Why I ask this? Well, in early 2022, I met a red cat that looked just like him near my neighbors yard. I thought he belongs to her, but she told me he doesn't, he just likes to come to her house and that the real owner doesn't seem to care that much about him.

He is a very, very affectionate (male) cat who just seems to be like me and doesn't like to be lonely and loves to cuddle. 

After seeing him a couple of times and even inviting him in my apartment once in early 2022, I didn't see him for a couple of months in until late September. Since then, I ran into him more often again and his stays became longer and longer. I liked having him there because it always feels good to have company, even feline. 

But as his stays become longer and longer and he often sleeps there, I also worry how to feed him or where he can do his "business". 

One could argue that he only visits me because I started to feed him, but I actually don't have much cat food to give and he stays, even if I refuse to feed him or have nothing (although I always feel sad if he meows sadly, he surely knows how to push my buttons). 

Since I will fly to Indonesia with my mother in 8 days, I wonder if he will be ok while we are gone. I noticed he seems to sit under my father's car or spend his night in our yard if I didn't find him before going to sleep. And I wouldn't want him to freeze or suffer because of me :(. 

He truly is a good and kind cat who just seems to need a lot of TLC, just like most of us...maybe that's why he is special to me?

Dreams

Two nights ago, I dreamt of my school times. 

I failed to pass 11th grade, which ultimately didn't allow me to study and my dreams often revolve around that final year. I have to repeat the class, but either I fail each time or I don't even get to see a report card and thus don't even know if I passed or failed. 

So this dream was similar. I got to see former classmates and felt very disappointed that the two or three guys who were my friends back then all didn't seem to consider me as a friend at all. One of them left me standing to go swimming at the Freibad (a communal pool), the other just spent time with me or even acknowledged me if no one else was around. Only the third (who in real life had moved back to a city near Berlin) seemed to be loyal. 

This depressed me deeply in my dream and I felt really, really depressed and also sort of clingy to the one remaining friend. 

I also dreamt of Martina, a girl I didn't have much to do with, other than a few chit chats here and there. In real life, I found out 2013 or 2014 that she had committed suicide, apparently over a mix of depression and love sickness. And although we weren't close in real life, I always felt she seemed like a very nice girl actually. In my dream, I somehow approached her parents for some kind of closure, which seemed odd/inappropriate to me, even in my dream.

I do have to say that my dreams often seem very layered. Seemingly weeks, months or even years seem to pass in the few hours I actually dream and my feelings are therefore enhanced and increased. That's obviously not always good, especially if it's negative emotions.

I also start to feel very confused at times, because I am always fully or at least partially aware at some point that I am dreaming and don't always know if my "memories" were other dreams I remember within my dream or if this actually happened in real life. It also doesn't help that I re-use the same "stages", which are an enhanced and larger version of my real school (but 5-10 times the size, including some Olympic-sized swimming pools and huge shower and locker systems) or hometown (which was inhabited by ~11000 People back then, but easily has 10 times as many inhabitants in my dream). 

I often wonder what my dreams mean and why I often seem to use former class mates as avatars or actors in them when in real life, I am actually no longer in touch with any of them. 

I guess they are merely symbols for something, such as a romantic partner/perfect love/a good friend.

It is odd though that I hardly do seem to dream of people I actually do know, spent time with or met.

Some of those dreams also involve severe sexuality, yet no matter how intense or degrading it seems (good that some feminists can't see them), there is always a feeling of pureness and sincerity absout them. 

So I already learned not to take my dreams at face value. 

E.g., many dreams involve train stations or airports. Sometimes a lot of toilets or elevators. Many times, I also dream I have to pack my luggage (with odd things like steel beams, toasters or book collection, stuff nobody would take on a vacation and whose only purpose seems to be to make sure I will be late). 

I don't think dreams about toilets for example mean that I have to pee. I did read that it's about "overflowing problems/stress" or that dreams about flying actually have a sexual meaning (I just feel freaked out my teeth just fall out!).

So what do our dreams actually mean? Or do we need to even know? Maybe dreams are just a way for us to cope with emotions we suppressed? 

