The paradox of happiness and love

Why do people make relationships and love so complicated? Almost everyone I know wants or wanted to find a partner in life at some point. And of course it isn't easy to find a person that we ourselves will feel attracted to and who at the same time feels that way about us. 

So it's even harder for me to understand why two people who found that rare constellation of mutual chemistry and attraction wouldn't fight for it again and again and again - and again! Don't they realize how rare it is?

Sure, maybe you will find 20 more people who can love you - but you can't love them! Or 20 people YOU can love - but they don't want you?

So why risk it all? What do people/women want? 

My last 4 or 5 relationships all seemingly ended, because the women originally said "I want love, a partner, a family", only to then never show it with action or to change their mind.

And how well did they fare after? Surely leaving me was for an upgrade and everlasting love?

Well, not to my knowledge. The one that left me 2013 went through 10(!) guys in 2014 alone, blaming ME for it somehow (the last time she talked to me). 

The woman after her must have been already talking to someone else behind my back, because she suddenly married a guy, 30 years younger than her. Last I heard, he had beaten her/domestic violence and she was back in her home country, living with her mother. She told me "I gave up on love now". 

The next one, I have no idea what's her status. Last I heard, she had cancer, but was angry at me for asking her how she is (before I knew she has cancer), saying we won't be friends because we aren't even in the same country (so why did she offer?).

And then? Well, I don't know. I thought I had finally found someone who's different. Someone who wasn't sweeping me off my feet initially, but her consistency made me open up, letting myself become vulnerable. But it seems the more vulnerable I became, the less vulnerable she allowed herself to be.

So who is wrong here? Why do we behave in such ways? Why can't our partner be happy if we love them and accept them for who they are and want to help them and care for them? And are we selfish, only because we expect or hope for the same in return? Isn't that love?

For me, love is that I don't always put myself first. That I am willing to make sacrifices and compromises voluntarily, because I want to make that person feel special. Because I want to live with that person, pick out furniture or dishes and glasses together and just share the boring rutt we call life, making it less bleak. It's just normal for me to be honest and loyal and direct if I am in love or a serious relationship. And yet it seems like I am being very bad for being this way, because it ultimately seems to chase everyone away or makes them indifferent to me. 

So what do these women want? Do they really know? Are they aware that, like all of us, they most likely have a plethora of trauma that they need the acknowledge if they ever want to have a successful relationship? That the length of a relationship isn't necessarily a sign that we know what love is (it could be trauma-bonding)? 

All I want is someone who LETS me love them and is happy to have me. And while I know some people like that (at least it seems), I can't seem to feel these feelings for them. 

So although I think I know what love is to me, I am absolutely clueless about the process of falling in love. It doesn't involve looks (because I often could have been with a "prettier" girl than the one I loved, but those prettier girls didn't tempt me in the least) and I also don't know what kind of personality it requires (nobody has a perfect personality and every woman I dated and I myself have flaws). 

So why are we wasting so many years of our life, hoping for perfection? Why aren't we more grateful for what we have and work with that? Do we know for sure if it will work? No. But while we try, we are happy. And isn't that what we all want?

The melancholy of love

Love. Relationships. Why is it so complicated? Why do people have to make it so complicated? That's something I never understood. 

If I have a relationship with someone, I try to accept this person for who they are. I will start to care about them and their well-being becomes a concern of mine. I will want to know if they're ok, what they're thinking and feeling and want to help them to feel safe, to feel trusted. And of course I hope that they feel the same feelings for me.

But in reality, it seems that I always fail at making my partner happy. The more I try to give or sacrifice, the less it seems to matter to them. The more it seems to be taken for granted. And I feel worried or even afraid that they will leave me. 

The sad thing is that I usually know or feel early on that this person won't fight for me/us. That they won't really care if it's all over. It's something I can't understand. Maybe because I am someone who learned to open up to people rather easily? I know from experience that most women are usually very insecure inside. They are terrified to be vulnerable, to open up or to let themselves fall in love. Or they think early on that they fall for someone, but that's just a juvenile, teenage sort of attraction, usually based on looks or some toxic understanding of love and desire. 

We all usually come with a lot of trauma, a lot of fear, a lot of uncertainties. More experience should make it easier for us to have a functioning relationship, but it seems it makes it harder. We have more things to fear maybe? 

It just seems unfair...you spend all this time to try to build something with someone. You are actually happy when you're together. You want to make plans for the future and be an adult. But you're always highly dependent on that other person and their volatility. 

Why can I just decide "I want to make this work with her", but the women can't? Is it my fault for expecting too much? Or do I just expect that they know their own traumas and weaknesses and acknowledge them? I know I do expect that women would be more rational about this. If we're 30, 35 or 40 and we never married, it seems clear that we are at least a part of the problem. It seems clear that we will NEVER succeed unless we change. And why not change with a partner? Instead of alone? 

