Birthdays

Today is my 38th birthday. Isn't it funny how the importance or meaning of birthdays changes for us as we age?

When I was younger, I couldn't wait for my birthday to arrive. I would be so excited, counting the days and would spend weeks before it scanning and browsing toy catalogues and making a wishlist. I would plan which kids to invite to celebrate with me and the whole day would be a very nice experience.

Some of my nicest gifts I remember were usually LEGO, be it the Robin Hood Castle, a big Monorail that can actually be used or an electric train that my mom, dad, aunt and grandparents paid for together because it was such a big (and expensive) gift. I later received some more rails for it for Christmas and remember spending a lot of time playing with it and building a big LEGO city. It's too bad that all those LEGOs got lost and some of it was destroyed because my brother didn't take good care of it :(.

Then there was my 15th birthday, I think. We went to a supermarket in Herrenberg that I really liked as a child and my grandmother bought me the computer game "Baldur's Gate 2" that I really wanted after reading a review about it in one of my computer magazines. Gosh, I remember how reading those magazines back then always made me imagine the actual games. I guess I still had a vivid imagination back then. 

I was really excited and got to sleep at my grandma's apartment and the next morning (a school day), I would be so happy and started to read the manual at the breakfast table and later in school. The funny thing was, I was actually kind of scared of the game initially (it seemed so dark and spooky) and didn't play it for some weeks. But eventually I did and I must have spent a few hundred hours on it easily. 

Basically, I feel like I had a lot of amazing birthdays, in big parts thanks to my family. Although I also recall that the birthday when I got my Gameboy and my first Pokemon game and I had a sleepover with friends from school, I actually felt kind of depressed somehow. We watched "Mouse Hunt" on video and I felt bad for my mom that she had to pay money to rent it because I thought it wasn't a very good or funny movie. We also played outside for a while, climbing over the fence of the factory next to our house until some security guards chased us off. 

Actually, this reminds me that I felt guilty or bad a few times because I felt my mother had a harder time than parents around me/of friends. I wonder how that influenced me growing up. Maybe that's why I started to feel stressed and depressed, because I felt the urge or need to repay kindness with kindness? Or that I thought I didn't deserve it for some reason? I think I had a similar experience one other birthday where we rented "Bedazzled" and I also felt bad again because I thought the movie wasn't that good or funny (ironic, because I like it now). 

I actually remember at least 3 or 4 birthdays to be rather depressing or with me feeling depressed, although most of those seem to be after I was a teenager or in the last 15 years.

My last few birthdays were actually quite nice. For a while in the 00s, I made it a tradition to eat most of my cake alone (after giving pieces to everyone nearby) and watching "The Matrix" every birthday. 

I also don't really care about gifts anymore. Written notes or gestures are much nicer and meaningful and I don't really buy myself gifts anymore either or just very small ones (I returned the Kindle I bought 2017 or 2018). 

Although I now plan for my 40th that I do need to do SOMETHING special. But with who, where and how is something I don't quite know yet. I was thinking of saving a lot of money to throw a Line Friends themed party with lots of merchandise. But let's see.

As for today, I will just be happy to attend our favorite Asian restaurant later with my father and maybe visit my grandma if I can. And in the evening, my mom wants to stop by and I said we could all watch something together or talk.

Because I think what makes a birthday special is the people we spend it with. Be it family, someone we love (like 2012), someone we consider family (like 2022) or friends.

Some thoughts on our future

We live in the year 2023. When I grew up, that was usually already the year we had robots, flying cars and other stuff in movies. And while we may not have those (yet), a lot has changed in terms of technology, but also culture.

Things that were completely normal and accepted went the way of the Dodo (extinction). In most Western countries, but also Asia, whole generations have grown up with (relative) wealth. They mostly didn't experience wars, famine or suffering (their suffering was when they didn't get their smartphone in white or their preferred colour). They never had to learn to overcome challenges and obstacles. Instead, they have been praised constantly and told that they deserve (!) nothing but the best (why?), that they can achieve anything (no, not everyone can!) and that they don't really need to do anything to receive it.

Not only has this utterly spoiled those generations and turned them into dependents (of their parents, the government, if they're women sometimes their sugar daddy), it also has completely warped their sense of reality and realism. 

Last week, a viral video of some US TikToker (TikTok and Instagram, two of the worst things to hit mankind since the Plague?) emerged. She has her first job at 21 and complains that she now has to "wake up every day at around 7 and isn't home until 6pm" and thus "has fears of having no more life" has polarized people. A lot call her out for it and say that's the real world and she's a snowflake, but some show understanding and blame companies.

As someone who tried to find work at a time when there was still some baby boomer leftover, I remember how super difficult it was to even be invited by a company for a job interview! I must have written 300 applications in 1,5-2 years and had maybe 7 interviews, 3 that included a test (that I always passed). For sure it wasn't like today where applicants often don't even show up or they do and have outrageous demands! I saw companies offering people iPads, cars(!), trips and cash money if only they signed up! And yet those youngsters still complain...

But I digress. Basically, my point is that those kids don't understand reality the same way I didn't at 15-20. But even back then, I was already quite certain that due to my depression and "different" approach at fairness or work (work is a place to work, not to make friends or gossip), I probably wouldn't last very long in any company (and I didn't, mostly due to those reasons). 

Knowing that, I planned early on that I need to find a different way and that I have to be able to adapt. Animals in the wild only survive evolution if they adapt and, if necessary, move to different environments and places. That's also been my plan. 

I simply don't see how Western or actually any nations can survive long-term. Demographics (the study of the development of the population) makes that impossible.

Take Japan or China as examples. Japan has been shrinking for over a decade, already losing some 15-20 million inhabitants. That means less workers, less consumers of food, energy or apartments, less people to pay into a welfare system, but MUCH MORE that want their money back from said system. 

In China, the country just crossed the peak last year (officially), meaning that they will also face the issue of an aging population that wants their money back that they entrusted the government but that the government of course has already spent long ago. Some say their retirement system could collapse as soon as 2025-2027.

Here in Germany, we actually have returned to population growth (every country with 2,1 kids per family adds to the population, at 2,0, it stagnates, below, it shrinks), but that's only due to the millions of illegal immigrants. They're actually a drain on our resources and won't contribute skills or taxes (or too few), so they'll just accelerate our demise. I honestly don't see how Germany has any future at all, at least during my lifetime. 

Still, this is a problem that will reach all countries. Even Indonesia is said to stop growing as soon as 2040-2050 at around 320,000,000 people, far lower than the 500,000,000 people once predicted until 2100.

Basically, kids are now very expensive. Kids used to be cheap when we had a basic economy with mainly agriculture. Farming doesn't require you to read or write and if you own a farm, you can feed your kids and barely need money. But as income and the economy of a country go up, the number of children ALWAYS goes down. 

So all I/we can do is to pick a country that is still growing (the US or Australia are estimated to grow until 2080, due to immigration, India and the Philippines are said to grow until 2100) or we stay in our country and we must realize what people usually deny and don't want to accept, which is:

"THE FAT DAYS ARE OVER!"

It simply can't be and never has been a given that we can all travel non stop, eat out every day and still can save money. I think we have to fear for the worst.

Many jobs that require only a simple process will most likely be replaced by Robotics and AI (factory work, writing, bussing tables) and many predict that governments will take those savings to give each of us some money (for free). 

This may sound good, but humans were never meant to just do nothing but eat, sleep and breed like animals. Also, this money will just be enough to survive. And the government will have total control over who gets it or doesn't, making us modern slaves. 

Personally, I think the best way to avoid the worst fallout is to leave the "rich" countries as soon as possible. Eventually, moving to the first losers of the change in population should be a smart strategic move. Like, let's say you move to Japan in 2050 when the average income is for example 1500$ (far below current levels). The country will continue to shrink and so will income and the economy, so by 2100, income could be just 150-500$. BUT: Sinking income also means shrinking prices. Fewer people means less pollution, more housing left, less demand and more supply. So even if we die by 2100 or 2120 (we should all expect to live longer, kids born after 2000 already have a median life expectancy of 120), our children would live in one of the countries that already went through this (normal) cycle of a growing population. They would have opportunities they might not have for another 60-100 years in our home country. 

So what do you plan to do? Have you put aside enough savings for your future? Are you willing to live in a ghetto style hut if need be? Can you say goodbye to manicures and malls and instead embracing to learn farming?

