Am I selfish?

What makes us selfish or unselfish? Are we selfish if we focus on ourselves? Is that the "self love" or "you have to love yourself first before loving others" thing people keep talking about? Or is it just a euphemism for selfishness?

Lately, I have compared myself to my own standards and ideals and I felt like a hypocrite. I don't feel like I truly "care" about anyone anymore (although I feel that includes myself too, which might be important). 

I don't seem to care about my future or my life. I don't seem to care if other people are disappointed in me, because I am already disappointed in me, so they're just catching up. 

I feel like I have let down people in my life. Family, friends, acquaintances. I want to be someone people can rely on, not someone who is unreliable and lacking empathy.

But I also think that I overestimate my own capacity of doing things. As it is, I can't seem to take proper care of myself or follow a regular schedule in my life. It was better the last two months, but has gotten worse again this month. I don't seem to be productive and can't sleep normally or follow a healthy routine. 

I struggle to even do small things, like properly cleaning my room, replying to people who reach out to me or acknowledging them. 

I may not "have to" respond to everyone, but I feel it's rude and unfair if I ignore or delay it. 

Maybe I have always made that mistake, that I felt obligated to be available and responsible? But I don't know if it is because I get older or because I have lost my drive or if I'm just lazy or selfish. 

Sometimes I wonder if I truly care about people in my life. I feel as if I do, but do I care about others because I actually care and I would put myself second over their well-being? Or am I just kidding myself and that's just something I tell myself? 

I haven't even visited my grandmother since I am back. I always have some reason or excuse. The same is true for my mother. I haven't visited her or helped her when she needed help or spent Easter with her.

Now I could say that my brother is doing all those things as well, but that's not the way I want to think. What he does is his responsibility. 

So yeah, I think I AM selfish:(. Question is, do I want to change it? And if I do, how can I change it? If I want to be a good partner for someone, I need to be sure that I am not just going through the motion or mimicking them, but that I actually mean it. And that seems like something that is hard to keep track off. Maybe I could use someone's help to see how I am doing with that. But who?