Getting older

Today I visited my grandparents who are living in a nursing home since late July. Their physical, but especially their mental state has quickly deteriorated for the last 6 months.

We didn't want them to be at this home, but my aunt pushed for it and sabotaged our attempt at getting them a housekeeper/nurse, so they could have stayed at their apartment. In fact, they now will lose their apartment and the money from the sale will barely cover the cost for 3-4 years of said nursing home. 

My brother told me that he doesn't want to visit them anymore because "those aren't my grandparents anymore".

I do understand that it's hard to see two people you knew in a different state now being like Guy Pearce's character in "Memento", forgetting everything you talked about quickly. But I also think ignoring them or pretending old age doesn't exist is the wrong way.

My mother was taking my grandma to the cemetery to put down flowers on her (my grandma's) brother's grave. So I was alone with my grandpa who seems really confused these days and also can barely walk anymore. 

I was setting up their tv that my aunt had messed up somehow, so they can at least watch tv again. Although I think it must be difficult to watch tv if you already forgot what happened after 3-5 minutes. 

I was having a half day internship at a nursing home 2020 and it opened my eyes to some of this. It's why I think you can't start early enough to look after your health! Too much salty food, fat, sugar etc and we'll pay a high price when we're older. It must be hell to be caught inside your body, just being able to sit around, waiting for death:(. It's definitely something I want to avoid. 

My grandparents don't even know that they'll never go home. They still believe that "tomorrow", they go home, but tomorrow never comes. 

I was wondering why we don't take care of our Elder at home like we used to. Maybe it's the low rate of home owners (Germany has one of the lowest rate in the world), so people don't have the space? And of course it isn't easy, especially with dementia. But I hope I can take care of my family as long as possible. I think it's mutually beneficial.

Halloween 🎃

Today is/was Halloween. Here in Germany, we never celebrated that (we celebrate the first of November as All Saints Day) since it's Irish, so it's not like a real holiday. But over the last 10 years or so, more and more people and especially children started to celebrate it or got dressed up for it and of course like to ask for candy. 

Since we don't celebrate it, I actually forgot when it is. So I was a bit surprised when I was working around 6pm and it suddenly knocked on my door. I opened it and saw a monster with a green face and a girl(?), asking me "Süsses oder Saures" which literally means "something sweet or (we give you) something sour", aka trick or treat. 

With maybe half the Halloween crowd in my town being ethnical Americans (we live near some US barracks), I replied in English, which confused them a little. One of them said something like "was that English?" to the other, but by that time, I already understood what was going on. 

Since I had no candy handy (hey, that rhymes!), i ventured into the kitchen. In my closet, I just had a ton of oat meal and some gummy bears with cake flavor, but I'd either have to give the whole bag to two kids (a bit hard to share) or give each of them some measely single gummy bears without a bag.

So I checked my fridge, but other than the peach yoghurt that expired a month ago (aren't I such a single guy cliche?), I only saw some Foccacia bread and flavored milk.

Finally, I decided to give/offer them my last two white chocolate raspberry energy bars (I love them, but always feel like a fattie after eating them^^) and to my surprise, not only did they know them, but they also seemed really thrilled about their "haul". I was happy I could make them happy and we exchanged some words. Before I could close the door, they asked me if I/we have a cat. I saw it's Jonesy (the cat I adopted) and said yes and called him by the name I gave him (god knows what his real name is) and they said it's a cute name.

After that, I continued to work, but because Jonesy was there, I decided to cuddle with him first. While we both lay on the couch, the doorbell rang, spooking Jonesy. It reminded me that Halloween wasn't over yet. But since I had no more candy, I honestly didn't know what to do, other than hide. 

After 2-3 visitors over the next 2 hours, the knocking and doorbells stopped. But as the evening progressed, I started to think more and more about it and how stupid and guilty I feel now.

I mean, I am so used to my solitary life that I actually hate that I gave away a chance to socialize a bit with kids (which I like anyways because they usually still have manners and are polite) and that I automatically seem to assume the worst about others. 

I thought if I opened the door and told them I have no candy, they'd be mad or something and it's better to pretend nobody is home. But I shouldn't assume. Even if they were mad or something, wouldn't it make for a good story?

