Love = A bad investment?

What is love?

I used to think that love is a mutual, shared feeling. Like the feeling a parent feels for their child and the child reciprocates without condition.

Alas, after 34 years of life experience, I have to say that that's not the case. 

Love seems to be more like a childish game, involving a lot of one-sided, selfish demands. Things like wanting attention, acknowledgement, sex, financial or material support/reward.

Why is it like this? Has it always been this way? If yes, why is Hollywood and Co trying to tell us lies about a romantic love that is a really bad, one-sided risk?

These days, as a guy, what is it that we want?

Sex? 

Sure, some guys seem to live for just that. But that's not all of us. And even those who chase sex get lonely and want some constants. Guys are human too, we hope for company or someone who understands us and makes us feel wanted and appreciated.

So wouldn't it be fair if in return for providing that, a guy would receive that, without expiration date?

But women lose interest quickly and easily. Oddly enough, they don't like guys that don't pose a challenge. 

Sure, they might "love" a guy for some time. But that's until the novelty wears off and they stop "loving" him.

Personally, I don't think women can love men unconditionally. There might be very few exceptions who can, but those women in my opinion are women who think and feel like men. 

I can't speak for all men and I am not trying to say men are better (they aren't), but it's been proven scientifically that men suffer more(and longer) from break-ups or divorce. 

I never knew a man who cared about the social status, job or education of a girl. They just wanted either a pretty or a nice girl (or both). And they didn't care if the girl has money.

Now women...well, they do care. And they shouldn't. Why does it matter how much a guy earns or what his job or status is, if you love him as a person? And if not, would you like it if a guy loved you for your tits, your cash or your penthouse? And would dump you if you didn't have it?

Real intimacy and closeness happens if we make ourselves completely vulnerable, if we bare our soul to another person. Can you do that? Can you share every pro and con with someone else, trusting them not to judge or use it against you? If not, why?

I often heard from women they don't want to get hurt. Well, guess what, neither do men:). But if neither side is willing to take a risk, nothing will happen.

The number of women who are single or divorced in their 40s, 50s, 60s keeps rising. Men too. It seems that relationships are now simply seen like an investment:

With the least possible risk and effort, people want the highest yield. 

I blame this partially on instant gratification (google it if you don't know the term). People have been spoiled. Our grandparents didn't have all these options and choices, that's why their relationships lasted. Was it all perfect? No. Would they have broken up if they lived today? Most likely. 

But even all you people who are in relationships now or married and it's been 5 years or 10...are you sure it will last forever? I doubt it. One side (almost always the guy) has to make more compromises and eventually, that side will get tired of it(or the other side will). 

I do believe in men and women as yin and yang. As two halves, creating one complete whole. But it seems that's a pipe dream. You can call me bitter, misogynistic or nihilistic. But it's what I've seen and experienced countless times. And it sickens me. It's just so immature of us to let our patty insecurities and selfish emotions get the best of us and destroy our chance to find happiness WITH someone without the constant fear that they might leave us tomorrow, although we were married 47 years. 

Love is a feeling. But it can also be a choice. If you think you love someone, how can you feel like one day, you don't? That just means you never loved that person to begin with and lied to yourself. Or you still love them and are just too lazy or afraid to continue, because routine set in. But guess what... that routine... that's a sign of a good investment...

Sad Christmas

This is my first Christmas without visiting my grandparents at their own home. It doesn't really feel like Christmas at all :(. It's a very lonely, very depressing Christmas.

Growing up, I remember that when my parents still lived together, we celebrated Christmas as a family and with my parent's parents. As a young child, you are excited for Christmas and happy to have gifts, eat cookies or being able to watch good movies on tv.

But now as an adult and for the last couple of years, things have changed a lot. Christmas feels like just another day and I don't care about gifts or cookies. Streaming has killed tv and the abundance or oversupply of things to watch made me lose interest in watching things. Which is sad, because I watching movies like Home Alone or Die Hard as a family was always a tradition.

Maybe I feel unhappy because I feel this way in general lately. Maybe if I had a good partner to share my life with, I would feel happy or happier? That is my hope and wish at least. 

But I am also afraid. What if I would still feel depressed and sad if I had someone by my side? Is it just because I am alone and without a family? Or is it also how the world has changed?

A few weeks ago, I was still in Indonesia. I felt a stronger Christmas spirit there (which is ironic because there is no snow), but the country also has changed. 

