Dating and Relationships

Is it normal that dating and trying to be with someone is changing? Or is it just my personal experience?

20 years ago, it seemed new, it seemed fun. You met people, you would have a coffee or tea somewhere and talk. You would get to know each other better by talking in person (sometimes SMS) and think about each other and feel excited to meet. And if things progressed, you looked forward to or enjoyed the first time you held hands, the first kiss, the first time you saw each other naked or made love.

But maybe it's the repetition? I hardly feel excited about any of it anymore. I had many first kisses or hand-holdings. And sex? I honestly don't see or understand the appeal anymore. It's really a super boring and pointless activity if you don't have deeper feelings.

Maybe it also depends on what exactly it is that makes us feel excited or in love? Frankly, I envy the people who easily believe they're in love and who feel nervous and excited all the time. Personally, I think it's been a "whooping" 3 times in my life that I felt really excited and exilerated when I had a partner. Is that normal? Or is simply something wrong with me? Other people seem to be so excited to meet someone or even nervous. I felt that exactly twice in my life. 

Maybe it's the lack of the unknown. Dating has become like flying or riding a bike or other things that become "normal" and a routine. 

But if that's the case, shouldn't all people feel that? Shouldn't all people around 40 be bored with it? Disillusioned? 

Sometimes I think why I even want a relationship. I think I hope for someone who can understand me, but also someone I can truly feel proud to have as a partner, someone who just feels right. And obviously, I hope that they feel the same way. But that seems difficult, because people don't seem all that interested anymore in deep conversations. Most women I know are paralyzed by fear and insecurity. Because they were hurt before, they seem to actively fight themselves to fall deeply in love and want to "control" their feeling. But not only is that unfair if the other person doesn't, it also can't work. 

And yet being just all alone doesn't seem to be an option either. Other people seem to have some physical or chemical effect on us that's calming and helps to create or stabilize happiness and joy. 

Maybe my friend is right and I should take a break from it all? Even if I get to know someone who seems interesting, they usually live far away and are in no position to visit me or would. And I have done it too many times with little to no success that it's my top priority unless that person can really convince me they're serious. 

Why does it always seem to be so one-sided or up to one person to do everything or the majority of the effort? Why can't it be balanced? Everything in the universe is. And I think for us pitiful humans, it has to be the same. 

Is love just pure luck?

Lately, I saw people online that I went to school with. All of them seem to be in a relationship, many married. Some also have kids. All seem to have good jobs too. 

It made me think about relationships and life. How much of it is really dependent on luck? On our personality? 

Some of those girls or boys were pretty bad/selfish people. Why do they seem to succeed at all these things and I/friends of mine don't?

Relationships and love in general seem to have changed a lot or were never like I thought they are.

For me, a relationship was always something that requires equal effort, risk and investment.

But from what I have seen in reality, most relationships are deeply unhealthy, with one side always giving or risking more. This isn't just unfair, but it also seems bad for the person that gives less and takes more.

If we get something too easily, we usually take it for granted or don't appreciate its value. We won't fight for it or worry about losing it.

People basically seem to fear to "depend" on someone emotionally or financially. And I understand the financial fear (although in a relationship, you should have trust), but not the emotional fear. 

Don't you want a partner who would feel crushed if he lost your love? A partner who couldn't bear to be without you? And isn't it much safer if you both feel that way? Sort of a Cold War situation, where both sides don't wipe each other out, because there can't be a winner?

Over 20 years, I have tried to build a functioning relationship. I know I have a fear of abandonment and an anxious attachment style. I share the same fear of rejection, being abandoned or hurt that most women have. But I keep trying. I don't say "I tried and got hurt, now the women must come to me and take the risk alone", because first of all, that's not fair to them, second, it's unrealistic and third, it wouldn't be good for me either.

Still, I wonder, why do other people not seem to have this problem? Does it just seem that they have love and a true relationship? Is it only working, because one (probably the man) is involved far more and does far more, risk far more? 

I have seen so many women sabotage their happiness when their desires and actions just don't match. Women who say they want a family, a partner, true love. But then they were far too negative, too pessimistic and too afraid to truly trust someone, open their heart and love and be loved. 