Of course I can't predict the future, but I see far more negative signs that point to an end of the super luxurious life we have (think about it: Even people in Slums often have water, light, food and a home, more than many kings had 500 years ago) and a rather bleak future. And because I see most people are not willing to give up anything, I worry what happens when society collapses one way or another.

 

Always waiting for tomorrow...

Sunday evening. I go for a walk and feel quite low once again. 

Earlier, I woke up sort of late (2:30pm) and only watched some tv while I waited for my mother to stop by. We watched "Gattaca" together which was nice. But even as she was still there, I felt like my mood was dropping and that it would only get worse once she left. 

After she did leave, I went upstairs to my dad to just be near someone for a while, still watching the movie he watched, but now I am alone. And I keep wondering why this happens almost every week, almost every day. Why is my mood constantly changing and deteriorating? Why can't I feel ok most of the time?

This way, I don't even know how to enjoy my life or live it :(. And I don't understand how other people can or why they don't seem to have this problem.

In my quest to find the possible cause of my low mood, there are certain things that might cause it. It could be how I always multitask (even now, I walk, listen to music and type). It could be the smartphone that has made multi tasking and constant distraction normality.

Depression is said to be caused by stress. But as I am currently more or less without a job, I shouldn't feel stress. Or is it the stress of having nothing to do and the pressure to feel joy? 

Even though there are some things I could do, I always seem to have excuses or reasons not to do them. I could draw something, but I don't. Why? 

I could continue my puzzle, but I fear it would leave me too conscient and aware of my depression. I learned to constantly distract me because of the depression, so maybe that's why?

I could also play a video game or watch something, but I can't seem capable to enjoy it. 

Yet when my mother was here, I felt like I could focus better. It usually seems to be that way, that if I am not alone, I tend to feel better, even though I might not feel perfect. 

I really hate this condition because I feel I don't really have a life. Other people enjoy travelling or events or even just tv and a book and I can't seem to enjoy those things or I might start to enjoy it, but it could end any moment.

If I would ditch my medication and smartphone, what would happen? Would I feel better? Worse? Would I kill myself out of desperation? I kind of want to try it, because I haven't tried that yet, but I am also scared. It seems it was different to keep ourselves busy 10-20 years ago. I had similar options and felt similar, but it seems it was overall a little better? 

I really don't know how to live like this :(. Not knowing every day if tomorrow will be a day where I can enjoy things or if it's just another day for me to wait to fall asleep in hopes of tomorrow finally being a "normal" day...

Nightmare

I dreamt of Ike. In my dream, I was first visiting Ulrich (he was a little boy with glasses from school who became a doctor in real life later on). A few hours/days/weeks of my dream, I spent visiting his place, but I don't remember much details.

In the mid section of the dream, Ike was visiting Holzgerlingen, my hometown. I hadn't seen her since a decade or so (like in reality). I was with my family (grandma, mom, my brother, maybe some other relatives or close friends of the family) when we ran into her. Although in real life, she had blocked me, we talked at first in the dream and all seemed well. I was actually happy to see her (I think because the overall tone of the dream was so dark and negative and...lonely?). Ike was on vacation or something. I thought at first she came specifically to visit me and felt happy (again, I guess because I felt SUPER lonely, despite being with family), but it turned out she had a boyfriend back home (?) or was invited by many, many men. Either way, as we went to or were at the ice cream parlor, things went out of hand. We had a huge fight, I think because of the topic of how she treats friends (similar to our real fight 2018 when we last met). She said because she is single (I guess no boyfriend?), she can do what she wants. Basically, she was very arrogant and snobbish. This infuriated me. I don't know why, it wasn't just her. It was a mix out of "sexual ownership" over her (maybe because we ever had a sort of affair, although I thought it was a sincere relationship then, being young and naive while she banged at least 50 men that year according to her own words) and this crushing loneliness that hang over the dream like a cloud. I fought with her and those guys that were either real or spiritually around. Finally, I must have maimed her(?) and she had lost an eye or leg or was incapacitated in another way. All I remember is that she was in some kind of coffin and a group of paramilitaries from South America that I had hired were there to protect, torture her (only to get paramount information we needed) and seek for something.

It turns out that her promiscuity somehow endangered the entire dream world. We kept seeking for... something! Was it a nuclear bomb? A piece of it? I remember that she (she wasn't dead) kept taunting us and it didn't matter how we threatened her, she just became angrier, more defiant and refused to be reasonable. At some point (before we caught her?), two dogs with gigantic penises raped her(!) and shot huge loads in her ass, basically ruining her intestines(!), but she wouldn't work with us and kept taunting us and me (somehow, aside from whatever it was we were trying to find, I had some strong personal feelings for her that included a sexual desire, although sexually "owning" her seemed not about actually "owning" a woman in a sexual way and more about love/loneliness. Maybe I was jealous, scared and envious because of this CRUSHING feeling of having no control and loneliness that accompanied the dream.

We kept searching and searching. We finally found some floppy disks(!), CD ROMs and other outdated medias in a room at my/our place(?) where she had been a guest. They were mostly taunting me with her promiscuity (even in the dream I didn't understand why I dreamt of her of all people or why I seemed so hurt, I haven't missed her or felt anything special for her in 15 years?), but they seemed important. 

During that search, the place where we held her had been attacked by other military groups in the valley between where my grandparents used to live on the right and where we used to live on the left side. The dog attack had actually happened in the middle too and she was kept there somewhere although it was that huge and dystopian horror version of my hometown. 

Unfortunately, I don't remember all the details now. But this part and the earlier part alone felt like they had literally taken dozens of hours or even days or weeks to dream, so it was emotionally exhausting. 

Finally, in the last part I remember, it seems the world had somehow ended (maybe that bomb or whatever Ike was trying to hide?). The environment and all looked "normal", but something had changed with the people. I felt like I was the only one who noticed it. 

It seemed that all human life was now about nothing but...well, what actually? I remember seeing Wolfgang, my mother's ex boyfriend. I was in some apartment with different floors and felt AWFUL and like I wanted to die. I either kept crying constantly or just really felt like I absolutely can't stand and endure this crushing feeling of loneliness, it was maddening! I tried to talk to Wolfgang or his daughter about it, but they didn't seem to care. Everyone was kind of...zombieesque? They just functioned like robots, not people. 

As I watched it being or actively rebuild the "new world" (mostly the buildings), I absolutely hated it! It was such a depressing place, I can't even put it in words. Do you know this feeling you have when u wake up from a nightmare, not fully realizing yet that it is wasn't real? I think that's how this world felt, only ALL THE TIME! I tried to talk to people, tried to ask them if they also dreaded the feeling to go to sleep soon (maybe a sign at yet a deeper, lower, even scarier dream level/level of subconsciousness?) but they didn't seem to care or agree. It was like only I felt this.

I tried to find my mother. I was driving around on a bike or walked, eventually coming to the house where family Matz (friends of our family) used to live. I was excited, hoping that at least they could comfort me a little. In this world, all people seemed to do was...exist? They didn't work, they didn't feel (good or bad things), they just existed and slept. It seemed awful, far worse than hell or death! But as I rang the door bell, only the youngest daughter came out, carrying an umbrella that had a blanket WE owned as the protective part(!). She didn't want to chat, proudly/arrogantly saying she was on her way to an adult/mature meeting. I somehow didn't try to see if the rest of the family was there (it seemed that just seeing or meeting one of them would have helped a little), but rang at the door of the neighbors to the left. I had known them vaguely decades ago, so maybe I was grasping at straws. But nobody seemed to be there. And when I did see some lights go on, I scurried back to the sidewalk and pretended to tie my shoes. I didn't understand why I did this, but of course it didn't help to improve my mood. 

I finally went up the road towards my grandparents apartment, only that, same as the rest of the fictional, dystopian hometown, it was all at least 10 times bigger and darker, making it city of at least 150,000 people. Only you never saw ANYONE! I was always alone and yet it seemed the people were there, but I couldn't see them. 

My mom was with me now or waiting at the top of the road as I used my hands(!) to pull myself forward and up the steep road until there was some church-like building in the middle of the road where just road should be. 

Where the house of my childhood friend Stefanie usually stands, there was a very dark park with barren(!) trees where my mom said we should go because "it's too dark everywhere else" (did I mention how dark that tiny park was?). I didn't understand this, because our grandparents home wasn't very far now, maybe 150 meters.