10-15 years ago, I thought if I could move there,  life would be happier. But now and after living there 2018, I am not sure anymore. Probably because I am not sure what it really is that I/we(?) need to feel happy. Is happiness the company of others? Can we feel the same happiness people felt decades ago if we live a simple life with loved ones? Or have we as humans become so greedy and addicted to the internet, constant distractions and dopamine that happiness is just something we can't find anymore? 

I am starting to worry that it is the latter. I could do puzzles, play games, watch movies, travel...and yet I don't feel motivated to do anything these days. I just get up late in the morning and eat something and watch some tv while simultaneously playing puzzle games on my phone to pass the day, only to repeat that the next day. 

It's quite stupid, I think. I should use what little time I still have to spend with my grandparents and parents. Instead, I always seem to do nothing or wait for something (I don't know what) like for my real life to begin.

At least 20 years ago, I would keep myself busy by playing games, doing things with my family or brother or reading. Now I don't do much of that. Is it any wonder why I feel less happy?

I just wonder if other people feel the same way. Do they also feel bored? A lack of motivation? Do they feel life has become too easy and that because of that, life is now less joyful?

I really hope that I can spend my next Christmas with family and loved ones :(. I think we all should. I just wish I knew how to escape this feeling of hopelessness.

Women and paintings

Sometimes women ask me "what kind of woman do you like?" and I am never sure if they mean looks, personality or both.

For me, personality affects looks and vice versa. People who may be "pretty" by visual standards can still strike me as ugly if their attitude is awful and their behavior is assanine and selfish.

Most women seem to think that men like women, solely based on looks alone. I can't speak for all men, but that's not the case for me. 

When you go to malls, airports, any crowded place, you'll always see dozens or hundreds of women that attract your (visual) attention. But other than their look, what do we really know about them? 

Even if we meet a woman who is super pretty, given that there are millions like her, wouldn't we eventually get bored with that visual appearance?

When we buy art or a painting, we also do it for our visual pleasure. And although we may always appreciate the painting, we get used to it until we won't even notice it anymore.

I believe the same to be true for women. 

Just today at the airport, I easily saw 30-40 women that I'd find (sexually and visually) attractive. Obviously, even if we ignore that they'd all have to find me attractive too, what could I possibly do with all those women? Take them home, put them in our barn behind glass and store them like art? And even if I did or could, wouldn't I get "full" of looking at them the way I do with food?

Of course this is a constant battle between logical rationality and primal emotions like lust or desire, but I really think it's quite interesting how the changes on earth have intensified these emotions.

80 years ago, you wouldn't see so many women, ergo, you would never be so tempted. 

But now? You can easily "overeat" visually.

I do see some similarities to paintings. I bought maybe 2 dozen of them on my trip and it took me easily 1-2 hours to pick out all of them. I compared them by motive, quality of craft, etc. 

It's the same if I would be in a store for women (if that existed). I would compare them by hair, eyes, unique quirks like say a bump in the bone of her nose, etc. But it would literally be impossible for me to pick just one and say "this is my favorite". 

There are just so many aspects that make people unique. Looks can be one, but everyone has looks. Good looks, bad looks, average looks, but always looks. 

So looks can only hold my attention for a limited time. 

Yes, in times of those "swipe" apps, looks are usually the first impression, but they easily stop impressing me if the person underneath the look is not interesting or has a terrible attitude. 

It's the less tangible things that make me like someone or makes me want to know them well. Like when someone would have traits that seem to contradict each other at first, such as being a vegetarian, but enjoying hunting or being a wildly kinky person, but with very strict standards towards monogamy. 

So maybe it's good that women are not paintings. The paintings I bought in 2018 to sell are all still with me (except for a few I gave to family members as a gift) because I didn't want to sell them (at least not for the price I was being offered). They still give me joy when I look at them. 

Probably a barn full of women, kept as visual pleasure would no doubt do the same. But aside from the absurdity and impossibility of it, I think it would just be so much harder to even find the right kind of women that are both pleasing to the eye, but more importantly hold "long term" inner value. 

How dating changed (or has it?)

A few weeks ago, I was watching a movie from the early 00s. I was surprised to see how the male character and the female actually met at work, went out together, shared calls, etc.

Compared to today, they were very slow and actually got to know each other! Neither did they text or ask for their Instagram (also because it didn't exist) nor did they jump right into bed. I think even until the movie ended, it had been a few weeks and they had just held hands, kissed good night and MAYBE had sex after weeks or months.

It made me think how different dating is these days. I think my last date was in 2018(?) and we just went to the restaurant, talked and walked through the park. But now I feel like a dinosaur, compared to that. 