Most men these days seem to have given up on women. They claim to be happy alone, but I don't know if we can be. 

The same goes for women. While I don't know if they have given up, they also claim to be happy alone. 

Now, men and women may seem to define alone different. I know women who have kids or live with family considering themselves "alone" (which they definitely aren't), while men who are alone usually literally are alone, without friends or family or even pets.

But no matter how they define it, I think our human nature makes it impossible for anyone of us to truly be happy completely alone and isolated.

So I don't understand why people make it so difficult for each other to build a life together and a relationship that can last for life. 

Of course it is "easier" to be single, because you don't have to consider others feelings or needs. You can just be selfish. But in my experience, going for the easy thing is usually unsatisfying and it leads to short-lived happiness.

Real happiness requires risk, work, effort and...well, risk! You need to be willing to take the same risk of potentially getting hurt time and time again and learn with the experience. If you are unwilling to do that, why would you deserve that someone takes this risk for you? How would you appreciate it?

It's just all very depressing. I think many people could have a healthy and happy relationship if only they were willing to put in the effort, take the risk... basically, treat people how they want to be treated. 

But is that really necessary? I know from those people I went to school with that some of them were absolutely selfish jerks (male or female). And yet it seems they found happiness with ease/without the struggle I or friends of mine have. What does this ultimately mean? Is finding true love really just a game of chance?

Turning 40/being alive?

On the tv show Scrubs, there's an episode in season 2(?) where a terminal patient ponders about life. They then sing a song:

https://youtu.be/GcsrnT7Tv1o?si=RWqA1059U7UdBFKf

"I'm waiting for my real life to begin"

I think since my early 20s, I always felt as if that's the motto of my life...

Maybe during my early childhood days and school days, I still felt somewhat alive. But after school, even when I worked, I always felt aimless, drifting, without a clear goal or purpose. I was "waiting for my real life to begin".

Other people seemed to do it right. They had many friends, did many activities and didn't seem to struggle with motivation.

Meanwhile, I struggled with depression, motivation and finding a real purpose. While working my first job, I started to think "is this going to be my life? Just work, home, eat, do some hobbies, sleep and repeat?". I didn't feel alive and I felt even worse that I did all this just for myself. Maybe because I had already spent many years alone, I felt tired of it. 

Later, there were times and moments when I thought I finally did start to live, when I felt alive. I felt more alive during my first visits to Indonesia or when I was with Dinar. And later, I met Mutiah and I was living with her, which seemed so much nicer than doing everything alone. It seemed to prove to me that being together/with someone instead of being alone was indeed better. It's not that the activities were that different (or more), but everything just seemed to be more fun together. 

And when I lost her/that, it dealt a strong blow to my will to live and it made me struggle for a purpose. After trying for new relationships, I eventually even felt like I sort of accepted that maybe that's just not in the cards for me.

Then, 2024, I met Lara unexpectedly and it seemed like that spark of life was back unexpectedly. Doing the most mundane things felt fun together. I felt alive again, like I participated in life like others did. And I believed the lies and false promises that this was what she wanted to (build something).

I also know that most people do not seem to care about relationships or having someone to build a life with even nearly as much as I do. I don't know if anyone is right or wrong here. And I know we shouldn't "depend" on others. But I also know what I actually feel. And after over 20 years of social isolation (partially due to myself, partially...bad luck?), I am definitely sick and tired of it. 

Now I turned 40 today. I mourn decades of time lost. I envy people around me who found someone to build something with, apparently with ease. I obviously wonder if the reason I couldn't find that is me or if it's just bad luck. Maybe it doesn't even matter, it can't be undone. I want to look forward and build something, but I also know, this is a fight of emotion and logic. Emotionally, I am DESPERATE and want to rush in and don't want to wait. Logically, I know that this obviously isn't possible. 

But I can't help it. I just don't feel as alive alone (anymore) as I briefly felt if I was part of a team (or thought I was). Maybe because being single is really not difficult and anyone could do it? And being with someone and staying together is a real challenge, but seems worthwhile? 

What really matters in our life? All the riches we can amass, the homes we can buy or build, the stuff we can buy - it's all for nothing once we die.