I must have woken up soon after. I don't know if I captured and explained this all well, but although I didn't deal with any monsters or ghosts, this was a truly frightening dream. I had similar dreams where seemingly real weeks, months or even years pass in the few hours I actually sleep. They usually also involve me being super lonely, super depressed and having nothing to do (or nothing I do can bring me any joy).

It's odd too about the first and middle part. I don't know why I sometimes dream of Ulrich. We weren't close, more neutral. And Ike? In my dream, I took everything so personal and felt so hurt. But why? And why her? The only time dreaming of women upset me this much, it usually involved an ex girlfriend like Mutiah, Mami or maybe Kana. But Ike? Even if we would still talk in real life, I have absolutely no desire to talk to her, mostly because I feel there's no point to it because we are just different people and unfortunately don't have much in common to even be friends. What actually led to our last and final fight was the fact that i had moved (in parts) to Bali because I felt lonely and depressed with my life here in Germany and she felt depressed and lonely there. I had hoped that we could just become sincere friends and I felt disappointed because even when we spent time in real life together, she just kept chatting with her boyfriend (even ignoring her other friend who was present). I know that sounds like I was jealous of the boyfriend, but I really wasn't. I just felt a mix of anger and disappointment. Anger because she couldn't seem to see that that relationship that had been going on with her and him for 10+ years, for which she even left her marriage and husband didn't seem to lead anywhere (i mean, 10 years and they still aren't together? 10 years and the guy still needs time to leave his wife or ex wife?). 

I wanted her to be more firm, like "come and be with me or it's over". I even told her that that last time we saw us, but she just agreed in a dismissive/patronizing tone and I knew she didn't agree. 

So yeah, I felt sad and frustrated. I understand that people want a relationship. I didn't want a "love" relationship with her. But I really hoped the 8-9 years between when me and her last met and 2018 had changed her to a point where she would appreciate that although I might seem a bit too forward or "offensive", I just did that because I feel that's what a true friend SHOULD do!

I don't know what her situation is like now because she blocked me soon after. I had asked her about that last meeting and she wouldn't respond, so I kept asking and eventually calling, although she always rejected the call. So I called and called again until finally, someone (her? Him?) wrote me that he is the boyfriend and I should leave her alone.

Again, I get it, anyone reading this will think I "wanted" her. But I swear, I really just wanted the sincere friendship that I thought we both had made promises about:(. I wanted to help her! Maybe I wanted to help, hoping she could help me too if I needed it. But I definitely meant well. 

I wouldn't be surprised if she is either still "hanging" in her situation with him or she is single now or has some new guy (I guess those are the 3 options?), but if it's any of them, I doubt it will work or help. As someone who spent most of his life fighting with depression, I have seen too many of those pattern in me or others.

 

My ex Mami still seems to be single (again), her life not being better (I can't know, but it's my impression). Kana doesn't talk to me anymore, but she seemed permanently stuck on her dead husband. She might need therapy to move on, but of course doesn't think so.

Mutiah? I don't know her situation, but she looked older, more stressed and as far as I know just had a parade of "boyfriends" coming and going. I even had the impression she will be with just anyone for...financial support? So she won't be alone? I can't know and can just speculate, but she is 50 in a few years. Isn't that time to settle down? She clearly can't and the common denominator is her, so maybe she also could need advise or should learn from her failings?

Which leaves me. Maybe the dream is my subconscious mind telling me that I fear what could come if this depression that lingers under the surface could get worse. It seems to ask me what happened that I don't seem to have any real friends since my school days. And it seems to tell me that I still want to spend more time with my grandparents/grandma.

Dreams and Memories

A few days ago, I dreamt an unusual dream about my ex-girlfriend Mutiah and my former childhood friend, Stefanie. I hadn't dreamt of Mutiah in a long time and unlike previous dreams of me and her years ago, the dream was slightly different.

Me and her somehow encountered each other while I was part of some group that went hiking or something. I recognized her and unlike in real life, she didn't avoid me and we could talk and were friendly with each other. It was as if we had finally become friends/stayed friends the way Mutiah had always promised me (but never kept her promise).

While we hung out, she sometimes changed into Stefanie though. Or they sort of blended into one new person.

Stefanie and I had been best friends when I was 7 or 8 after I defended her from some bullies in 1st or 2nd grade and she then told me that our mothers know each other. She lived near my grandmother's home, so I visited her when I stayed there. And later, she often stayed at her grandparents home which was close to my home. So we walked to school together many times and often hung out together. We even had a crush on each other, albeit at different times unfortunately.

I often miss those days, because it was nice to always have someone to talk to and to share with. Although we were young, our relationship seemed very "mature" for our age. 

Unfortunately, after Elementary, we went to different schools and lost touch:(. We met one last time in 2015 after I came back from my trip to Japan, but that's been that since then. 

So although my dream SEEMED like it was about me and Mutiah being friends/dating, it felt very different. I think the underlying message was more one of me mourning those days that passed long ago. 

I do have memories with some people that were part of my life for a while. I have many memories with Stefanie and not quite as many with Mutiah. Heck, I even have dream memories of Mutiah of things or places we only did in dreams (is that normal btw that I often know my dream is a dream or remember in my dream that the memory in the dream is actually another dream I had?). 

I also started to talk more often with Mami lately and it brought back some positive memories as well.

It's a pity that women in general don't seem very nostalgic or sentimental and don't seem to appreciate memories or feel the same way. 

I don't want to be with any of those girls. But I do wish I could revisit some of those moments and feel the genuine happiness of those days. I also miss who I was back then:(. 

Memories...

Memories are our way to remember moments from our past. They can be positive or negative. Some people say that it's not good to remember too much; that it means we live in the past. 

Personally, I think we often remember our past when our present isn't happy. If you have no future to look forward to and can't see any progress in the present, it seems to make a lot of sense to "escape" our mind to a time when we did feel happy or like we had a purpose, even if it's just to remind us that life CAN be happy. 

But of course if this continues and we don't have any perspective, it makes things far worse as it then just serves as a reminder that we haven't felt happiness for a long time and haven't been able to create new memories to - if not replace, but at least push back some memories to a further distance, showing us that our happy times aren't long gone, but follow us. 

I find myself thinking of the last 10 or 20 years of my life very often lately. I don't see much perspective in the present and I think it would be different if I had someone by my side to create new memories with.

Almost all my memories include other people in an important way. Whether it's my parents or grandparents or brother when I was younger, friends of the family or later someone I had or attempted to have a relationship with, the memories all include someone. But while family is somewhat constant and the memories remain sweeter, relationships or friendships often aren't and the memories start to hurt. They hurt because...well, I guess because we thought that we had found someone special who could make new memories with us, but those people left us. In some cases, this can be very traumatic if it's linked to important life events. 

Let's say if you had a relationship while you finished school or started a job. Then this milestone of a life that should be positive will always be overshadowed by a sadness. 

But it's not just relationships that could make a memory sad. Lately I realize more and more that nobody lives forever. 

Back in 2012, I was watching the movie "Wargames" on my phone on a flight back from Singapore to Indonesia. That movie always reminds me of my father who had shown it to me in the 90s on video and I remember thinking of him and my family at that time. 

I did have a relationship at that time too and although I don't actually miss that person as a love interest, of course just her existence ar the time makes her an extented part of the memory. It was maybe the first time in my life that I had felt like I could also create my own future, my own life, my own memories or a family. A feeling that I had never felt before.

Unfortunately, that wonderful feeling of "belonging" that we usually just find in our family didn't last long. 

I wonder sometimes if I had never lived with someone like family members do, maybe I wouldn't miss it/feel so alone. Friends I have who never REALLY lived alone AND with a partner never seem to feel like I do. And I wonder if that's because they are just stronger ir because they never felt what I felt. 

People often tell me that I shouldn't remember and look forward. But I feel that if I remember, it's not because I want that moment/the past back. I actually just wish that there would be more moments like this (or better) in my future:(. 

It took me a long time to move on from that relationship and it caused me a lot of confusion. I am still not sure why it was so hard for me, but I think it was because my memories of the time in general (I was younger, I lived on my own for the first time, it was an adventure) and my relationship somehow melted into one. 