I am still used to times when you either met online and chatted or emailed for a while (and then met) or actually met in real life first (although I must admit, that rarely happened to me). 

I heard from friends that it's also REALLY difficult to meet someone these days. Either people ghost you quickly or they demand a lot or don't seem that interested and have a different priority.

I thought I should find out more, so I downloaded Bumble and Tinder (which I had already deleted in Germany, since you basically never get anywhere and women barely even talk or seem the least bit interested). 

And wouldn't you know, I did have 50+ matches already within a day (in Germany, I had maybe 10-20 in a year!). Almost all of them were Asian. One or two were Black/Caucasian.

The Caucasian, a Sheila from Australia who now lives in Singapore told me she is 45, divorced, kids. Her profile (if I remember correctly) said "looking for = not sure yet".

Now, I have a lot of red flags for dating. Being Caucasian is one of the first, but since I didn't actually plan to meet anyone or actually be with them, I pretended I was. 

Still, I thought: "What does this woman expect?"

We talked a bit about Singapore and how dating has changed. But after my last message in which I simply asked her what her impressions of the country were, she deleted me.

I really don't care, but it confirmed to me why I think dating Western people is pointless.

From a strictly rational point of view, I am a prize and she is not. She is too old to have kids(so I couldn't have a family with her). She already HAS kids (so it's basically guaranteed that she wouldn't ever actually love me, but just see me as a useful idiot while the kids always come first and I won't even be second). She is divorced (yeah, men can be jerks too, but 90% of all divorces are initiated by women, so it's quite likely that she is spoiled too).

Meanwhile, I am younger, probably have a few more years of looks in me (compared to hers which will just get worse) and I actually know what I want. She wrote she doesn't know yet, which to me means "I still want to fuck around, but it would be convenient to have a simp husband who is stupid enough to make my life easier while I cheat or chase other men".

Well, so much for her. The black lady lived in Bali. I thought she was on vacation, so after I knew she lives here, I asked her how she got her KITAS (Indonesian work and staying permit) and asked her in Indonesian what she hopes to find on Bumble. 

She wasn't amused that I used Indonesian. For me, I was actually doing it because I was pretty sure that like basically all foreigners here, she doesn't speak Indonesian, despite living here for quite some time. 

So, she deleted me too^^.

Those two incidents already showed me why I swore off white/foreign women since maybe 2004. They are almost exclusively spoiled and entitled bitches who want their cake and eat it too. They bring NOTHING to the table (a vagina doesn't count!), they think they ARE the table!

So let's move on to the Indonesians. 

As you may know or not, Bumble was (on paper at least) created so that women need to make the first step. A noble idea, right? Surely women, who constantly complain that men only say hi or how are you will be super creative when they write you? They are the gender that has the reputation to be great talkers.

Well...they are not! You're lucky if you actually get a hi or hey, some don't even say that, but send some totally random GIF. 

So yeah, if you start a conversation with me like that, for sure I won't try hard. So despite those 50+ matches, you quickly see that out of those 50, maybe 2-3 people actually are capable of having a conversation.

Sift out the hookers or ladyboys and there's really not much left.

There was one girl who seemed eager to actually meet. I said because I wait for my mom to come back from the spa, I can't come anywhere now, but she would be welcome to stop by here IF she is in the area anyway. I did not expect her to drive far or anything.

Sure enough, she was mad though, demanding effort. 

Sigh...girl, PAAAA-LEASEEE (rolleyes, gay catty attitude), I wasted so much money and time on making an effort. I flew around the world to meet perfect strangers, travelled in places I didn't know and where I couldn't speak the language. Why oh why should I make MORE of an effort than you to meet you? Are you the Empress of China? 

I really don't understand why most women seem to think they are special. I mean, I get why, society and men have spoiled women rotten, but I don't understand why at least some girls realise that and realise that always getting what we want actually makes us unhappy.

For sure this girl would be bored quickly and cheat or dump me if I made a lot of effort to court her. Heck, even with my own mom, I demand fairness and I am strict to her. So why the heck should I give more than 50%? Why should any men? 

Of course she deleted me right after, telling me how sexist and I evil and whatnot I am. But it didn't bother me. Even if this wasn't an experiment, I just don't see what the point of it all is. 

Women seem to think us guys just want sex and a pretty face.

