Am I selfish?

What makes us selfish or unselfish? Are we selfish if we focus on ourselves? Is that the "self love" or "you have to love yourself first before loving others" thing people keep talking about? Or is it just a euphemism for selfishness?

Lately, I have compared myself to my own standards and ideals and I felt like a hypocrite. I don't feel like I truly "care" about anyone anymore (although I feel that includes myself too, which might be important). 

I don't seem to care about my future or my life. I don't seem to care if other people are disappointed in me, because I am already disappointed in me, so they're just catching up. 

I feel like I have let down people in my life. Family, friends, acquaintances. I want to be someone people can rely on, not someone who is unreliable and lacking empathy.

But I also think that I overestimate my own capacity of doing things. As it is, I can't seem to take proper care of myself or follow a regular schedule in my life. It was better the last two months, but has gotten worse again this month. I don't seem to be productive and can't sleep normally or follow a healthy routine. 

I struggle to even do small things, like properly cleaning my room, replying to people who reach out to me or acknowledging them. 

I may not "have to" respond to everyone, but I feel it's rude and unfair if I ignore or delay it. 

Maybe I have always made that mistake, that I felt obligated to be available and responsible? But I don't know if it is because I get older or because I have lost my drive or if I'm just lazy or selfish. 

Sometimes I wonder if I truly care about people in my life. I feel as if I do, but do I care about others because I actually care and I would put myself second over their well-being? Or am I just kidding myself and that's just something I tell myself? 

I haven't even visited my grandmother since I am back. I always have some reason or excuse. The same is true for my mother. I haven't visited her or helped her when she needed help or spent Easter with her.

Now I could say that my brother is doing all those things as well, but that's not the way I want to think. What he does is his responsibility. 

So yeah, I think I AM selfish:(. Question is, do I want to change it? And if I do, how can I change it? If I want to be a good partner for someone, I need to be sure that I am not just going through the motion or mimicking them, but that I actually mean it. And that seems like something that is hard to keep track off. Maybe I could use someone's help to see how I am doing with that. But who?

Logic

Logic. I always liked it. Logic helps us to understand things better that we otherwise can't explain. Or to make it clearer to ourselves what we feel. Or why. 

They say men are usually more logical. And they say women are more emotional.

But that hasn't always been my experience. 

First of all, the logic men call logic isn't necessarily the logic a woman calls logic. 

For a woman, it could be logical (for example) to spend all her money on fun things or trips, while a man might find it logical to save his money first. 

Yet I know men who follow a similar logic as the woman in the example above. And women who follow the example of the man above.

When it comes to relationships, logic becomes a tricky thing too. 

Love for example - is it logical? 

In a strictly biochemical way, yes. It's oxytocin and other chemicals in our brain that make us feel connected to another person. There's a logic behind that, because to date and mate, the goal (biologically) is to create a new life.

But how can a baby survive, if both parents are not together? The baby's chances are best if the parents are together and form a strong unit. 

And yet, if love was only logical, we could explain it. We could find reasons why we love someone that are purely logical. Like "this person is good to me" or "this person has great looks". But love doesn't work that way. I can't just decide to love any given woman, simply because she is a good match for me on paper. Neither can anyone. If it would be that easy, love wouldn't be magical or special. It would be ONLY logic.

So we need another element. Feeling. 

Now, when it comes to feelings, they say it's the women who are more emotional or in touch with their emotions. And it's the men who aren't.

But is that true? 

I personally must be a woman then, because I have always been in touch with my emotions (more than I would like to) and was always able to easily share and express my thoughts and feelings.

They say men usually can't do that. They say basically all women CAN and DO do that.

Again, not in my experience. Basically all the women I met, be it family, friends or women I dated are TERRIFIED to truly share their true thoughts or feelings. It's an absolute lie that women excel at this. They often don't even seem to understand or know what they feel or why. Or they openly fight feeling those feelings. 

I realized lately that every woman that broke up with me had in one way or another denied their own feelings, lied about them or had refused to feel the feelings/acknowledge them. 

I think I also know the reason for that. Feeling feelings is a double-edged sword. Everyone wants to feel positive feelings, nobody wants to feel negative feelings.