A good friend of mine seems to have a similar situation with her former partner. Although just like mine, the partner turned out to be toxic and rather bad, she can't forget the past and fully forget. And I think both of us would be accused by most that we simply "don't want to move on" or "love our past/ex partner". But I think it's rather that we miss who we were and how we felt. That we mourn the loss or change of ourselves. And that we might have had such a hard time to move on because we felt that if we cut that last thread, we may NEVER feel happiness again or be able to create and experience such moments. 

There's a lot of movies, shows or songs that remind me of something or someone. In some cases, the person has changed (which is good and shows its not that we are stuck, but we just need the right progress), in some cases (especially family) it's the same. 

Just like that movie "Wargames" or others remind me of my father, some old James Bond movies or "Crocodile Dundee" remind me of my grandfather (we used to watch them together) and it does make me happy and sad at the same time. Happy that I can have those memories and don't lose them forever, but also sad because it's a time that won't come back and there seems to be nothing to look forward to that could replace the comfort they give. Because as time passes by, the comfort starts to become a bitter melancholy as it reminds me that I will lose this person and I am afraid that if I ever lost the memory, I could forget them all together more and more. 

So I think memories are a tricky thing. I agree that we shouldn't live in them, but I also think that it's important that we learn from them and I think it's never that simple to say/decide what a memory actually means, especially if it's someone elses and we just hear or read about it. I still hope I can make new and good memories, but the older I get and the more I see my life being the same routine all the time, the more I start to question myself sometimes...

Long Way To Go

Do you remember that song by Cassie from 2006/07, "Long Way To Go"? This song was popular around the time my relationship with my first REAL girlfriend (I won't count R) was not going well and I had started to talk to this girl Indri on MySpace. We seemed to have a lot in common and talked about music too. Indri made me a mixtape CD and this particular song was on it.

Unfortunately, we never got to meet and be together like we thought we could (a story for another day), but this song still takes me back to 2006/07 in my mind. 

It's that magical time when I had just turned 21, had gathered my first experience with love and when being in a foreign country was still an adventure and big deal for me. 

There's other songs on that album too and they also remind me of that time, but this particular one kind of stuck because it makes me remember sleeping in a room upstairs from my girlfriend at her parents home. This was a long time before smartphones and we still sent us SMS before sleep and I would read John Grisham. In the mornings and evenings, I would take a shower (with only cold water) and I still have the smell of my shower gel by Axe in the back of my head...

Growing up can be nice, but I do miss those simpler days. 

Everything is the same...and somehow different

Lately I feel like my life has been very much the same for a long time now. I sleep, I wake up, I work (or sometimes have nothing to do), I wait for... something? But I don't know what. Probably for life to get better?

But life just seems to become blander. I used to have a certain feeling of joy or excitement to go to the store, to travel, to do this and that. That all seems gone now. My last trip felt ok, but not like my trips felt 10 years ago. Even my trip 2019 to Japan still felt exciting somehow. But now? 

I just don't know if this is normal and happens to all of us as we grow up. Or is it because of my depression? Or is it because of how technology has changed society? 

Earlier today, they showed those old Israeli sex teenie comedies from the 70s on tv that were very popular in Germany back then. My mom and dad used to watch them and I watched them in the 90s on video. Seeing them on tv reminded me of how different I felt when I was a teenager. Life was in front of me and there were still things to do, to try, problems to overcome that seemed like a fun challenge.

But now? It's just the same, day in, day out. Now that summer is over, it also means to be stuck indoors even more:(. 

I still hope and wish things might be better or different if I wasn't alone all the time. But sometimes I am worried it's not just that and it goes beyond that:(. 

Everything was better when I was young

Every generation seems to experience this feeling that "things were better when I was young". 

The younger people roll their eyes and think their parents or siblings are just stubborn and narrow-minded and can't enjoy the "new, hip things". And the older generation thinks the new things are just wrong, stupid and less good.

Is either side right or wrong?

It seems to be human nature to develop a strong feeling of nostalgia when we reach our 30s or 40s. Maybe it's because it's only then that we realize how precious our youth was and when we remember it, EVERYTHING seems positive (and we tend to forget or ignore that it contained many bad moments as well). 

At the same time it seems to be normal that younger people lack the experience and understanding to appreciate their precious youth until they lose it, so it makes sense that they'd think the older generation is wrong.

I have also been at points in my life many times (and more often in the last couple of years) where I thought: "What's wrong with this modern world?"

I've always been somewhat conservative, but I also recall being more open to leftist, liberal ideas when I was younger. Still, I grew up with a strong sense of responsibility and that I need to be true to myself and have integrity. That's always been something I admired in older generations, even when I was young.

And the lack thereof is something I absolutely despise about my or younger generations. I just can't understand why people don't want to see that being selfish and lacking accountability is bad for all of us. 

But just like generations before me, I have to find ways to deal with it. Neither can I turn back time nor can I change society at large. The best I can do is to curb my expectations and to try to surround myself with like-minded people while avoiding living in a bubble. 

Lonely Sunday(s)

It's Sunday again. I feel lonely. 

Yesterday, I went to the store with my mother around noon. We spent the afternoon in the garden, reading and talking. Later, her friend joined us, we had dinner together and then read some more before watching an episode of "Our planet" (a nature show).

The moment she left, I already felt more lonely. Why is that? 

If I ask friends or people, they never seem to feel alone much. Do they have a better social life? What is it that others seemingly never feel bad to be alone, but I often do?

Sometimes, it really doesn't bother me that much, but then it often does, rather out of the blue. This confuses me. Shouldn't I either feel alone all the time or never by that logic?

And what about the future? Would I feel better if I was married? Living together?

I do remember feeling happier when I lived with my girlfriends 2012-13 and 2015. Or when my ex girlfriend and her sister visited us for 4-5 days in 2017. But I also immediately dropped into a deep depression the day after they went back. 

Maybe that's why I feel comfort and familiarity in tv shows about families. They show me what life could be like with family life.

I never really had that when I was a kid. My parents divorced when I was 4,5 years old, so my few memories before that are hazy at best. But maybe that's why I have this strong urge for family? My mother has it too though and she grew up with a mother and father (and her sister). 

I envy those with family life, like my brother or some friends. It's just a different feeling if you're not always sitting alone in your garden or living room. Things are less fun alone. If they're any fun at all. 

But where is my future? And with whom? Is it risky to have just a wife (she could die or leave)? Would it be better to live together with friends? But they might leave us too. It just seems like life is too unpredictable for us to avoid this feeling. Still, I don't understand why it mostly seems to hit me over the weekend. I don't have any work to do, I don't have any chores waiting for me tomorrow. And yet I feel this emotional stress of being alone. 

A dark cloud

Since Sunday, I feel deeply depressed and hopeless (again). It feels as bad as it last had been in January. But back then, I didn't have my medicine, so I thought that might have been why.

This time, I really don't know what happened. I woke up after a long sleep. I had some pizza, watched some of my favorite episodes of "Modern Family" and read a book outside in our garden. My mother stopped by and we had a nice talk. The day seemed great. Then I went for a walk before heading home and watching some tv before bed.

But while I sat in front of the tv, my mood dropped like an anvil out of an airplane. I went from "feeling ok" to "I have no hope at all, everything is hopeless, joyless and miserable" in moments.

I couldn't focus on the tv anymore and sat on the couch, almost catatonic. Then I cried. I cried a lot and hard. 

Jonesy, my cat came back. He looked kind of scared when he saw me crying, so I tried to keep it together so I wouldn't scare him. But once he was inside, I fell apart again and cried. 

He came to me once or twice to rub his head against mine, but I am not sure if he actually understands sadness. Our previous cat did, but not every cat is the same. 

Eventually, after crying for some time and already contemplating killing myself, I slowly started to feel a little better. 

I kept thinking why I feel this way. Previously, I thought my depression was triggered by a lack of sleep. But I slept long enough. So I was thinking if maybe my work that would continue on Monday was the reason? It's divided in task 1 and task 2. Task 2 is more work, but pays more. I always push myself to do 400 of task 2 every day. But especially since my pay was cut by 20%, it seems it's more and more work for less and less pay. They also don't drop the tasks at any fixed time and instead it could be any time. I had been waiting until 5am that Sunday to see if there's some work, but finally fell asleep around 7. At 9 or 10, I woke up (had to) to do my work, so I can get enough tasks to reach my target. 

The more I think about it, the more I wonder if it's really worth it. I mean, getting some money is important, but how did Indio say in "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly"?

"IF YOU WORK FOR A LIVING, WHY DO YOU KILL YOURSELF WORKING?"