Love or family are also gone when we die. But we will know that we felt content during our life and until our death. 

I don't want to live in a world where selfishness is rewarded and we all fuck each other over. I want to live in a world of healthy challenges, where we can share our life with people on our intellectual level, ideally with an emotional connection too. Am I really asking for the moon or expect too much? Will my real life ever begin? Or is this as good as it will ever be?

Dream of Indri/people in our lives

Last night, I dreamt that I was in some kind of water park. I went on some slide (although it was more like some lazy river), but didn't seem to properly "slide". Some Japanese/Asian girls behind me complained, so I went back to the beginning of the slide to put some lotion or something on me in order to better slide.

There was a woman behind/near us that seemed very sympathetic to my situation. It seemed as if she was flirting with me/liked me, so I paid more attention to her. She seemed familiar to me and as I looked at her, I realized she is my old friend Indri who had one day just blocked me in 2017 when I told her I would soon move to Bali. I never understood why and it made me very sad back then, so I felt happy in a way that she somehow came back, but also confused why she even left to begin with. 

She wanted to be in my life again as... something/someone? It didn't seem romantic, but just sincere (and sincerity always touches/moves me a lot). So I accepted it. I asked her why she had done it back then, but she didn't tell me or said something like "does it even matter anymore?".

Throughout the rest of the dream which included some kind of weird meeting of me with the Penguin from Batman (and his associate) where we negotiated some terms on how to divide up the city between them and us (good), which included Indri, I just felt happy that she was in my life again. I woke up, feeling very sad, not wanting to have to return to reality and to continue dreaming. 

It all reminded me of what BoJack Horseman says on his show about how "in this terrifying world, all we have is the connections we make". 

Why do all the people that I let once get really close to me seemingly decide to leave me, except a few? Will those few leave me too?

Am I just an awful person to know or be around? Is it because of something I am totally innocent of, so it happening the way it did isn't my fault?

If it is my fault, I really wish I could know and understand why, so I could change and make amends. If it isn't me, I would still like to talk to them and find a way to maybe remind them that we were once close and had allowed each other to mean something to each other!

Indri was always someone who meant a lot to me. We met/knew each other online through MySpace back in 2006/07. We were close and once almost became a couple, although it ended sort of tragically when my ex/girlfriend showed up at the airport (apparently my mother told her?) when Indri came to pick me up. Indri had made me a mix tape/CD that I still have and the songs on it still remind me of her. I still feel bad to this day for what happened back then, because I really wanted to try to build something meaningful with her, even though I technically had that girlfriend. But that girlfriend had let me down time and time again, told me that she doesn't love me and that she loves and wants her ex, so I didn't feel we actually were a couple.

Back then, I was younger. I was stupid. I should have left with Indri, not leave Indri. I understand now that I probably did it because I was "addicted" to this ex girlfriend (who is one of 3 girlfriends I had that seemed so important to me that it really took me a lot of time and strength to move on from and who all were probably narcissistic or had a borderline personality and were very good at manipulating), but of course that's not an excuse. It's a reason. It's something I wish I could undo. 

Despite this, me and Indri remained close. I still have a letter she sent me in 2007 of how she just wants a simple, happy life, a small house, etc. I think I felt that me and her felt a connection because deep inside, we want something simple and true. Which makes it all the more sad that we never got it. 

I accompanied Indri throughout her relationship she had when things didn't work for us (I think she called the guy Brahms or something?). I was there when they broke up and she was sad and came to my place (I was in Jakarta at the time). I even slept with her at that time, even though I actually didn't feel like it's a good idea or I really wanted to, but it broke my heart to see her so sad and I didn't want to make her feel rejected again. 

It may sound like things for us were about romance or lust. But I never felt it was. Indri always felt more like an older sister to me. Someone I "loved" in a way, but because I felt she understood me, not because I thought we are all lovey dovey.

I guess now at almost 40, I can say that I felt a more adult "love" for her, compared to the juvenile love most of us mistake for real love that has much more to do with hormones and lust and temporary emotions? She is/was someone I always cared about. I even introduced her to other friends of mine to help her and because I think I always wanted a big family, so I was hoping that everyone that means something to me would like each other too. 

