Valentine's Day

Soon it's Valentine's Day again. Even though it's not a real holiday (the actual Saint was killed with arrows to the heart for trying to do missionary work if I am not mistaken), it makes me kind of sad because it reminds me of the current state of dating for myself and in the world.

For over 19 years, I have tried to find someone suitable to have a happy relationship with, but other than having some moments of fleeting happiness, I never found it. I only had one Valentine's Day when I was physically close to my partner and we had a big fight that day, so I never had a happy one. 

This year, it just reminds me of last year and the other Valentine's that sometimes seemed so full of hope and perspective, but ultimately just didn't amount to anything:(.

Then again, I wonder if it's better for others, like the women I dated. Did some of them have a romantic or happy Valentine's Day? If they did, how come they are alone again? If they lost that special person, doesn't such a day hurt them now? I guess not...

I seem to be pretty alone in feeling sad about the past and in remembering things so clearly. If people did something nice for me, I usually remember it forever, but this doesn't seem to be the case with women (at least those that I dated). 

I am confused what women actually want or desire. Women/modern young people seem to fear any kind of responsibility, so it doesn't make much sense to me that some of them are even looking for a relationship. It's like a fish, looking for a bicycle. He can't use it. And they couldn't be in a relationship. 

Maybe it's due to the way we are being raised these days. All of us have traumas and the parents of those children were probably often unfit. The kids might have an avoidant or disruptive attachment style, which means that they believe they want and are ready for a relationship, but they really fear the intimacy and vulnerability of it. 

This is tragic, because it puts everyone else at danger of getting hurt. 

I met my share of broken people (really, it seems to be the ONLY kind of women I can fall in love with) and it breaks my heart that I can't help them. Yet I don't seem to be interested in helping those that COULD be helped or saved:(. 

I don't know anymore...is true love something people still understand? That they are capable of? Ready for? Am I even ready for it? I feel like I am. But since I can't find or meet the right woman, I have become rather hopeless. In a way, I feel like St. Valentine, with arrows having pierced my heart 💔 💘