Earlier, I woke up sort of late (2:30pm) and only watched some tv while I waited for my mother to stop by. We watched "Gattaca" together which was nice. But even as she was still there, I felt like my mood was dropping and that it would only get worse once she left.
After she did leave, I went upstairs to my dad to just be near someone for a while, still watching the movie he watched, but now I am alone. And I keep wondering why this happens almost every week, almost every day. Why is my mood constantly changing and deteriorating? Why can't I feel ok most of the time?
This way, I don't even know how to enjoy my life or live it :(. And I don't understand how other people can or why they don't seem to have this problem.
In my quest to find the possible cause of my low mood, there are certain things that might cause it. It could be how I always multitask (even now, I walk, listen to music and type). It could be the smartphone that has made multi tasking and constant distraction normality.
Depression is said to be caused by stress. But as I am currently more or less without a job, I shouldn't feel stress. Or is it the stress of having nothing to do and the pressure to feel joy?
Even though there are some things I could do, I always seem to have excuses or reasons not to do them. I could draw something, but I don't. Why?
I could continue my puzzle, but I fear it would leave me too conscient and aware of my depression. I learned to constantly distract me because of the depression, so maybe that's why?
I could also play a video game or watch something, but I can't seem capable to enjoy it.
Yet when my mother was here, I felt like I could focus better. It usually seems to be that way, that if I am not alone, I tend to feel better, even though I might not feel perfect.
I really hate this condition because I feel I don't really have a life. Other people enjoy travelling or events or even just tv and a book and I can't seem to enjoy those things or I might start to enjoy it, but it could end any moment.
If I would ditch my medication and smartphone, what would happen? Would I feel better? Worse? Would I kill myself out of desperation? I kind of want to try it, because I haven't tried that yet, but I am also scared. It seems it was different to keep ourselves busy 10-20 years ago. I had similar options and felt similar, but it seems it was overall a little better?
I really don't know how to live like this :(. Not knowing every day if tomorrow will be a day where I can enjoy things or if it's just another day for me to wait to fall asleep in hopes of tomorrow finally being a "normal" day...
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