In 2012, I moved to Bali where Indri had moved not long before me. We now could have met more often, but sadly, we didn't very much. She was dating some Dutch guy (although it seemed like a strange, open relationship) and I felt a bit shocked and sad to see who Indri was now. 

Since she turned 30, she seemed more bitter. She talked negatively about men and seemed bitter and kind of hopeless. I didn't recognize the Indri that just wanted a simple, happy life. This new Indri seemed "sluttier" and self-loathing. Back then, I didn't really understand why. Being older now, I can understand it better, although it seemed that I had this phase of my life earlier/later (the nihilistic part where I was "sluttier" in my early 20s, the hopeless part more in the second half of my 30s). Now that I write it down, it actually makes me think of the many women I felt I have to "save"...

I also had soon found a girlfriend back then and met Indri only one more time in 2013 with said girlfriend. Indri always seemed to know me well and told me/pointed out to me that I sure knew how to "pick 'em". Maybe that's why I also miss her. She was always someone I could be honest with, who also was very honest with me. We could be emotionally naked in front of each other. 

Our contact after that lessened. Maybe because one of the friends I had introduced her to stole my life savings and I had asked Indri for help (she probably didn't like to be between the fronts, although I also thought her loyalty would lie with me, since we were friends much longer) and had to name her as one of the witnesses for the case. 

I think in 2015, after we had barely talked in over a year, I once just sent her a text, asking her how she was and she became very angry. She told me that she had the flu and how dare I ask her how she was (I guess I was supposed to read her mind/know?) and that was pretty much it.

In 2017, I simply told her that I would soon move to Bali again and would like to meet her. And she read it...and blocked me. I never understood that:(. We had known us for such a long time. Been through quite a few things together. Did none of that matter? 

But why do those things matter to me? Why do I still wish I could talk (just talk) to some of my ex partners? Former friends who just vanished? Is it wrong? 

People usually say "That's fine, Flo, it's their loss, just move on with your life".

But is this all life is? You get to know people, start to truly care about them, let them into your life and heart and then they just abandon you? Without even telling you why? Maybe even without a real reason?

If we do accept that and just jump from person to person and never truly let anyone get close to us or truly let ourselves get close to them, like a masochistic game of musical chairs, what's the point of life?? 

What's the purpose? How do we get there?

At this point, I often wonder what's the point of it all. Why are we here? Why do we live? Or maybe it's just me who asks himself that?

Recently, I felt very selfish. I still do. Am I as responsible as I thought I was? Have I changed?

It might not help that during this summer, I have a lot of memories of last summer haunting me. Last summer, I seemed to have a purpose, a goal, something to build and look forward to. But either I was just always lied to and manipulated by L or I also tricked myself by ignoring the warning signs and red flags. Or maybe it's a bit of both.

I was thinking a lot about what makes us fall in love and what love really is. Real love in my opinion should make you stronger, feel better (like my mother said who warned me early on that a relationship should add to your life, not take away from it). I realized that my relationships were always with people who I felt I have to fight for and struggle for to "earn their love". Maybe that's why I showed patience with them that even they remarked to be remarkable, because it was for myself too? Was it real empathy? Was it for myself? Both?

I would say a real love can be a bit selfish. I mean, if we help someone else to feel better and happier in their lives and have helped to make them feel better overall, doesn't this make us feel useful, proud and happier too? 

Even if we donate money, help homeless people, animals etc, one could say that we get something from it, because we feel like a "better" person.

I don't know if I try to rationalize being selfish here. Or if that's normal love?

But I keep hearing from people that we must learn to be happy on our own, that we must he able to be alone, etc. But can we? Whether we are active in religion, work, our family, doesn't feeling better or happy or ok always rely on other human beings or at least animals/creatures? Can anyone TRULY be happy, just completely alone, without any outside stimuli or acknowledgement or emotional and spiritual influence?

