Halloween 🎃

Today is/was Halloween. Here in Germany, we never celebrated that (we celebrate the first of November as All Saints Day) since it's Irish, so it's not like a real holiday. But over the last 10 years or so, more and more people and especially children started to celebrate it or got dressed up for it and of course like to ask for candy. 

Since we don't celebrate it, I actually forgot when it is. So I was a bit surprised when I was working around 6pm and it suddenly knocked on my door. I opened it and saw a monster with a green face and a girl(?), asking me "Süsses oder Saures" which literally means "something sweet or (we give you) something sour", aka trick or treat. 

With maybe half the Halloween crowd in my town being ethnical Americans (we live near some US barracks), I replied in English, which confused them a little. One of them said something like "was that English?" to the other, but by that time, I already understood what was going on. 

Since I had no candy handy (hey, that rhymes!), i ventured into the kitchen. In my closet, I just had a ton of oat meal and some gummy bears with cake flavor, but I'd either have to give the whole bag to two kids (a bit hard to share) or give each of them some measely single gummy bears without a bag.

So I checked my fridge, but other than the peach yoghurt that expired a month ago (aren't I such a single guy cliche?), I only saw some Foccacia bread and flavored milk.

Finally, I decided to give/offer them my last two white chocolate raspberry energy bars (I love them, but always feel like a fattie after eating them^^) and to my surprise, not only did they know them, but they also seemed really thrilled about their "haul". I was happy I could make them happy and we exchanged some words. Before I could close the door, they asked me if I/we have a cat. I saw it's Jonesy (the cat I adopted) and said yes and called him by the name I gave him (god knows what his real name is) and they said it's a cute name.

After that, I continued to work, but because Jonesy was there, I decided to cuddle with him first. While we both lay on the couch, the doorbell rang, spooking Jonesy. It reminded me that Halloween wasn't over yet. But since I had no more candy, I honestly didn't know what to do, other than hide. 

After 2-3 visitors over the next 2 hours, the knocking and doorbells stopped. But as the evening progressed, I started to think more and more about it and how stupid and guilty I feel now.

I mean, I am so used to my solitary life that I actually hate that I gave away a chance to socialize a bit with kids (which I like anyways because they usually still have manners and are polite) and that I automatically seem to assume the worst about others. 

I thought if I opened the door and told them I have no candy, they'd be mad or something and it's better to pretend nobody is home. But I shouldn't assume. Even if they were mad or something, wouldn't it make for a good story?

And wasn't that first encounter of the evening a pleasant surprise? 

I have noticed this about me in the last 3-4 years. I seem to have become such a negative and judgemental person, very anti-social and misanthropic. But I actually like people. It's just a certain group of hedonistic hypocrites I can't stand. Yet most people aren't like that. 

I really hope that as much as I feel sad and ashamed about my behavior today, I can learn a valuable and lasting lesson from all of this. And treat people better and give them the benefit of the doubt. After all, that's what I often wish people gave me...

PS: Damn, I just remember, I had 2 Snicker Bars in the vegetable crisper!

The days of yesteryear

Today I thought about how much times or I have changed. It's not that long ago that I was only 4 or 5 and I was super happy when I received a Hörspielkassette (kind of like an audiobook for kids on tape) for my 5th(?) birthday. The cassette had the same number as my age, so I remember it well. It was a Benjamin Blümchen story (about a talking elephant) where he left his zoo and went to Africa with his young human friend Otto. I listened to it over and over again and had breakfast with my grandparents (they had bought it for me). Basically, I was just super happy with it and I always enjoyed being with them. 

I'd usually eat breakfast in the room where they also had dinner (it was the kid's room previously) or sometimes we had on a little pull-out table in the kitchen. Many times, it was toast and because the toaster was already a bit old, my grandma would scratch off the dark bits and usually put creamy cheese on it. Sometimes jam. 

It's weird for me to think that my grandparents must have been in their late 50s then, because I am not that far off anymore. I spent a lot of time with them because my mom had to work and I would usually go there after kindergarten or school. Until I was 10 or 11, we lived close to them too, so my mom would let me stay there as she had to go to work. 

If we didn't have breakfast or lunch or dinner, I'd draw (my grandma still has those drawings, it seems I drew a lot of war stuff) or watch whatever cartoon was on tv or play outside with the other kids.

That seems so different to how kids must grow up today with smartphones and YouTube and everything. We had none of it and I miss it:(. Sometimes I'd join my grandpa to walk to the nearby farm through the dark to get some milk in a can he brought and we'd have fresh cocao with fresh milk and watch some tv series or something (although we rarely were allowed to eat in the living room).

Basically, many, many things that I take for granted now and that aren't that special anymore were back then, simply because they were treated as special occasions.

I also remember reading A LOT! Since we learned how to read in 1st grade and I had my first library card, I must have read 100-200 books per year easily. I wasn't picky either, I'd read pretty much anything! Comics, books for girls, books for kids, even some books for adults. I guess it was my way of escapism, for I already seemed to feel a certain depression at a young age (my grandma said I once asked her why I can't die/why I am alive and I was only 5 years old). 

I remember that in those days, my mom would take me to see her friends and their kids a lot. Many of them, I lost touch with decades ago or can't even remember. But I think it was very important to be around other children in those formative years. Even though I would read a lot later on, I would also do things you don't even see in movies anymore, like sack races, playing hide and seek or being on playgrounds. I also recall that we didn't care at all about race or gender or disabilities. I seem to have been friends with a little Turkish girl who gifted me a necklace with a gods eye. If I think about it now, it's really sweet and I wonder what happened to that necklace. 

I also recall having a ring with a dolphin that I really treasured, but I lost it in 1996 on our trip to Austria in a public bath or it broke or something and I was devastated:(.

I mention all these things because I feel that everyday life back then and now couldn't be more different. And I am not sure why. Is it just the changes in technology? Is it because I am older, so my interests changed? Did I become a victim of instant gratification? I mean, back then we couldn't choose what movies to watch or what shows. You'd watch whatever was on, WHEN it was on. And we didn't get to or want to watch that much tv anyways. We'd play outside or inside, with or without toys, Nintendo or boardgames...there was a variety and I think we were happier for it. 

I mean, I do recall that I sometimes watched a movie while playing with my Gameboy at the same time. But is that the same as playing with our phone? Gameboys had no internet! 

I just wonder if there's a way I can feel like that child again. And at the same time, I wonder if I actually glorify the past and if it wasn't all THAT happy and just seems happy through rose colored lenses because it's in the past now?