Yes, we can move on. But it only means we're nomads of love. We never have a home, we never belong. Our heart is never safe, never arrives. We waste our life with fleeting moments of happiness, but it's like we are addicts of pain. We endure far more pain for those fleeting moments of happiness. And why? Because we can't take the risk? 

No relationship can work if both people don't make an equal effort, are equally self-aware and willing to fight. And I'm afraid many people either never realize that or just after it's already way too late...

Men and Women

What's going wrong between men and women these days? What do men and women even want anymore? 

I grew up, learning that women are more mature than men. That men are basically pigs who just want sex and that women are more mature and want to be serious. That women would appreciate men who are kind, sweet, caring and sincere and that they would reciprocate in kind. 

Unfortunately, reality has shown me pretty much the opposite. 

From what I have seen from friends who were or had been married, from couples, from acquaintances, women are solipsistic. This means their decisions are filtered through their perception as if the world revolves around them. It’s not that they are selfish; it’s that they are self-interested.

This is of course pretty much the opposite of what my mother taught me. And looking at my father, he was taught the same lessons and learned the hard way that words mean nothing (his wife left, came back, left again, cheated, divorced him). 

I think the issue is that the way men and women are raised is different. I could see this when I was a kid with my female friend and her brothers. The mom would ask the brothers (male) to do "male" things like carrying heavy stuff or things that required more risk or physical strength. My female friend was given more "feminine" tasks like setting the table (less risk). 

If we keep that in mind, it makes sense that women by large are not exactly risk takers.

I ever did some research on WHY women are not willing or afraid to take the first step to approach someone they like.

The main reason?

1. Fear of rejection 

2. Appearing cheap/too needy/easy to have.

To me, this makes me laugh in anger. I mean, these are the exact same things that men are afraid of too! So why do men do it? Probably because we already LEARNED from reality that we HAVE to take this risk, or nothing happens. We learn "if you want anything, you must make an effort, even though in most cases, you won't be rewarded or even punished for it!"

Women on the other hand often learn or see that not only do they not HAVE to make the effort, they will still often be rewarded. Sometimes even women who did awful things and don't deserve it. 

If I grew up as a woman, I am sure I would be the same way most likely (anyone would be), because such power corrupts.

Now, don't get me wrong. This is not supposed to make me sound like I hate women. Or blame them. I just think that this huge difference in how parents and later society treats men and women is so different that equality is absolutely impossible, unless men and women had exactly the same pros and cons. But as it is, there are countless things a woman can do that a man can't do, such as false rape accusations, physically attacking a man, being super emotional and often childish with few or no repercussions. And that's not good, not for men OR women. 

Many, many of my female friends have complained about these kind of women at work or as former "friends". Other women who seduced their husbands or didn't do anything at work, yet never had to be responsible for it.

Surely anyone dislikes such people?

And here's the crux of things:

Women seem to expect us men to think like women. Men seem to expect women to think like men. Obviously, it seems impossible for both sides to ever fully understand the other. But it seems neither side is even willing to understand or emphasize!

Women for example seem to care a lot about height, looks, status and income in a man. A lot of women complain online that "although I have a great job and career and make money, nobody wants me!"

First of all, it's not nobody. It's the men THEY want who don't want them (and they should think why they want what they can't have, that seems like a baby that ignores a toy, but cries if someone else plays with it). 

Second, men don't care what your job or income is. Why? Because men don't ask women for money. We KNOW that your house, your money, your income is YOURS. Sure, with equality and all, we should be permitted to ask a woman to give us half or buy US a house, but we all know that this would never happen. And I don't know any men who would be so honorless to even ask for it. Such men do exist, but they're huge red flags for women.

Men also care less about looks than women might think. They seem more willing to overlook height, some extra weight or physical imperfections. In my experience, it is women who harshly judge other men or WOMEN for how they look.

Men on the other hand expect that women use a very straightforward, logical approach to things. That's what you learn as a man. No lies, no games, no BS, just cut to the chase! I can understand how, if you're raised as a woman, that's also super foreign to a woman.

But when we reach a certain age, shouldn't all this become something we learned and understand?

So why is it that men and women are still fighting and blaming each other? Why do so many women claim they are happy being single (and being single isn't the same as being alone btw, huge difference!) and yet they also complain "all men suck, there aren't any good ones"? Why would that matter if they're happy?

They say by 2030, 30-50% of all men not only are single and virgine, but they also completely stopped dating or trying to have a relationship. And 50% or more of all women will be single.

I think it's time men and women stop being so damn selfish and find a way to communicate better. Don't just point fingers and blame, look at what the problem is, put your ego aside and talk to each other to find solutions!