Even my friends who have other goals than me (I seem to see having a healthy relationship as a worthwhile purpose, also based on experience and having tried other purposes) seem to be "hypocrites" in a way. They may not pursue love out of different reasons. But they still keep themselves occupied with work or spirituality or things that require people or creatures. I mean, technically, I couldn't even KNOW anyone who doesn't do so, because they wouldn't communicate or be in touch with me or others. 

So yeah, I find myself struggling these days. I thought that analysis and pinpointing what may have caused it or understanding what happened last year or in previous years in relationships might help. And it does, RATIONALLY. But a person isn't just all rationality. We have emotions too. 

Now I could say my emotions just "betray" me, but I think that would be wrong and dangerous too. It would be like those women I know who just cut off any contact to someone they (claimed to have) loved and who simply surpress their feelings (I still don't know if I should envy them for this skill or not, to me it seems that they never actually TRULY loved anyone because they never opened their heart. If you ever opened your heart, how can you easily deal with those feelings of vulnerability and fear that come with it?). 

I did realize this about women (maybe some men) though: The women I tried to be with or "loved" (and I think I may have only loved the best in them, plus parts that maybe didn't exist and I just wanted to see?) either started to open their hearts to me, got scared and closed it again (which of course meant they can't receive love, nor give it) or they never even learner to open it or managed to always keep it closed from the beginning. Even those who did open their hearts at first seemed to do so more out of primal instinct than as a conscious decision.

Maybe me being somewhat autistic or "weird" and being so open with people is why I can say one of my few "known" good traits is that people can easily open up to me and be more trusting or open with me than most people. This SHOULD be a good thing, but it utterly seems like a useless trait to help me in finding a purpose.

Even someone from my past who told me she had severe problems to sexually climax with any of her partners from the other sex (and I think it's difficult to judge or evaluate the same-sex partner, since she knows the anatomy too well, so to properly compare, she'd have to re-live those times together as a man) could somehow easily achieve climax with me, especially during the early "idealization and love-bombing" phase, but it got a little "worse" later on (after she seemed to be afraid of how emotionally open she had become, something she didn't seem familiar with, having a history of basically only knowing toxic relationships all of her life, something she even acknowledged herself at one point). 

I don't have the ego or audacity to believe I am "such an amazing lover" that it's merely a matter of skill. Maybe I am an advanced intermediate. So logically, it must be the trust and comfort I can excude and give! The sincerity. 

I think like that because I did notice this with others too who were surprised that they coulr achieve climax with me. Statistically, only roughly ⅕ of women even CAN through vaginal intercourse. And since I have sufficient "number", I can be quite certain it's not just some statistical anomaly, but that my rate was far closer to ½ or even ⁶-⁷/10. 

And yet, does it help? I know it's of course not just about that or the sex itself. But isn't trust the most important thing for interhuman relationships? It starts when we're kids and we literally HAVE to trust our caregivers and they decide our fate. We literally live or die, based on their choices. 

So having this trait should make it easier or at least make me a viable option for anyone who is truly serious. 

And yet I seem to have always found or attracted people who could neither deduct this logically or merely feel it to stay and fight for/with me and make the same effort (or even more sometimes, I mean, why not?).

And the people who do seem to understand it or appreciate it always seem to have been people I couldn't feel this "love" for. 

So am I just doomed to miss and yearn for people that "don't get it"? Why would that be? Why would I be so stupid emotionally? How can I fix or change that?

By merely trying to stay with someone long enough that I like and care for, but don't have this passionate emotional desire for? Or am I simply not used to it when I don't have to do all the fighting and "earning of love"?

I just feel that now that I am almost 40, it really seems like I have wasted half of my life already and I just seem to feel unhappier with every year. And with less and less purpose.

At least with the purpose, I don't seem to stand alone (most people seem to lack any true purpose, especially one that isn't in one way or another linked to other people or emotions we receive from work, religion, family, friends = people). People also seem to be lonelier and lonelier, so I still believe and think it makes sense that purpose is very closely connected to people and other human beings. 

Yet the last piece of the puzzle that's missing seems to make sure EMOTIONALLY and in parts rationally who that person can be. 

Am I selfish?

What makes us selfish or unselfish? Are we selfish if we focus on ourselves? Is that the "self love" or "you have to love yourself first before loving others" thing people keep talking about? Or is it just a euphemism for selfishness?