I frankly feel kind of lost. My job isolates me and my life is almost like the life of a prisoner. Because of work, I am basically stuck at home all month. I can't even join my father on day trips or to the store because he wants to go in the early day and I am usually busy until the evening or night. I can't visit my mother or grandmother because of it. 

I don't have any friends in Germany that I could meet or visit or who could visit me. 

So basically, I have no social life or outlet. That can't be good! 

Maybe that's why I wish I could have a partner. Someone to just be there, someone I can talk to. 

I am so used to constantly distracting myself and multi-tasking that I must be tense all the time without realizing it anymore. This can lead to stress and that stress can lead to depression again.

Still, I am not sure if that's why. It would explain something, but it's just a theory.

On Tuesday evening, it was almost as bad as on Sunday again. Wednesday, I felt better (it was my day off, I could sleep more) and I visited my mother until the evening. 

But today (Thursday), although I felt ok in the morning, I could feel all day that a dark cloud was hanging over my head. That's how I would describe this feeling. You basically know or can feel that no matter what you do now or want to do later, you probably won't be able to enjoy it!

I think that's also the reason why many depressive people commit suicide. How could ANYONE live life if they know that every day, they are not capable of feeling joy? That no matter what logic they use, they won't be able to feel happy? Or feel hope? Or motivation? 

I really wish there would be some way to fix it once and for all. I would give whatever I could to get rid of this feeling. I would move into a slum if I had a guarantee to be depression free forever. 

But alas, that's unfortunately not how it works. And I really don't have the energy anymore to go through all of this :(. What's the point of my life if I can't feel normal or happy or help anyone?

I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I was in my mid to late teens, I was watching the show "Scrubs" about young doctors, working and rising in ranks in a hospital. There was one episode where a woman who waited for an organ donation passed away. This moment after her passing was turned into a music number and a song called "I'm waiting for my real life to begin":

Scrubs Episode

I often thought of this song and moment for although on the show, it was about her passing into a new "life" after death (or was it with the organ she didn't get in time?), I felt very similar in my own life.

Since I couldn't finish school and started a job training first, then work, I have been waiting and looking forward for my REAL life to begin. All my efforts and sacrifices, be they financial, time or other were subjugated to that goal.

But now that I will be 40 in 30 months, I am thinking what that "real" life should actually be like? What am I expecting? A life without work and a lot of money? Doesn't seem very fulfilling alone.

A life together? Seems far better, but where to find a person that's actually nice and reliable and worth putting our hopes into? 

Maybe I have been living too much in the past AND future and forgot to live in the moment. That's the real life that's passing me by every day. And I often think how I can live it fuller, how I can seize the day and make the most of it. But is anything we do ever special or good enough? Or is it just about us living and not overthinking things too much?

How to live our life?

Have you ever heard of making the most of your life? Seizing the day? Carpe diem?

I often wondered, how do we do that? What can or should we do every day that our day wasn't wasted? 

Isn't it a waste of our precious time if we go to work? Especially if we have rather unproductive jobs? 

But what should or could we do instead? Some of the things we could do today will also affect the future. 

These days, young people seem to seize the day by partying, spending A LOT of money and going on a lot of shopping sprees and vacations. But because the time from 18-30 is usually the decisive time where we either set the foundation for our financial future and a possible shot at (moderate) wealth, those same young people will most likely end up in deep debt, expecting the government and taxpayers to bail them out.

I am someone who always pinches every penny, waiting for my life to begin and being set up by then. 

But my plan for my future always included someone by my side to share it with (like my grandparents had). And now that getting and staying married has become a thing of impossibility, I really don't see what the point of having money is or would be. If you have nobody to enjoy it with, why pursue it?

The same goes for career. I honestly couldn't care less to have some title because I think it's silly to get our thrills by caring what people we don't really know or care about might think of us. 

But then what is the purpose of life? How should we live it? Aren't we always dependent on people around us? I mean, even if we live far off alone, we still need things such as a working economy, people to trade with, etc. 

And yet the trend seems to be to live life as selfish and short-sighted as possible. Of course I sometimes wonder if I am wrong not to live that way. But it just seems wrong to me, especially because I feel so stuck in my routine. But I can't think of anything I could change so drastically that wouldn't involve a lot of money or a move to another location. 

And for some things, such as getting paid for work, we pretty much HAVE to wait, right?

I still believe in the Bible wisdom "The last will be the first in the end!"

How about you? How do you live your life or think we should live ours?

About life and death and emotions

How do we deal with our own mortality and death? 

Death is something we can't avoid. But while some of us fear it, some see it as a blessing or serenity. I guess it depends how we can still live our life, how frail or broken we feel, how happy or unhappy we are. 

I have been thinking about my own death the older I am. It can be scary sometimes to know that some years won't ever come back. 

Sometimes I feel that if death comes, that's not bad. I believe in heaven, so death might just be the beginning of something new.

Then there's technological advance. Some say that in the near future, we can freeze our body (or something like that) and our mind can live eternally in "the cloud" or something. And while I am not sure if that isn't actually awful, it does seem interesting in a way. Isn't our mind 80+% of how we experience life? If we sleep and dream, we don't use a body and yet feel as if we run, fly or swim.

But then there are times when I also wonder if death is scary. Is it? Well, pain would be scary, especially if it won't end. But I think that's not something I would have to be too afraid of, unless it's something like radiation poisoning. 

Is it because we can't experience new things? Well, sometimes I already feel sick of how fast everything is changing just now. Not finding out what comes next might be a blessing if it sucks anyways.

I also think about death because my grandfather is in the hospital now and it seems that he doesn't have long to live anymore. I knew that this day would come, but I don't know how to feel or behave.

When my grandmother (paternal) passed away, I felt...well, I guess happy for her? 

I knew that she was very lonely and missed her late husband. So I knew that she is now reunited with him. And that she didn't have to suffer long. I also knew that she was already tired of life. So dying was something she wanted and she could. Logically, that made it reasonable to feel happy for her. 

I also know that my grandfather wanted to die for the last 5 or 6 years already. But my grandmother told him that they should still enjoy their time and life and I think it's good that they did. 

But since they are in a nursing home, both have deteriorated dramatically. My grandfather physically, my grandmother mentally. 

My grandfather has been in and out of the hospital 4-6 times in the last 2-3 months, so it seems like a bad sign. And this time, it seems it's the final time, although they plan to release him on Monday. But he is basically like in a waking coma: He can open his eyes, but seems unable of speech or movement. 

That's not a life and I feel everyone wishes him that he could pass away, rather than to suffer.

As for me, I feel that whatever it is that HE wants is what should happen. If he still wants to be around, even as a kind of husk, maybe he should. But if he is suffering, I also feel it would be best for him if he could go peacefully. 

What confuses me sometimes is how...untouched I seem by all this. I don't cry or feel miserable, yet some movies (with characters that are not real) make me weep. Am I cold-hearted? Or is it because real life just lacks the glamour and glitz that creates those emotions? 

I love my grandfather and wish him well. But if I cry or plead, it won't change the outcome. I also don't think he'd want it. So maybe that's why I feel/see this all in a logical way? 

But it does make me wonder how emotional or logical I really am. Sometimes, I seem to be very emotional, sometimes I seem to be so emotionless that it borders on nihilism...

Do feelings change?

I guess it is normal for us to feel different as we get older. But sometimes I wonder if that's only because we have more experience and wisdom or because we live in times where our technological advance is far ahead of our sociological and emotional advance. 

In the 90s when I went to school, there was basically no internet yet and if you wanted to meet your friend, you'd make plans in school or call them at home to make an appointment. 

You'd meet and play outside (who does that anymore?) or watch friends play games and take turns (a bit like those gaming channels online, but more realistic). 

And if two people wanted to get to know each other or date, you couldn't just swipe and match, you had to talk to the girl or find a way.

I always tried sending them love letters where I proclaimed my strong feelings for them and asked them to reply and make an appointment to watch a movie or something (somehow, going to the cinema was my idea of how dating usually went). 

Unfortunately, I never had any success. I must have written and sent 10-14 letters and only received a reply once (no luck of course). 

Even the girl I used to walk home with didn't respond and it was weird that she never mentioned it, even as we continued to walk home. I guess it was proactive ghosting, before ghosting was a thing? 

