New Year's Eve

I never liked New Year's Eve. I can't say why, as I recall, I still somewhat enjoyed it when I was a child, remembering having Raclette (melted cheese with potato) with my grandparents and their friends, plus I got to stay up until midnight (which usually was impossible for me at that age).

I think I started to dread the day after a very lonely and depressing New Year's Eve in 2004(?) that I spent all by myself in my mom's apartment with only our cat. It was during the height of my depression and I felt so alone and miserable that I just wanted to die and seriously contemplated to kill myself (but thank god I started reading the Bible instead). 

So since then, I never really liked this day and was happy when it was over. I did get to spend a few New Year's Eve's with someone, like 2006 with my ex-girlfriend Dinar or 2013 with Jasmin. But even then, I wasn't 100% happy (although I felt much better, so it might be the loneliness of this day). 

What is it about this day that makes us feel alone? Is it really any different than other days? I don't feel that way on Christmas or the 30th of December. 

Maybe it's because it is the end of another year. It's showing us the final tally for the year, everything we did and didn't achieve.

As for me, there isn't much I achieved in 2022. I mostly just worked and slept a lot. The few highlights (going to Indonesia, meeting my friends, being in touch with my Japanese friend again, meeting the cat Jonesy) seem few in comparison to what could have been.

But then I also wonder, what is it that I expected? What could I have done that I didn't do? What can any of us do? I couldn't marry anyone and even if I did, that would be just between me and that person.

I don't have this feeling my friends seem to have where they actually feel really happy with the person they have. Maybe that's because I haven't had anyone special in such a long time? 

But I also wonder if having someone is what I really want or expect. I think what I really miss is mostly human contact, conversation, etc. You don't necessarily need a girlfriend for that. 

And yet I also wouldn't know where to begin to make a male friend these days. People in general seem so interchangeable and generic, nobody really seems very interesting. 

So maybe it's all those things that New Year's Eve is reminding me of?