Lately, I have compared myself to my own standards and ideals and I felt like a hypocrite. I don't feel like I truly "care" about anyone anymore (although I feel that includes myself too, which might be important). 

I don't seem to care about my future or my life. I don't seem to care if other people are disappointed in me, because I am already disappointed in me, so they're just catching up. 

I feel like I have let down people in my life. Family, friends, acquaintances. I want to be someone people can rely on, not someone who is unreliable and lacking empathy.

But I also think that I overestimate my own capacity of doing things. As it is, I can't seem to take proper care of myself or follow a regular schedule in my life. It was better the last two months, but has gotten worse again this month. I don't seem to be productive and can't sleep normally or follow a healthy routine. 

I struggle to even do small things, like properly cleaning my room, replying to people who reach out to me or acknowledging them. 

I may not "have to" respond to everyone, but I feel it's rude and unfair if I ignore or delay it. 

Maybe I have always made that mistake, that I felt obligated to be available and responsible? But I don't know if it is because I get older or because I have lost my drive or if I'm just lazy or selfish. 

Sometimes I wonder if I truly care about people in my life. I feel as if I do, but do I care about others because I actually care and I would put myself second over their well-being? Or am I just kidding myself and that's just something I tell myself? 

I haven't even visited my grandmother since I am back. I always have some reason or excuse. The same is true for my mother. I haven't visited her or helped her when she needed help or spent Easter with her.

Now I could say that my brother is doing all those things as well, but that's not the way I want to think. What he does is his responsibility. 

So yeah, I think I AM selfish:(. Question is, do I want to change it? And if I do, how can I change it? If I want to be a good partner for someone, I need to be sure that I am not just going through the motion or mimicking them, but that I actually mean it. And that seems like something that is hard to keep track off. Maybe I could use someone's help to see how I am doing with that. But who?

Logic

Logic. I always liked it. Logic helps us to understand things better that we otherwise can't explain. Or to make it clearer to ourselves what we feel. Or why. 

They say men are usually more logical. And they say women are more emotional.

But that hasn't always been my experience. 

First of all, the logic men call logic isn't necessarily the logic a woman calls logic. 

For a woman, it could be logical (for example) to spend all her money on fun things or trips, while a man might find it logical to save his money first. 

Yet I know men who follow a similar logic as the woman in the example above. And women who follow the example of the man above.

When it comes to relationships, logic becomes a tricky thing too. 

Love for example - is it logical? 

In a strictly biochemical way, yes. It's oxytocin and other chemicals in our brain that make us feel connected to another person. There's a logic behind that, because to date and mate, the goal (biologically) is to create a new life.

But how can a baby survive, if both parents are not together? The baby's chances are best if the parents are together and form a strong unit. 

And yet, if love was only logical, we could explain it. We could find reasons why we love someone that are purely logical. Like "this person is good to me" or "this person has great looks". But love doesn't work that way. I can't just decide to love any given woman, simply because she is a good match for me on paper. Neither can anyone. If it would be that easy, love wouldn't be magical or special. It would be ONLY logic.

So we need another element. Feeling. 

Now, when it comes to feelings, they say it's the women who are more emotional or in touch with their emotions. And it's the men who aren't.

But is that true? 

I personally must be a woman then, because I have always been in touch with my emotions (more than I would like to) and was always able to easily share and express my thoughts and feelings.

They say men usually can't do that. They say basically all women CAN and DO do that.

Again, not in my experience. Basically all the women I met, be it family, friends or women I dated are TERRIFIED to truly share their true thoughts or feelings. It's an absolute lie that women excel at this. They often don't even seem to understand or know what they feel or why. Or they openly fight feeling those feelings. 

I realized lately that every woman that broke up with me had in one way or another denied their own feelings, lied about them or had refused to feel the feelings/acknowledge them. 

I think I also know the reason for that. Feeling feelings is a double-edged sword. Everyone wants to feel positive feelings, nobody wants to feel negative feelings.

If people play a game, everyone wants the feeling of being a winner while nobody wants to be a loser. And yet, there can't BE a winner without a loser at the same time.

