Death is something we can't avoid. But while some of us fear it, some see it as a blessing or serenity. I guess it depends how we can still live our life, how frail or broken we feel, how happy or unhappy we are.
I have been thinking about my own death the older I am. It can be scary sometimes to know that some years won't ever come back.
Sometimes I feel that if death comes, that's not bad. I believe in heaven, so death might just be the beginning of something new.
Then there's technological advance. Some say that in the near future, we can freeze our body (or something like that) and our mind can live eternally in "the cloud" or something. And while I am not sure if that isn't actually awful, it does seem interesting in a way. Isn't our mind 80+% of how we experience life? If we sleep and dream, we don't use a body and yet feel as if we run, fly or swim.
But then there are times when I also wonder if death is scary. Is it? Well, pain would be scary, especially if it won't end. But I think that's not something I would have to be too afraid of, unless it's something like radiation poisoning.
Is it because we can't experience new things? Well, sometimes I already feel sick of how fast everything is changing just now. Not finding out what comes next might be a blessing if it sucks anyways.
I also think about death because my grandfather is in the hospital now and it seems that he doesn't have long to live anymore. I knew that this day would come, but I don't know how to feel or behave.
When my grandmother (paternal) passed away, I felt...well, I guess happy for her?
I knew that she was very lonely and missed her late husband. So I knew that she is now reunited with him. And that she didn't have to suffer long. I also knew that she was already tired of life. So dying was something she wanted and she could. Logically, that made it reasonable to feel happy for her.
I also know that my grandfather wanted to die for the last 5 or 6 years already. But my grandmother told him that they should still enjoy their time and life and I think it's good that they did.
But since they are in a nursing home, both have deteriorated dramatically. My grandfather physically, my grandmother mentally.
My grandfather has been in and out of the hospital 4-6 times in the last 2-3 months, so it seems like a bad sign. And this time, it seems it's the final time, although they plan to release him on Monday. But he is basically like in a waking coma: He can open his eyes, but seems unable of speech or movement.
That's not a life and I feel everyone wishes him that he could pass away, rather than to suffer.
As for me, I feel that whatever it is that HE wants is what should happen. If he still wants to be around, even as a kind of husk, maybe he should. But if he is suffering, I also feel it would be best for him if he could go peacefully.
What confuses me sometimes is how...untouched I seem by all this. I don't cry or feel miserable, yet some movies (with characters that are not real) make me weep. Am I cold-hearted? Or is it because real life just lacks the glamour and glitz that creates those emotions?
I love my grandfather and wish him well. But if I cry or plead, it won't change the outcome. I also don't think he'd want it. So maybe that's why I feel/see this all in a logical way?
But it does make me wonder how emotional or logical I really am. Sometimes, I seem to be very emotional, sometimes I seem to be so emotionless that it borders on nihilism...
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