Nowadays, I would just ask that girl why she didn't respond or maybe even ask her out right away if I liked her. But unlike back in those days, I actually no longer feel excited or nervous at the prospect of dating or even being intimate with a girl. And that's kind of scary. Because it seems to indicate that having a partner is nothing romantic anymore, nothing magical. It's more like some task you can cross off your to-do list. And I really wonder why it's like that or if it's actually this way. 

Without some magic and irrational emotions, what's the point of dating, being together, being intimate? And it doesn't seem like I can't feel love, I do feel a lot for my cat! But unlike most women I met, he is sincere and doesn't pretend or play games.

If I had 10 or 20 cats already in my life, would I feel less for them too? Is it just that we get used to emotions and they lose all meaning? But then wouldn't we also lose all interest in eating, drinking, other repetitive things?!

The way it is now, people only seem willing to connect on a very superficial level, unwilling to share much. So maybe I am just tired of those superficial relationships that seem about sex mostly. Or maybe women are just not used to doing ANYTHING on their own, without being explained why they actually should? 

What are your thoughts?

What's the point?

Lately, I have started to wonder if there's a point to most things. 

Since I was a small boy, I feel like I never wanted to be rich like those obnoxious people on tv. I never cared about being some powerful boss and having a "great" career. As a child of divorce, I think I always saw love as the best goal to have in life.

But I think men and women don't really match for love, at least my idea of love. 

To me, being in love and having a partner is about sharing and caring. You find a person that is so special to you for a number of reasons that no other person can give you such a secure feeling. A person that you can share everything with, who also shares everything with you, be it situations, thoughts or feelings.

I was told that women were the mature gender, the gender that likes to talk and express how they feel. Well, I think that's all a bunch of hogwash!

For 17 years, I tried to find a partner. Now of course I have my own flaws and everything, but there are a few things I noticed in all the women. 

1. They don't communicate well:

Even though they are supposed to be good at it, most women don't seem to know how to make conversation. They also don't seem to have manners in some cases, especially since we have instant messaging. Many is the times that women simply didn't reply, even though they read my questions. And it is one thing if someone you don't know does that, but someone who claims to be your friend or partner? Basically, it's a sign that they don't respect you or put themselves in your shoes. 

2. They always have back-ups:

Despite all the talk of equality, women seem to find it sexist and unfair to make the same effort. Even if they found a partner, they always have a whole group of back-ups they keep around as life boats. Not only is that unfair and evil, it's also a good way to make sure any relationship they are in can't work (and they are the reason for it). It's as if you try to stop smoking, but you make sure you sit inside a smoky bar with 2000 cigarettes in front of you. Which brings us to:

3. They have no integrity or will power:

Very few women have discipline or the power to say no. They always seem to succumb to any temptation they're presented with. Whether that's food, smoking, men... usually their excuse is "I am a woman, I got emotional".

By that logic, should I say "it's fine I shot that man or woman, I am a man, I am violent" or something? Should be...

I just don't really see how relationships can work. Of course most men are just the same and this isn't about saying "one gender is better". They both suck.

But I don't know, the kind of love I expect seems to be way too much to ask for. The best you can get these days is to meet someone, fall right into bed, mistake the hormones that come with that and the superficial looks for love and act surprised why a few months later, your mismatched relationship didn't work. And of course they won't blame themselves, but other people. 

Society keeps changing in negative ways and I think that's a big part of it. Without negative consequences as a deterrent, people will just continue to behave in such selfish ways. 

What would be better is if we severly punished cheating (regardless of the gender or financial status) and rewarded loyalty and piety. But of course then a lot of people would actually have to use discipline and in our times of instant gratification, people aren't WILLING to do that.

Yet that's ironically exactly why we are unhappier every year.

A few years ago, the biggest killers for mankind were heart disease and a few others and depression was #5. Now, depression is already #2 and in countries like Japan, most people already gave up on love completely. People there only marry for companionship (like a friend who then becomes like a room mate) or don't marry at all. And suicide rates are sky-high. 

Just a few days ago, I read that oved ⅔ of men in Western countries are single and sexless. Women of course are not (no wonder, if you have no morals and more than one candidate), but 50% of them are also said to be perma single by 2030. 

Especially women often claim they don't care, they enjoy being "alone", although in my experience, alone to them usually means they still have lots of friends, colleagues, pets, family, etc. That's NOT being alone! Being alone means you are really all alone, no one around. 

I don't know, maybe I need to learn to enjoy those superficial, hollow shadows of "love". But I feel like I can't. I simply find it utterly boring and unfulfilling to have sex with strangers or to kiss a hundred women I don't give a rat's ass about. 

A day with depression

I wake up around 8 because Jonesy wants food. After giving him some, I go back to bed because it's still 2 hours until my alarm rings. I seem to feel ok, probably just sleepy.
I wake up again around the time the alarm rings, but still feel sleepy because of the Melatonin spray. I check if any work is online already, but there is none, so I re-set my alarm to noon. Around noon, there still isn't any work, so I go back to sleep or maybe I simply missed the alarm? Anyways, when I wake up again, it's already 3:30pm. I feel ok, other than having missed the day. As usual, one of the first things I do is to check my phone for messages and update my email (chasing for a simple dose of dopamine?). Jonesy comes to the bedroom and cozies up on the sheep fur rug near my bed.  Jones then complains about hunger again, but I see that he already had 1 and a half whole portions of cat food, so I know it's not real hunger.
I wash my sweet potatoes that I have to cook today (my sour cream is about to expire), poke some holes in them and put them in the oven. I wash my hair and with the towel still on my head, I take out some garbage to the trash can. Jonesy follows me and I walk around with him, wondering how a cat feels all day and if he ever feels depressed. In front of the house, my dad is talking to a neighbor and an old ftiend. I stick around a little longer than I actually have to (probably missing having any kind of social interaction with someone who isn't an intermediate family member) before heading back inside.

While I wait for the potatoes, I start to watch the remainder of "The War Between Men and Women". But as usual, I am not very good at focusing on anything on the screen. I reply to messages on Whatsapp while watching, talking to my friend. Our conversation makes me smile and feel better a bit (at this point, although I seem to feel ok, the cloud of depression seems to hang above my head already). But I also feel sad because I am still sitting there alone.

After the movie is over (for a comedy, it was actually a bit depressing), I start to watch Southpark. Now my mood seems to be dropping already, because I can't really focus at all and I seem to wait for the episode to end, only to watch yet another. I also finish my Pepsi Max Lemon and after 2 episodes, I drink my self made Jasmine milk tea. This is supposedly the highlight of my day, but I can feel that it's not working. Even though I actually laugh a few times, I feel lonely and empty inside, asking myself if there's even a point to continue to watch if I can't feel sincere joy?
If my mood started at a solid 7, it's now closer to a 3. I switch off my tv and try to focus on cuddling with Jonesy, but I can't stop to feel like I am lying to myself.

Instead of doing anything productive, everything I do and did so far just seems utterly pointless. Watching a movie didn't do much for me. Eating? It didn't taste as good as it should. Same for my drink. And although a puzzle usually helps me to focus, this time I seemed to switch between puzzle, tv and phone.

Now I decided to go for a walk in the dark to get some exercise because I do feel it sometimes helps a little bit. And I wonder if I feel more depressed if I didn't get to leave the house all day.

I really often wonder how other people live and survive. Why don't they go through those emotional rollercoasters all day? Or do they? Am I just super weak and can't see any purpose in my life? Or am I actually super strong and anyone in my position would have long killed themselves?

Now I am almost back home, although I don't have much to look forward to. I'll probably go upstairs to my father to talk and feel less lonely before I ultimately have to go downstairs again. Then I will probably watch more movies or shows in the hope that I can enjoy it this time (because only if you enjoy something, it can distract you) and play the same game I played for months, although I have tons of other games I never even started. But I don't know if that's because I worry I woulf waste a good game on a bad mood or if I just can't seem to start new things easily.
After that, I will go to bed eventually, telling myself I would read, but as usual, I will probably browse mindlessly on my phone and watch something again before going to sleep and repeating it all.

And even if I have work tomorrow, what's it really like? Basically not that different: me, staring at a screen while watching/listening to a movie or show, doing my job until it's done, then eating something and watching more stuff before playing the mindless game or puzzling again? And depending on how well I feel, it will be somewhat satisfying or pointless?
Is this my life forever? I just don't see the point to it :(. 

How dating has changed

Is it just me or has dating and having a relationship changed a lot in the last 20-30 years?

