Lonely Sunday(s)

It's Sunday again. I feel lonely. 

Yesterday, I went to the store with my mother around noon. We spent the afternoon in the garden, reading and talking. Later, her friend joined us, we had dinner together and then read some more before watching an episode of "Our planet" (a nature show).

The moment she left, I already felt more lonely. Why is that? 

If I ask friends or people, they never seem to feel alone much. Do they have a better social life? What is it that others seemingly never feel bad to be alone, but I often do?

Sometimes, it really doesn't bother me that much, but then it often does, rather out of the blue. This confuses me. Shouldn't I either feel alone all the time or never by that logic?

And what about the future? Would I feel better if I was married? Living together?

I do remember feeling happier when I lived with my girlfriends 2012-13 and 2015. Or when my ex girlfriend and her sister visited us for 4-5 days in 2017. But I also immediately dropped into a deep depression the day after they went back. 

Maybe that's why I feel comfort and familiarity in tv shows about families. They show me what life could be like with family life.

I never really had that when I was a kid. My parents divorced when I was 4,5 years old, so my few memories before that are hazy at best. But maybe that's why I have this strong urge for family? My mother has it too though and she grew up with a mother and father (and her sister). 

I envy those with family life, like my brother or some friends. It's just a different feeling if you're not always sitting alone in your garden or living room. Things are less fun alone. If they're any fun at all. 

But where is my future? And with whom? Is it risky to have just a wife (she could die or leave)? Would it be better to live together with friends? But they might leave us too. It just seems like life is too unpredictable for us to avoid this feeling. Still, I don't understand why it mostly seems to hit me over the weekend. I don't have any work to do, I don't have any chores waiting for me tomorrow. And yet I feel this emotional stress of being alone. 

A dark cloud

Since Sunday, I feel deeply depressed and hopeless (again). It feels as bad as it last had been in January. But back then, I didn't have my medicine, so I thought that might have been why.

This time, I really don't know what happened. I woke up after a long sleep. I had some pizza, watched some of my favorite episodes of "Modern Family" and read a book outside in our garden. My mother stopped by and we had a nice talk. The day seemed great. Then I went for a walk before heading home and watching some tv before bed.

But while I sat in front of the tv, my mood dropped like an anvil out of an airplane. I went from "feeling ok" to "I have no hope at all, everything is hopeless, joyless and miserable" in moments.

I couldn't focus on the tv anymore and sat on the couch, almost catatonic. Then I cried. I cried a lot and hard. 

Jonesy, my cat came back. He looked kind of scared when he saw me crying, so I tried to keep it together so I wouldn't scare him. But once he was inside, I fell apart again and cried. 

He came to me once or twice to rub his head against mine, but I am not sure if he actually understands sadness. Our previous cat did, but not every cat is the same. 

Eventually, after crying for some time and already contemplating killing myself, I slowly started to feel a little better. 

I kept thinking why I feel this way. Previously, I thought my depression was triggered by a lack of sleep. But I slept long enough. So I was thinking if maybe my work that would continue on Monday was the reason? It's divided in task 1 and task 2. Task 2 is more work, but pays more. I always push myself to do 400 of task 2 every day. But especially since my pay was cut by 20%, it seems it's more and more work for less and less pay. They also don't drop the tasks at any fixed time and instead it could be any time. I had been waiting until 5am that Sunday to see if there's some work, but finally fell asleep around 7. At 9 or 10, I woke up (had to) to do my work, so I can get enough tasks to reach my target. 

The more I think about it, the more I wonder if it's really worth it. I mean, getting some money is important, but how did Indio say in "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly"?

"IF YOU WORK FOR A LIVING, WHY DO YOU KILL YOURSELF WORKING?"

I frankly feel kind of lost. My job isolates me and my life is almost like the life of a prisoner. Because of work, I am basically stuck at home all month. I can't even join my father on day trips or to the store because he wants to go in the early day and I am usually busy until the evening or night. I can't visit my mother or grandmother because of it. 

I don't have any friends in Germany that I could meet or visit or who could visit me. 

So basically, I have no social life or outlet. That can't be good! 

Maybe that's why I wish I could have a partner. Someone to just be there, someone I can talk to. 

I am so used to constantly distracting myself and multi-tasking that I must be tense all the time without realizing it anymore. This can lead to stress and that stress can lead to depression again.

Still, I am not sure if that's why. It would explain something, but it's just a theory.

On Tuesday evening, it was almost as bad as on Sunday again. Wednesday, I felt better (it was my day off, I could sleep more) and I visited my mother until the evening. 

But today (Thursday), although I felt ok in the morning, I could feel all day that a dark cloud was hanging over my head. That's how I would describe this feeling. You basically know or can feel that no matter what you do now or want to do later, you probably won't be able to enjoy it!

I think that's also the reason why many depressive people commit suicide. How could ANYONE live life if they know that every day, they are not capable of feeling joy? That no matter what logic they use, they won't be able to feel happy? Or feel hope? Or motivation? 

I really wish there would be some way to fix it once and for all. I would give whatever I could to get rid of this feeling. I would move into a slum if I had a guarantee to be depression free forever. 

But alas, that's unfortunately not how it works. And I really don't have the energy anymore to go through all of this :(. What's the point of my life if I can't feel normal or happy or help anyone?