And wasn't that first encounter of the evening a pleasant surprise? 

I have noticed this about me in the last 3-4 years. I seem to have become such a negative and judgemental person, very anti-social and misanthropic. But I actually like people. It's just a certain group of hedonistic hypocrites I can't stand. Yet most people aren't like that. 

I really hope that as much as I feel sad and ashamed about my behavior today, I can learn a valuable and lasting lesson from all of this. And treat people better and give them the benefit of the doubt. After all, that's what I often wish people gave me...

PS: Damn, I just remember, I had 2 Snicker Bars in the vegetable crisper!

The days of yesteryear

Today I thought about how much times or I have changed. It's not that long ago that I was only 4 or 5 and I was super happy when I received a Hörspielkassette (kind of like an audiobook for kids on tape) for my 5th(?) birthday. The cassette had the same number as my age, so I remember it well. It was a Benjamin Blümchen story (about a talking elephant) where he left his zoo and went to Africa with his young human friend Otto. I listened to it over and over again and had breakfast with my grandparents (they had bought it for me). Basically, I was just super happy with it and I always enjoyed being with them. 

I'd usually eat breakfast in the room where they also had dinner (it was the kid's room previously) or sometimes we had on a little pull-out table in the kitchen. Many times, it was toast and because the toaster was already a bit old, my grandma would scratch off the dark bits and usually put creamy cheese on it. Sometimes jam. 

It's weird for me to think that my grandparents must have been in their late 50s then, because I am not that far off anymore. I spent a lot of time with them because my mom had to work and I would usually go there after kindergarten or school. Until I was 10 or 11, we lived close to them too, so my mom would let me stay there as she had to go to work. 

If we didn't have breakfast or lunch or dinner, I'd draw (my grandma still has those drawings, it seems I drew a lot of war stuff) or watch whatever cartoon was on tv or play outside with the other kids.

That seems so different to how kids must grow up today with smartphones and YouTube and everything. We had none of it and I miss it:(. Sometimes I'd join my grandpa to walk to the nearby farm through the dark to get some milk in a can he brought and we'd have fresh cocao with fresh milk and watch some tv series or something (although we rarely were allowed to eat in the living room).

Basically, many, many things that I take for granted now and that aren't that special anymore were back then, simply because they were treated as special occasions.

I also remember reading A LOT! Since we learned how to read in 1st grade and I had my first library card, I must have read 100-200 books per year easily. I wasn't picky either, I'd read pretty much anything! Comics, books for girls, books for kids, even some books for adults. I guess it was my way of escapism, for I already seemed to feel a certain depression at a young age (my grandma said I once asked her why I can't die/why I am alive and I was only 5 years old). 

I remember that in those days, my mom would take me to see her friends and their kids a lot. Many of them, I lost touch with decades ago or can't even remember. But I think it was very important to be around other children in those formative years. Even though I would read a lot later on, I would also do things you don't even see in movies anymore, like sack races, playing hide and seek or being on playgrounds. I also recall that we didn't care at all about race or gender or disabilities. I seem to have been friends with a little Turkish girl who gifted me a necklace with a gods eye. If I think about it now, it's really sweet and I wonder what happened to that necklace. 

I also recall having a ring with a dolphin that I really treasured, but I lost it in 1996 on our trip to Austria in a public bath or it broke or something and I was devastated:(.

I mention all these things because I feel that everyday life back then and now couldn't be more different. And I am not sure why. Is it just the changes in technology? Is it because I am older, so my interests changed? Did I become a victim of instant gratification? I mean, back then we couldn't choose what movies to watch or what shows. You'd watch whatever was on, WHEN it was on. And we didn't get to or want to watch that much tv anyways. We'd play outside or inside, with or without toys, Nintendo or boardgames...there was a variety and I think we were happier for it. 

I mean, I do recall that I sometimes watched a movie while playing with my Gameboy at the same time. But is that the same as playing with our phone? Gameboys had no internet! 

I just wonder if there's a way I can feel like that child again. And at the same time, I wonder if I actually glorify the past and if it wasn't all THAT happy and just seems happy through rose colored lenses because it's in the past now?