There does seem to be a connection between bad sleep and how I perceive life, hope and joy. It's too soon to say that with enough sleep, I won't feel depressed or lonely, but it certainly doesn't seem to help. I was under the impression that going out, getting more sunlight and meeting people has some positive effect (and maybe it did slightly, how can we measure that?), but I am so emotionally exhausted to have this feeling of despair and loneliness, combined with hopelessness creeping up on me every night/evening.
If I think back through my life, it seems that I felt best/better if I wasn't alone. But I also had my first severe and long-lasting depression while I still lived with my mother and brother and I did feel depression when I was in Japan with Mami 2015 or 2018 in Bali, even though Kana was with me at that time.
On the other hand did I run out of antidepressants 2012 in Bali, but I was basically living with Mutiah at that time and that seemed to give me a lot of strength. Almost immediately upon return though, my depression also returned.
Similarly in 2019: I felt a severe depression over the summer and visited my friend Chris in England. I perked up there and basically felt fine as long as I was with/around her, although just being in a different room from her and about 10-15 m apart made me feel depressed and anxious and again, after returning home, so did my depression.
For the last few years, I feel as if basically every week for the last 2 decades short of those examples had me feeling depressed. And as if that wasn't bad enough, I also start to really question what the point of life is. There are nice people I know. Unfortunately, most of them live far away. Some that I would like to lean on don't talk to me anymore or have changed and become cold. I am not even sure anymore if I would really feel better if I had someone by my side at the moment. I do hope so, but IF that didn't help, I frankly don't see how I could continue to live.
It's VERY exhausting and annoying if you can't even plan to do something tomorrow evening because you don't know yet if you feel "ok". How can anyone live that way?
I also fear the loss of family. The holidays have shown me that I lean on them for support. But I lost my grandfather last year and I fear I might lose my grandmother next. And eventually, I will lose my father and mother too. And then what?
What for do I (or anyone really) live? To collect as much money as we can like in the "Game of Life" by MB? But that would imply that I would finally be happy when I am 60 or 65 and if I see older people, they seem to be worse off and NOW is actually the time when I should feel ok. And I don't.
What's the use of money anyways? I do collect it because you can measure "progress", but other than feeling momentarily proud to have amount X, what good does it do? I can't buy love, children or a family with money.
Really, the more I look at it, the more rewarding does it seem to actually just be dead. What's so great about life? At least if I am dead, hopefully I would stop to think and feel?
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