What's the point?

Lately, I have started to wonder if there's a point to most things. 

Since I was a small boy, I feel like I never wanted to be rich like those obnoxious people on tv. I never cared about being some powerful boss and having a "great" career. As a child of divorce, I think I always saw love as the best goal to have in life.

But I think men and women don't really match for love, at least my idea of love. 

To me, being in love and having a partner is about sharing and caring. You find a person that is so special to you for a number of reasons that no other person can give you such a secure feeling. A person that you can share everything with, who also shares everything with you, be it situations, thoughts or feelings.

I was told that women were the mature gender, the gender that likes to talk and express how they feel. Well, I think that's all a bunch of hogwash!

For 17 years, I tried to find a partner. Now of course I have my own flaws and everything, but there are a few things I noticed in all the women. 

1. They don't communicate well:

Even though they are supposed to be good at it, most women don't seem to know how to make conversation. They also don't seem to have manners in some cases, especially since we have instant messaging. Many is the times that women simply didn't reply, even though they read my questions. And it is one thing if someone you don't know does that, but someone who claims to be your friend or partner? Basically, it's a sign that they don't respect you or put themselves in your shoes. 

2. They always have back-ups:

Despite all the talk of equality, women seem to find it sexist and unfair to make the same effort. Even if they found a partner, they always have a whole group of back-ups they keep around as life boats. Not only is that unfair and evil, it's also a good way to make sure any relationship they are in can't work (and they are the reason for it). It's as if you try to stop smoking, but you make sure you sit inside a smoky bar with 2000 cigarettes in front of you. Which brings us to:

3. They have no integrity or will power:

Very few women have discipline or the power to say no. They always seem to succumb to any temptation they're presented with. Whether that's food, smoking, men... usually their excuse is "I am a woman, I got emotional".

By that logic, should I say "it's fine I shot that man or woman, I am a man, I am violent" or something? Should be...

I just don't really see how relationships can work. Of course most men are just the same and this isn't about saying "one gender is better". They both suck.

But I don't know, the kind of love I expect seems to be way too much to ask for. The best you can get these days is to meet someone, fall right into bed, mistake the hormones that come with that and the superficial looks for love and act surprised why a few months later, your mismatched relationship didn't work. And of course they won't blame themselves, but other people. 

Society keeps changing in negative ways and I think that's a big part of it. Without negative consequences as a deterrent, people will just continue to behave in such selfish ways. 

What would be better is if we severly punished cheating (regardless of the gender or financial status) and rewarded loyalty and piety. But of course then a lot of people would actually have to use discipline and in our times of instant gratification, people aren't WILLING to do that.

Yet that's ironically exactly why we are unhappier every year.

A few years ago, the biggest killers for mankind were heart disease and a few others and depression was #5. Now, depression is already #2 and in countries like Japan, most people already gave up on love completely. People there only marry for companionship (like a friend who then becomes like a room mate) or don't marry at all. And suicide rates are sky-high. 

Just a few days ago, I read that oved ⅔ of men in Western countries are single and sexless. Women of course are not (no wonder, if you have no morals and more than one candidate), but 50% of them are also said to be perma single by 2030. 

Especially women often claim they don't care, they enjoy being "alone", although in my experience, alone to them usually means they still have lots of friends, colleagues, pets, family, etc. That's NOT being alone! Being alone means you are really all alone, no one around. 

I don't know, maybe I need to learn to enjoy those superficial, hollow shadows of "love". But I feel like I can't. I simply find it utterly boring and unfulfilling to have sex with strangers or to kiss a hundred women I don't give a rat's ass about. 

A day with depression

I wake up around 8 because Jonesy wants food. After giving him some, I go back to bed because it's still 2 hours until my alarm rings. I seem to feel ok, probably just sleepy.
I wake up again around the time the alarm rings, but still feel sleepy because of the Melatonin spray. I check if any work is online already, but there is none, so I re-set my alarm to noon. Around noon, there still isn't any work, so I go back to sleep or maybe I simply missed the alarm? Anyways, when I wake up again, it's already 3:30pm. I feel ok, other than having missed the day. As usual, one of the first things I do is to check my phone for messages and update my email (chasing for a simple dose of dopamine?). Jonesy comes to the bedroom and cozies up on the sheep fur rug near my bed.  Jones then complains about hunger again, but I see that he already had 1 and a half whole portions of cat food, so I know it's not real hunger.
I wash my sweet potatoes that I have to cook today (my sour cream is about to expire), poke some holes in them and put them in the oven. I wash my hair and with the towel still on my head, I take out some garbage to the trash can. Jonesy follows me and I walk around with him, wondering how a cat feels all day and if he ever feels depressed. In front of the house, my dad is talking to a neighbor and an old ftiend. I stick around a little longer than I actually have to (probably missing having any kind of social interaction with someone who isn't an intermediate family member) before heading back inside.

While I wait for the potatoes, I start to watch the remainder of "The War Between Men and Women". But as usual, I am not very good at focusing on anything on the screen. I reply to messages on Whatsapp while watching, talking to my friend. Our conversation makes me smile and feel better a bit (at this point, although I seem to feel ok, the cloud of depression seems to hang above my head already). But I also feel sad because I am still sitting there alone.

After the movie is over (for a comedy, it was actually a bit depressing), I start to watch Southpark. Now my mood seems to be dropping already, because I can't really focus at all and I seem to wait for the episode to end, only to watch yet another. I also finish my Pepsi Max Lemon and after 2 episodes, I drink my self made Jasmine milk tea. This is supposedly the highlight of my day, but I can feel that it's not working. Even though I actually laugh a few times, I feel lonely and empty inside, asking myself if there's even a point to continue to watch if I can't feel sincere joy?
If my mood started at a solid 7, it's now closer to a 3. I switch off my tv and try to focus on cuddling with Jonesy, but I can't stop to feel like I am lying to myself.

Instead of doing anything productive, everything I do and did so far just seems utterly pointless. Watching a movie didn't do much for me. Eating? It didn't taste as good as it should. Same for my drink. And although a puzzle usually helps me to focus, this time I seemed to switch between puzzle, tv and phone.

Now I decided to go for a walk in the dark to get some exercise because I do feel it sometimes helps a little bit. And I wonder if I feel more depressed if I didn't get to leave the house all day.

I really often wonder how other people live and survive. Why don't they go through those emotional rollercoasters all day? Or do they? Am I just super weak and can't see any purpose in my life? Or am I actually super strong and anyone in my position would have long killed themselves?

Now I am almost back home, although I don't have much to look forward to. I'll probably go upstairs to my father to talk and feel less lonely before I ultimately have to go downstairs again. Then I will probably watch more movies or shows in the hope that I can enjoy it this time (because only if you enjoy something, it can distract you) and play the same game I played for months, although I have tons of other games I never even started. But I don't know if that's because I worry I woulf waste a good game on a bad mood or if I just can't seem to start new things easily.
After that, I will go to bed eventually, telling myself I would read, but as usual, I will probably browse mindlessly on my phone and watch something again before going to sleep and repeating it all.

And even if I have work tomorrow, what's it really like? Basically not that different: me, staring at a screen while watching/listening to a movie or show, doing my job until it's done, then eating something and watching more stuff before playing the mindless game or puzzling again? And depending on how well I feel, it will be somewhat satisfying or pointless?
Is this my life forever? I just don't see the point to it :(.