Sad Christmas

This is my first Christmas without visiting my grandparents at their own home. It doesn't really feel like Christmas at all :(. It's a very lonely, very depressing Christmas.

Growing up, I remember that when my parents still lived together, we celebrated Christmas as a family and with my parent's parents. As a young child, you are excited for Christmas and happy to have gifts, eat cookies or being able to watch good movies on tv.

But now as an adult and for the last couple of years, things have changed a lot. Christmas feels like just another day and I don't care about gifts or cookies. Streaming has killed tv and the abundance or oversupply of things to watch made me lose interest in watching things. Which is sad, because I watching movies like Home Alone or Die Hard as a family was always a tradition.

Maybe I feel unhappy because I feel this way in general lately. Maybe if I had a good partner to share my life with, I would feel happy or happier? That is my hope and wish at least. 

But I am also afraid. What if I would still feel depressed and sad if I had someone by my side? Is it just because I am alone and without a family? Or is it also how the world has changed?

A few weeks ago, I was still in Indonesia. I felt a stronger Christmas spirit there (which is ironic because there is no snow), but the country also has changed. 

10-15 years ago, I thought if I could move there,  life would be happier. But now and after living there 2018, I am not sure anymore. Probably because I am not sure what it really is that I/we(?) need to feel happy. Is happiness the company of others? Can we feel the same happiness people felt decades ago if we live a simple life with loved ones? Or have we as humans become so greedy and addicted to the internet, constant distractions and dopamine that happiness is just something we can't find anymore? 

I am starting to worry that it is the latter. I could do puzzles, play games, watch movies, travel...and yet I don't feel motivated to do anything these days. I just get up late in the morning and eat something and watch some tv while simultaneously playing puzzle games on my phone to pass the day, only to repeat that the next day. 

It's quite stupid, I think. I should use what little time I still have to spend with my grandparents and parents. Instead, I always seem to do nothing or wait for something (I don't know what) like for my real life to begin.

At least 20 years ago, I would keep myself busy by playing games, doing things with my family or brother or reading. Now I don't do much of that. Is it any wonder why I feel less happy?

I just wonder if other people feel the same way. Do they also feel bored? A lack of motivation? Do they feel life has become too easy and that because of that, life is now less joyful?

I really hope that I can spend my next Christmas with family and loved ones :(. I think we all should. I just wish I knew how to escape this feeling of hopelessness.