When I was very little, if I liked a girl, I would usually make a card or, once I could write, send her a "love" letter in which I told her that she seems nice and interesting and that I would like to know her better and if she could imagine being my girlfriend. 

All but one never even replied to me! And the one who did said that I seem too crazy at times. I sent her another letter, asking follow-up questions, but she didn't respond anymore.

Basically, I thought couples are made by going to the cinema together, talking a bit and then you'd just see each other a lot or do homework and other stuff together. Eventually, you'd walk home holding hands, kiss each other, cuddle and hug and at a certain age and after many months, you might have sex together. 

I also naively assumed or thought that my first girlfriend would hopefully be my last. And that women - just like me - were just looking for someone to spend a lot of time with, so we wouldn't be alone and face the challenges of getting older together.

Well, now it's 20+ years later. None of the people I knew in school seem to have married the girls or boys they dated back in school. And as for me, all my girlfriends lived overseas. Except for two, I also never got to spend more than a few days or weeks with them. 

The first girlfriend I ever had was pretty much everything I didn't want or expect in a partner. She was promiscuous, selfish, materialistic and spoiled. I thought back then that being honest, kind and sincere is the way to get and keep a partner, but it seems that in fact the opposite is true: Only men who always flirt and have many women around them seem to be interesting to women (the same way a kid ignores a toy it takes for granted until another kid has fun playing with it). My second girlfriend even confirmed this to me by saying something along the lines of:

"You never hit me, lie or cheat: You're not a real man!"

She and my first girlfriend both just "kept" me until someone "better" came along (something that's called monkey-branching" as I learned some years ago) and the second one actually tried to ask me back and sabotage a new relationship actively.

Those experiences then made me angry, disappointed and bitter. I had grown up, being taught by my grandma and mom that women are more mature and less selfish (when in fact, they weren't and aren't at all).

Their behavior taught me to be just like them: never really commit, keep "life boats" around and many back-up candidates to date. 

The problem with that was that I really didn't want that. I also felt it's unfair to punish others for what people did to me (although others don't seem to have such scruples).

But I also couldn't unlearn reality. 

For me, once I really love a person, I can't just change my feelings. It took me 8-9 years to get over the woman I had a relationship with 2012-2013. And I sometimes feel it broke something inside me. Maybe the ability to trust women.

I don't know if I am like other men in my approach to relationships, but I think relationships or marriage are not just love, that's just the start. It's rather about living together day by day, going through the daily routine and maybe getting bored together as well. But that's normal and I think we must remind ourselves constantly that although all of us could break up and find someone new, why would and should we?

Humans need other humans. And we only have a limited time on this planet. So we don't have time to waste by always breaking up over minor bullshit. If life was a board game, instead of trying to win, that's like voluntarily going back to start. Only a fool or loser would do that.

Sadly, with Western feminism, women these days usually waste their 20s and 30s sleeping around. By the time they are too old to have kids (and that's late 20s actually!), they lose one big selling point, to be able to create a family with a man.

And also, why should men want women at 35-45? Personally, I did date almost only such women in the last 10 years, thinking that they at least are more mature, appreciative and done playing around and grateful for a stable relationship. But nope, they actually seem to have the maturity of 12 year olds. Still easy to quit, afraid of responsibility and easy to succumb to any temptation.

That's why I started to think in the last couple of years if there actually is a point to dating these days:

Can't have kids, because the woman would surely leave sooner or later.

Can't be with someone older either, even if I gave up on kids, because they also still want to "browse". 

It's just something I can't understand. Why do they keep looking for new things? Or expect some butterflies or something? Those "butterflies" are actually just the start and it's normal and good if they vanish with time. Once the routine sets in, it actually means the mature part of the relationship is starting. 

So maybe the conclusion is that people are just not mature anymore? Me, I just want to have a nice girl by my side who will always appreciate me, because I know I will appreciate her and never leave. I will force myself to resist any temptation, although I am realistic enough to know that there might be many. But that's why being mature is usually harder than being selfish and childish. 

What hasn't changed since childhood is that I want a partner not for sexual or financial gain. I just want someone who can be my spiritual, emotional and philosophical equal! But it seems that that's not something anyone wants to "settle" for these days.

Depressions

Depressions are a complicated illness. The definition of what a depression even is is already quite complicated.

Some people call it a depression if they feel sad after failing a test or they had a break-up for example. 

To me, that's not a depression. A depression to me is something that has no apparent reason (because that's how it seems to have started for me) and that's what makes it so difficult to fix or fight. How do you fix something if you don't know what or how it is broken?

I probably was born with this condition. I always remember that my grandmother told me that when I was only five, I asked her why I am alive and why I can't be dead. That's obviously not a good thing for a child of just 5 years. 

It is possible that I was actually feeling depressed because my parents had divorced when I was 4,5 years old. But it's also possible that I felt this way because depression seems to run in my family (my grandfather's father and grandfather both committed suicide by hanging themselves, my grandpa often said he wants to die and kill himself too and my grandma, mom and aunt all have depressions). 

Still, aside from the occasional Sunday Blues and once in a while a few sad and depressed and joyless days, I seemed to be ok. If I did feel depressed, I could usually overcome this sadness by trying to be positive and reminding me of the good things in my life.

That all changed one day in, I think 2003. From one day to the next and without ANY change in my life, suddenly I felt complete anhedonia (anhedonia is when you basically can't feel ANY joy whatsoever, no matter what you do) and being positive or "strong" didn't matter in the least. The situation simply wouldn't improve. I woke up every day, sensing that the cloud of depression still hung above my head. I started to suffer from insomnia, because I was terrified to go to sleep before I was so exhausted that I would pass out. If I wasn't exhausted, I would keep thinking and pondering and soon come to the conclusion that life is pointless and I'd embrace pure nihilism and basically come to the conclusion that I should kill myself. Obviously, I didn't actually want to die, but I dare anyone to live 1 year without ANY joy. Eventually, no matter how strong you are, you'll give up.

This is what happened to me as well. I tried to stay hopeful and positive. But day after day, week after week, month after month, the situation didn't improve or change. I had no idea why. Up until then, I had been an avid reader for example and would read thousands of pages each month. Yet thanks to this depression, I couldn't concentrate anymore and thus couldn't really read. In the turn of a hand, I had lost 50% of what I loved to do (reading). 

Finally, and again for no apparent reason, the depression seemed to disappear, just like it had come out of nowhere. Again, nothing had really improved or changed in life. So what the heck was the reason behind it? 

A therapist suggested that it may have been my mother who "caused" it. I was living with her and my brother at that time. I still went to school and so did my brother. 

My mom worked and I was responsible for some household chores, but also my brother. If he didn't do his homework, if he broke a vase or didn't clean his room, it was me who got blamed. If I dared to speak up, my mom threatened to kick me out. So I basically learned to surpress all my anger and emotions (thus maybe creating the depression, according to the therapist). 

Rationally, this seems to make sense. I did feel unhappier every week with this situation, because if you can never vent and are always "responsible", even if you didn't do anything, that's not exactly nice or fun. But it doesn't explain why this depression would basically come out of nowhere. It should have already shown signs or harbingers and there weren't any.

Finally, after travelling on my own to Indonesia in 2006 and after working my first real job in 2005, I had decided that maybe it's best to be "kicked out" and I moved to my father. 

I didn't seem to be depressed then and the next few years were more about my job training and starting work. 

Still, the shadow of depression kept lurking and it had never fully dissipated. Again for no reason, the depression kept coming back at the oddest times. Everytime I thought I had found out what might cause it (my mom, loneliness, other things), it seemed to prove me wrong by being completely arbitrary!

One study from the 50s claims that anhedonia and depression are caused by a chemical imbalance in our brain. 

Basically, every human needs neurotransmitter such as dopamine, serotonin, noradrenaline and seraltin. Noradrenaline or seraltin for example are needed for us to get out of bad or feel motivation. If you remove all of those hormones in a humans brain, this human CAN'T do anything because it's as if you ripped out a bugs legs. You basically immobilized him or her.

It's similar with the other hormones. Serotonin and Dopamine are actually similar. Without them, you are completely incapable of feeling any joy. But while serotonin can make u feel happy, it will "stop" when you felt enough joy. Dopamine is much more dangerous, because you can easily overdose.