Well, believe it or not, but even if I know a girl was willing, me as a man, I still get to refuse you! I still get to meet and say "sorry, your personality doesn't attract me", even if she is shocked I didn't like her huge cleavage pics or those weird pictures most girls have now where they seem to floss their vagina by pulling their bikini bottoms as high up their crack as possible. Gosh, just imagine if us guys posted pics where we pull up our speedos to the point we basically castrate ourselves and our balls plop out! Would girls find that sexy? If yes, I would be scared shitless of those girls!

On the plus side, I did find 2 friends I had lost contact with, so it wasn't a total bust. 

Still, I don't understand what the hell women expect these days. Most say they want nothing casual, but that's a total lie in half the cases. The girls who say "no one night stands" are usually the ones who want them the most.

And they assume WAY too much!

As Tony Randall puts it so eloquently, don't assume! It makes an ass out of u and me!

One other girl asked me to meet like 7 times over 2 weeks. I said ok, I asked where or what time. She NEVER replied, although she said she wants to meet. 

So I dared to question how serious she is. Despite knowing nothing about me, other than my looks, she said she likes me "so much" (yeah, right!).

So after she asked to meet 5 or 7 times, each time not answering or confirming, I said "kamu basa basi aja, harapan kosong aja, bukan serius" (basically like you just give false hope, empty promises, talk bullshit).

Oddly enough, THIS TIME she replied fast! She cursed me and said I would be "disgusting", just "wanting sex". 

Now, I never ever had mentioned anything about sex. In fact, I already had the impression from her photos (all in a bikini, big breasts, suggestive pictures) that she seemed easy and not serious. But because I don't want to assume only, I thought I will see if I am right or wrong.

Seeing how she said I would just want sex, I now think that it is actually her who usually has sex way too easily (and whether consciously or unconsciously, she posts such photos, knowing most men will see her as an easy lay) and that even a dull girl like her starts to understand that men only use her, because she just doesn't seem like the kind of girl you would want because she seems tainted or not serious. 

So I think that's why she projected her own insecurities and frustration on me, blaming me for just wanting sex, even though, again, as I mentioned, I never ever suggested that (and IF we would have met, I wouldn't touch a girl like her with a ten foot pole).

So yeah, I think dating these days is heavily influenced by many factors.

First of all, in times of Amazon or Tokopedia and Food delivery, people think dating should be as convenient as possible.

Just as with shopping before, where we actually had to go out to a store, compare items, etc, we used to do that for dates too. 

Now I feel if we had "GoFuck" or "PussyGrab", people wouldn't mind to order their fastfood boyfriend or girlfriend to their door. Why make ANY effort if efforts require...well, effort?

Maybe at this rate, we will soon have apps where you hit a botton and a drone flies in a vagina or penis, so people don't even have to leave their bed?

Other than convenience, I think the whole equality and neo feminism bullshit has ruined women. 

Women in my opinion NEVER were the victims. Sure, women had it harder in the past, but did the average guy back then have a good life?

A woman 3000 years ago was still valuable, because she could have kids. Empires needed kids to be soldiers or to bear them, so they had to give women some protection.

On the flipside, men always had to work hard or die in wars. When did women EVER have to do that? Why doesn't anyone mention that HUGE advantage?

For example, Bali is full of Russian and Ukrainian women right now. Why don't those lazy bitches fight for their respective country? Talk about being privileged!

So yeah, especially in the West, but also here, women just feel they are way too special. When being asked why they should be special, they usually say bullshit like "cos we must give birth, we must work too, etc".

Well, giving birth is a choice! No woman is being forced to have kids. So that's absolutely not anything that makes a woman special. And without a man, how can a woman even be pregnant;)?

And working? Well, women didn't have to work before when they had "no rights", so don't complain or make something sound like a chore if it is a "right" you fought for (but I know quite a few women who actually wouldn't mind to be kept and stay at women. But of course with none of the chores of a woman in the 1900s and ALL the privilege of a working woman).

I said it before, I say it again: our society and the majority of men who are just too naive and stupid have spoiled women rotten! If we don't force drastic consequences on women for lewd or bad behavior, of course they won't change! Women ever only behaved "fair" when they had to compete like men have to.

Why can a woman listen to her boss for example, but not her bf or husband? Because the boss can fire her or cut her salary, ergo, that's a consequence! A husband or bf can leave, but unlike finding a new job, finding a new bf is a matter of hours or less. For a new job, u also need credentials. If women had to tell a new bf about all her misbehaviour or cheating in advance, finding a new bf would be harder too.

For me, dating just has lost all its magic. It was special 20-30 years ago because we still treated it as something special.