If people play a game, everyone wants the feeling of being a winner while nobody wants to be a loser. And yet, there can't BE a winner without a loser at the same time.

In the same way, you can't be in love or feel the happiness of a true relationship if you actively fight to feel love, fight the feeling to miss someone or to care about them. 

This is where women have lost me. 

I absolutely understand and am certain that the logical reason those women do that is fear. Fear of negative feelings, fear of loss. 

But how can those women not UNDERSTAND that? How can they not see that by being so negative, so full of assumptions, with such high walls around their feelings, they sabotage the very thing they claim to want?

It just makes NO LOGICAL SENSE!

Logic dictates that you can't receive love if you aren't open to feel this love. That's like wanting to feel dry while dancing in the rain. Or feeling less thirsty without drinking. 

I keep asking myself: Is this just how basically all women are? Are 90+% like that? Or do I just continue to meet the wrong women who can't understand this?

But I also wonder: Why would I feel attracted or interested in such women?

With my experience in February, I thought that I had kind of "cracked the code". That I realized, yes, I was indeed attracted to broken people/women. I thought acknowledging and confirming this would help me to take the next step in life. 

But lately, after meeting and talking to some female friends, listening to their stories and comparing it to my theories, I feel like my new found wisdom doesn't help me. 

If I met someone today and would date this person, how would I know if this person is one of the few exceptions? How would I feel attracted to someone normal? Can I be?

If I am only attracted to broken people with traumas, I shouldn't be able to feel attracted to any woman, correct? But if I did find a woman nice and interesting, wouldn't this automatically mean that she's broken and has trauma? And is thus undateable, because she won't allow herself to fall in love?

If I have to run away or end something at the first red flag, any person I could meet would have to be basically flawless (which I am not and which women aren't either, they're also only human). 

So I always felt that I pretty much HAVE to be patient, have to give a second, third, fourth or even fifth chance. Not because I want it. Certainly not. I hate it! But I guess because I think with male logic, that a woman would understand "ah, this man is different, he can be trusted".

I mean, it works with kids and animals, for crying out loud! Kids and animals are sincere and in touch with their instinct. A stray dog or cat won't trust you right away usually. But if you can give them a few chances, they usually will decide to trust you (or not). They will SEE and UNDERSTAND that you're DIFFERENT and WON'T HURT THEM.

So why can't women do that? Why do men like me think that they could be in touch with their instincts?

Basically, it's as if those women don't trust their own instinct OR feelings. Because if you start to see someone, tell them that you like them, miss them, are happy and safe with them, aren't you speaking the truth? And wouldn't logic dictate that if you then decide to suddenly give up on this person because you're afraid to get hurt or love them, you basically say "well, my very own feelings CAN'T BE TRUSTED"? Because this very same person that at first likes the other person now basically admits "guess I was wrong".

But how can they even know then what's right or wrong? If they already just proved that they absolutely don't understand or know their own feelings and instinct, leaving someone over fear makes no sense, because that's again - you guessed it - feelings and instinct. The very thing they don't understand themselves.

Really, it makes no sense to me. I remember Thelma Ritter's (may she rest in peace) character in "Rear Window" saying "back in my days, if you liked each other, you just started to be HAPPY TOGETHER! You didn't poke holes in it or sabotaged yourself with all your doubts. You counted your blessing that you found something most people never find and thanked the Lord.

But today? Nope. Women rationalize that "I guess you're not the right person for me" or something, but they don't actually KNOW who or what the right person for them would look or be like. 

You don't FIND the right relationship, you create and build it. And I would say in the same way, you don't FIND the right partner (there certainly isn't some "The one"), you find someone who shows you sincerity and then you work on your relationship together.

But although all this makes sense to me, it doesn't help me. It doesn't even matter if I am right or wrong. If I am wrong, well, that's self explanatory. But if I am right, it still doesn't matter, because women will never agree or act accordingly. And I can't understand that. Heck, they even seem to think they act on logic if they act this contradictive way. But a logic that sabotages you and defies logic isn't logic. It's a paradox. A contradiction. 

And if there's any conclusion, I think it's a very depressing, hopeless conclusion: That we're basically all fucked. Because if men and women can't have a common understanding of this, we can never have healthy, good relationships.