Any drug is based on dopamine. Shopping, gambling, drinking or any addiction are all related to dopamine! The problem is that our brain has receptors for this hormone. But if you overdo it (like when you take drugs, gamble, have too much sex, etc), they grow. Now you need more and more dopamine. That's why people overdose and that's also why we feel less and less joy, although we do more and more things that should make us happy. 

Basically, you have to imagine you pour water in a glass. If the glass is small, you fill it fast. But if the glass is the size of a bucket, the same amount of water won't fill it. You need more and more for less and less results.

I explain all this because I am still confused if my depression actually has a cause and reason (in which case I could solve the reason and should heal) or if my depression is completely hormonal. If it's hormonal, I couldn't do a thing, other than taking medicine!

If you have diabetes, your period or cancer, being positive also doesn't mean jack shit! It won't change your physical status. 

And this is what scares me and drives me crazy. I simply don't know. 

Either I have a depression that is utterly out of my hand. A sucky perspective, especially because I believe we can be the masters of our own fate. If we can't, life seems pointless.

Or it's possible that I am just too weak/strong. That maybe person B or C could easily get over "my" depression, but I can't, because I am either too weak. Or because I am paradoxically too strong and overshoot. That I basically already solved it, but fool my own mind into thinking I didn't.

Even as I write this, my head hurts because I can't know the answer. Both are possible and impossible at the same time, like Schroedingers cat! 

The reason I bring it up at all is that since that time, whether I took meds or didn't, I never seemed in "control". I tried to ditch the meds a couple of times. Sometimes, I could live for months or even years without it. Then again, I needed them to have even a resemblance of a life. 

As of recent, I stopped taking them for a couple of days during my trip to Indonesia because I felt content and fine. And yet the result seemed to be that on my birthday, I had an utterly nihilistic outlook on life (basically, nihilism is when you believe in nothing and consider everything in life utterly pointless) and when I started to take them again, that outlook changed again.

This week, I ran out of my meds on Monday and by Thursday, I fell into pieces. The same comedy show I enjoyed for weeks suddenly seemed stupid and boring to me, the characters annoying and dumb. And yet after a good (?) cry, only hours later, watching the same show, I suddenly enjoyed everything and genuinely laughed.

This simply doesn't make any sense. Emotions can't change on such a whim! You can't hate something with a passion one moment and without any momentum love or like it the next, only to hate it again yet one more moment later!

What really makes this illness such a curse to me is that it basically makes our entire life an exercise in futility! What possible point can a life have in which you don't actually control how you feel? Where for example you have kids and win the lottery, but your brain tells you "nope, you don't feel happy, we don't care that logically, you should!"?

If I can't live my life without medication and control what I feel, I am basically a slave to very arbitrary twists of fate. And I think nobody can or wants to live life that way, simply because you no longer have any reason to make plans or goals.

Why should we for example dream of having a house if a disease like depression can rob us from any joy or feeling of fulfilment we could feel if we achieve that goal?

Why should we have children or marry or work and have a career if we won't get a positive feeling out of it?

I really think nobody can live this way. 

Schopenhauer is probably right when he says that life is nothing but a series of suffering. But IF life was nothing but suffering, certainly humans would just keep killing themselves? There must also be another side to it, a side where we actually CAN control some of it. 

I just can't decide or be sure how...

Emotional Trust

Everyone of us knows that trust is very important any relationship. Usually, when we talk about trust, we mean things like not stealing from each other, not backstabbing each other or not to cheat on each other. 

But what about emotional trust?

Many people don't seem to know or understand emotional trust. To me, emotional trust is basically the knowledge that you can have sincere faith in someone else's feelings, the knowledge that their feelings are real and pure and won't change on a whim! 

A good example was me and my ex-girlfriend M. 

M and I had been dating for 4-6 weeks when she told me that she really loves me. I felt happy and it seemed safe to open up my heart for her and so I did.

A few days after, I was moving to my new place of residence and on the way, M picked a huge fight with me for no reason at all. Despite her "true love", she apparently had no problem dumping me and not looking back. 

To me, this came as a shock, because if I love someone, it's a sincere feeling like hunger or thirst or freezing. You can pretend not to feel it, but it's there and real!

Eventually, we got back together the same evening, but I had a problem now. 

Because for me, it's absolutely impossible that I would leave someone I love! I couldn't! Yet M could. So although I felt like she might love me, I now couldn't be sure anymore, EVER! I had felt sure before too that she couldn't possibly leave me and yet she did. So my mind told me that it's only a matter of time until she will leave me again and that ergo her feelings are NOT sincere!

The emotional trust (the trust in the sincerity of her emotions) had now been shattered and destroyed. 

To this day, I don't know what her real reason for being with me has been. But thanks to this spontaneous glimpse at how easy it was for her to go, I now no longer had faith that she is someone I could ever marry or rely upon.

Over the years that followed, I saw similar things happen with other women. And I don't know if it's just really bad luck or if basically all women are like this (but I fear they are). 

Women just grow up differently than men. Women usually don't have to deal with a lot of rejection and usually easily get what they want. And if they don't, it's often because they set their goals too high. 

Compared to men, women get constant affirmation, compliments and have their ego stroked and flattered. I assume this is why they have such emotional immaturity. How and why could you become a person that really knows themselves and what they actually want and feel if all your life, you can be an (emotionally) spoiled brat? Your parents usually have to love you and most men have been raised by women and thus believe that being kind and nice and unselfish is the way to win a woman's pure love (while in reality, I think the better you treat her and the more unselfish you are, the more she will take you for granted).

This is ultimately my conclusion with M too. When she was sure that I love her unconditionally, she would easily walk away from me, similar to someone in a casino who gambles away millions but knows that they have rich parents who will ultimately shield them from harm or consequences.

But as soon as M saw that I was actually just voluntarily nice and kind because I actually loved her and that I could easily have other options (not that I wanted them, I didn't love them!), she fought for me or felt jealous. 

It's this illogical logic I can't understand. I can guess where it stems from (upbringing, society, a lack of consequences), but I don't understand why women don't ever seem to learn that this behavior is bad for them as well. 

At a certain age, even women can't be as reckless anymore as they are when they are younger. But instead of learning to appreciate sincerity and repaying it with sincerity (still a good deal for them, given that many women still won't support men financially or have to put in more than men), they continue their bratty ways and blame men or the world if they end up poor, lonely and unhappy or men just see them as sex objects.

M seems to still be alone as well, as far as I know. It seems she hasn't learned about emotional trust. 

And it's too easy to break this trust. All it takes is to say you love someone and then taking it back with words or actions!

New Year's Eve

I never liked New Year's Eve. I can't say why, as I recall, I still somewhat enjoyed it when I was a child, remembering having Raclette (melted cheese with potato) with my grandparents and their friends, plus I got to stay up until midnight (which usually was impossible for me at that age).

I think I started to dread the day after a very lonely and depressing New Year's Eve in 2004(?) that I spent all by myself in my mom's apartment with only our cat. It was during the height of my depression and I felt so alone and miserable that I just wanted to die and seriously contemplated to kill myself (but thank god I started reading the Bible instead). 

So since then, I never really liked this day and was happy when it was over. I did get to spend a few New Year's Eve's with someone, like 2006 with my ex-girlfriend Dinar or 2013 with Jasmin. But even then, I wasn't 100% happy (although I felt much better, so it might be the loneliness of this day). 

What is it about this day that makes us feel alone? Is it really any different than other days? I don't feel that way on Christmas or the 30th of December. 

Maybe it's because it is the end of another year. It's showing us the final tally for the year, everything we did and didn't achieve.

As for me, there isn't much I achieved in 2022. I mostly just worked and slept a lot. The few highlights (going to Indonesia, meeting my friends, being in touch with my Japanese friend again, meeting the cat Jonesy) seem few in comparison to what could have been.

But then I also wonder, what is it that I expected? What could I have done that I didn't do? What can any of us do? I couldn't marry anyone and even if I did, that would be just between me and that person.

I don't have this feeling my friends seem to have where they actually feel really happy with the person they have. Maybe that's because I haven't had anyone special in such a long time? 

But I also wonder if having someone is what I really want or expect. I think what I really miss is mostly human contact, conversation, etc. You don't necessarily need a girlfriend for that. 

And yet I also wouldn't know where to begin to make a male friend these days. People in general seem so interchangeable and generic, nobody really seems very interesting. 

So maybe it's all those things that New Year's Eve is reminding me of?