Now, dating is dying and constantly changing. It's but a shadow of itself and I don't think it will improve any time soon. Things have to get far worse first. I hope it doesn't come to a complete segregation of the sexes, but rationally, I do think that neo feminism and government are pushing us toward that direction.

Turning 37

So I am 37 now. I don't like it, but I can't stop it.

Being yet another year older, I am thinking about (my) life and the world we live in.

Yesterday evening at the restaurant, but also previously at the various hotels we visited, I watched people around me. Most of them are glued to their smartphones, slave to the dopamine rush.

After I had to deal with depressions half of my life, I learned quite a bit about brain chemistry and how we basically function.

Since depression or it's worst form, anhedonia basically void you of any joy, you have to understand how our brain works.

If we eat, laugh, do enjoyable things (sex, games, music, movies, etc), our body releases dopamine. This hormone is then sent to our brain where dopamine receptors make us feel "happy".

Every drug and addiction in the world is based on it. Whether it's sex, trading stocks, gambling, shopping, those toxic social media apps or drugs and alcohol: All of them ruin our brain if we can't do it in moderation.

Given that most people these days use those utterly toxic and damaging apps such as Instagram or TikTok, it shouldn't be any surprise that people feel unhappier all the time.

Those apps send dopamine to your brain ALL - THE - TIME! The problem is that the receptoes can't handle so much. What happens? They grow! The exact same thing happens if you drink. Or if you gamble. Or if you use heroine. 

And while most people seem to understand that drugs are dangerous, nobody cares about how dangerous social media or free sex are. 

Social media lowers your attention span and makes you less capable of actually talking or making real connections with actual humans. Maybe you noticed how most people these days don't have much to say? Direct relation to that! Or maybe you noticed that people can't stay married or break up over any small stuff? Again, dopamine (or oxytocin).

Usually, if you have sex with a person, oxytocin (the love hormone) makes us feel like we bond with someone. This makes sense because sex wasn't invented for fun, but to make kids and kids need two parents.

Well, now that people have sex for fun and also never stay together (it's related), the same thing happens in the brain. After too much sex, a person (let's face it, it's almost only women, since 95% of men can't have sex whenever they want, while 99,99% of women can have sex whenever or wherever) can't pair bond anymore. Pair bonding is the ability to feel content and happy in a normal relationship.

After you fucked 50-300 men or had gang bangs every weekend, of course it seems "boring" to just have one person to sleep with for the rest of your life. The problem is that now those women (and the few men who can behave like women because 95% of women always chase them, even though many deny it or are unaware) feel unhappy eventually. This makes sense, because humans are social creatures. But again, if someone had too much sex, they would either have to detox themselves by not sleeping with anyone (or even dating) for 5 years or so (show me which woman would do that voluntarily!!!) or they will marry some dude they don't really love or care for (they can't, thanks to their sex drug abuse), while still being unhappy and still chasing that "dream bad guy" until they die. 

So yeah, there are many, many drugs these days. They all work the same, are simple to understand and explain and yet most of us keep using them (including me).

I remember though that after 30, I really grew weary of all this "having fun" or "dating". But since basically every woman these days is broken, where would I find a normal one? And if I did, am i actually normal enough? 

Since my last relationship ended in 2019, I didn't do the deed and yet I don't know if I detoxed enough. I still overuse my phone, I watch too many tv series or use sugar and sweet drinks or food as "drugs". Now those won't affect my pair bonding ability, but it can still affect how I date. If I can't learn to curb my use of those other drugs or to split them up in equal blocks (maybe more reading, less tv, less phone?), I might always be tempted to emotionally indulge in sleeping around or dating, even though rationally, I don't want any of that because I already KNOW that those things are boring, unhealthy and unfulfilling. 

Either way, I do feel getting older in this world sucks. I already am a rigid asshole, living by high standards or trying to and barely get it right (if I even do). So how could others with less will power? I fight a constant fight between what I think/know is right and what I feel in the moment. It's like I still worry to miss out on things, even though being here in Bali right now, I can remember well that when I had all those "options", I actually didn't use any of them. 

We all seem to worry we miss out on things or we compare ourselves to others. I feel I am in competition with everyone all the time and need to beat them or be better (although that seems like a primal and healthy instinct). But if I would say sleep with every woman I could sleep with, beat up every guy I can beat or date every girl I can date, it wouldn't help or improve me. It would just dig me in deeper into this ever deteriorating society we live in. And I can't be the only one who feels this world sucks now?