In the same way, you can't be in love or feel the happiness of a true relationship if you actively fight to feel love, fight the feeling to miss someone or to care about them. 

This is where women have lost me. 

I absolutely understand and am certain that the logical reason those women do that is fear. Fear of negative feelings, fear of loss. 

But how can those women not UNDERSTAND that? How can they not see that by being so negative, so full of assumptions, with such high walls around their feelings, they sabotage the very thing they claim to want?

It just makes NO LOGICAL SENSE!

Logic dictates that you can't receive love if you aren't open to feel this love. That's like wanting to feel dry while dancing in the rain. Or feeling less thirsty without drinking. 

I keep asking myself: Is this just how basically all women are? Are 90+% like that? Or do I just continue to meet the wrong women who can't understand this?

But I also wonder: Why would I feel attracted or interested in such women?

With my experience in February, I thought that I had kind of "cracked the code". That I realized, yes, I was indeed attracted to broken people/women. I thought acknowledging and confirming this would help me to take the next step in life. 

But lately, after meeting and talking to some female friends, listening to their stories and comparing it to my theories, I feel like my new found wisdom doesn't help me. 

If I met someone today and would date this person, how would I know if this person is one of the few exceptions? How would I feel attracted to someone normal? Can I be?

If I am only attracted to broken people with traumas, I shouldn't be able to feel attracted to any woman, correct? But if I did find a woman nice and interesting, wouldn't this automatically mean that she's broken and has trauma? And is thus undateable, because she won't allow herself to fall in love?

If I have to run away or end something at the first red flag, any person I could meet would have to be basically flawless (which I am not and which women aren't either, they're also only human). 

So I always felt that I pretty much HAVE to be patient, have to give a second, third, fourth or even fifth chance. Not because I want it. Certainly not. I hate it! But I guess because I think with male logic, that a woman would understand "ah, this man is different, he can be trusted".

I mean, it works with kids and animals, for crying out loud! Kids and animals are sincere and in touch with their instinct. A stray dog or cat won't trust you right away usually. But if you can give them a few chances, they usually will decide to trust you (or not). They will SEE and UNDERSTAND that you're DIFFERENT and WON'T HURT THEM.

So why can't women do that? Why do men like me think that they could be in touch with their instincts?

Basically, it's as if those women don't trust their own instinct OR feelings. Because if you start to see someone, tell them that you like them, miss them, are happy and safe with them, aren't you speaking the truth? And wouldn't logic dictate that if you then decide to suddenly give up on this person because you're afraid to get hurt or love them, you basically say "well, my very own feelings CAN'T BE TRUSTED"? Because this very same person that at first likes the other person now basically admits "guess I was wrong".

But how can they even know then what's right or wrong? If they already just proved that they absolutely don't understand or know their own feelings and instinct, leaving someone over fear makes no sense, because that's again - you guessed it - feelings and instinct. The very thing they don't understand themselves.

Really, it makes no sense to me. I remember Thelma Ritter's (may she rest in peace) character in "Rear Window" saying "back in my days, if you liked each other, you just started to be HAPPY TOGETHER! You didn't poke holes in it or sabotaged yourself with all your doubts. You counted your blessing that you found something most people never find and thanked the Lord.

But today? Nope. Women rationalize that "I guess you're not the right person for me" or something, but they don't actually KNOW who or what the right person for them would look or be like. 

You don't FIND the right relationship, you create and build it. And I would say in the same way, you don't FIND the right partner (there certainly isn't some "The one"), you find someone who shows you sincerity and then you work on your relationship together.

But although all this makes sense to me, it doesn't help me. It doesn't even matter if I am right or wrong. If I am wrong, well, that's self explanatory. But if I am right, it still doesn't matter, because women will never agree or act accordingly. And I can't understand that. Heck, they even seem to think they act on logic if they act this contradictive way. But a logic that sabotages you and defies logic isn't logic. It's a paradox. A contradiction. 

And if there's any conclusion, I think it's a very depressing, hopeless conclusion: That we're basically all fucked. Because if men and women can't have a common understanding of this, we can never have healthy, good relationships.