Dating and Relationships

Is it normal that dating and trying to be with someone is changing? Or is it just my personal experience?

20 years ago, it seemed new, it seemed fun. You met people, you would have a coffee or tea somewhere and talk. You would get to know each other better by talking in person (sometimes SMS) and think about each other and feel excited to meet. And if things progressed, you looked forward to or enjoyed the first time you held hands, the first kiss, the first time you saw each other naked or made love.

But maybe it's the repetition? I hardly feel excited about any of it anymore. I had many first kisses or hand-holdings. And sex? I honestly don't see or understand the appeal anymore. It's really a super boring and pointless activity if you don't have deeper feelings.

Maybe it also depends on what exactly it is that makes us feel excited or in love? Frankly, I envy the people who easily believe they're in love and who feel nervous and excited all the time. Personally, I think it's been a "whooping" 3 times in my life that I felt really excited and exilerated when I had a partner. Is that normal? Or is simply something wrong with me? Other people seem to be so excited to meet someone or even nervous. I felt that exactly twice in my life. 

Maybe it's the lack of the unknown. Dating has become like flying or riding a bike or other things that become "normal" and a routine. 

But if that's the case, shouldn't all people feel that? Shouldn't all people around 40 be bored with it? Disillusioned? 

Sometimes I think why I even want a relationship. I think I hope for someone who can understand me, but also someone I can truly feel proud to have as a partner, someone who just feels right. And obviously, I hope that they feel the same way. But that seems difficult, because people don't seem all that interested anymore in deep conversations. Most women I know are paralyzed by fear and insecurity. Because they were hurt before, they seem to actively fight themselves to fall deeply in love and want to "control" their feeling. But not only is that unfair if the other person doesn't, it also can't work. 

And yet being just all alone doesn't seem to be an option either. Other people seem to have some physical or chemical effect on us that's calming and helps to create or stabilize happiness and joy. 

Maybe my friend is right and I should take a break from it all? Even if I get to know someone who seems interesting, they usually live far away and are in no position to visit me or would. And I have done it too many times with little to no success that it's my top priority unless that person can really convince me they're serious. 

Why does it always seem to be so one-sided or up to one person to do everything or the majority of the effort? Why can't it be balanced? Everything in the universe is. And I think for us pitiful humans, it has to be the same. 

Is love just pure luck?

Lately, I saw people online that I went to school with. All of them seem to be in a relationship, many married. Some also have kids. All seem to have good jobs too. 

It made me think about relationships and life. How much of it is really dependent on luck? On our personality? 

Some of those girls or boys were pretty bad/selfish people. Why do they seem to succeed at all these things and I/friends of mine don't?

Relationships and love in general seem to have changed a lot or were never like I thought they are.

For me, a relationship was always something that requires equal effort, risk and investment.

But from what I have seen in reality, most relationships are deeply unhealthy, with one side always giving or risking more. This isn't just unfair, but it also seems bad for the person that gives less and takes more.

If we get something too easily, we usually take it for granted or don't appreciate its value. We won't fight for it or worry about losing it.

People basically seem to fear to "depend" on someone emotionally or financially. And I understand the financial fear (although in a relationship, you should have trust), but not the emotional fear. 

Don't you want a partner who would feel crushed if he lost your love? A partner who couldn't bear to be without you? And isn't it much safer if you both feel that way? Sort of a Cold War situation, where both sides don't wipe each other out, because there can't be a winner?

Over 20 years, I have tried to build a functioning relationship. I know I have a fear of abandonment and an anxious attachment style. I share the same fear of rejection, being abandoned or hurt that most women have. But I keep trying. I don't say "I tried and got hurt, now the women must come to me and take the risk alone", because first of all, that's not fair to them, second, it's unrealistic and third, it wouldn't be good for me either.

Still, I wonder, why do other people not seem to have this problem? Does it just seem that they have love and a true relationship? Is it only working, because one (probably the man) is involved far more and does far more, risk far more? 

I have seen so many women sabotage their happiness when their desires and actions just don't match. Women who say they want a family, a partner, true love. But then they were far too negative, too pessimistic and too afraid to truly trust someone, open their heart and love and be loved. 

Most men these days seem to have given up on women. They claim to be happy alone, but I don't know if we can be. 

The same goes for women. While I don't know if they have given up, they also claim to be happy alone. 

Now, men and women may seem to define alone different. I know women who have kids or live with family considering themselves "alone" (which they definitely aren't), while men who are alone usually literally are alone, without friends or family or even pets.

But no matter how they define it, I think our human nature makes it impossible for anyone of us to truly be happy completely alone and isolated.

So I don't understand why people make it so difficult for each other to build a life together and a relationship that can last for life. 

Of course it is "easier" to be single, because you don't have to consider others feelings or needs. You can just be selfish. But in my experience, going for the easy thing is usually unsatisfying and it leads to short-lived happiness.

Real happiness requires risk, work, effort and...well, risk! You need to be willing to take the same risk of potentially getting hurt time and time again and learn with the experience. If you are unwilling to do that, why would you deserve that someone takes this risk for you? How would you appreciate it?

It's just all very depressing. I think many people could have a healthy and happy relationship if only they were willing to put in the effort, take the risk... basically, treat people how they want to be treated. 

But is that really necessary? I know from those people I went to school with that some of them were absolutely selfish jerks (male or female). And yet it seems they found happiness with ease/without the struggle I or friends of mine have. What does this ultimately mean? Is finding true love really just a game of chance?