Recently, I felt very selfish. I still do. Am I as responsible as I thought I was? Have I changed?
It might not help that during this summer, I have a lot of memories of last summer haunting me. Last summer, I seemed to have a purpose, a goal, something to build and look forward to. But either I was just always lied to and manipulated by L or I also tricked myself by ignoring the warning signs and red flags. Or maybe it's a bit of both.
I was thinking a lot about what makes us fall in love and what love really is. Real love in my opinion should make you stronger, feel better (like my mother said who warned me early on that a relationship should add to your life, not take away from it). I realized that my relationships were always with people who I felt I have to fight for and struggle for to "earn their love". Maybe that's why I showed patience with them that even they remarked to be remarkable, because it was for myself too? Was it real empathy? Was it for myself? Both?
I would say a real love can be a bit selfish. I mean, if we help someone else to feel better and happier in their lives and have helped to make them feel better overall, doesn't this make us feel useful, proud and happier too?
Even if we donate money, help homeless people, animals etc, one could say that we get something from it, because we feel like a "better" person.
I don't know if I try to rationalize being selfish here. Or if that's normal love?
But I keep hearing from people that we must learn to be happy on our own, that we must he able to be alone, etc. But can we? Whether we are active in religion, work, our family, doesn't feeling better or happy or ok always rely on other human beings or at least animals/creatures? Can anyone TRULY be happy, just completely alone, without any outside stimuli or acknowledgement or emotional and spiritual influence?
Even my friends who have other goals than me (I seem to see having a healthy relationship as a worthwhile purpose, also based on experience and having tried other purposes) seem to be "hypocrites" in a way. They may not pursue love out of different reasons. But they still keep themselves occupied with work or spirituality or things that require people or creatures. I mean, technically, I couldn't even KNOW anyone who doesn't do so, because they wouldn't communicate or be in touch with me or others.
So yeah, I find myself struggling these days. I thought that analysis and pinpointing what may have caused it or understanding what happened last year or in previous years in relationships might help. And it does, RATIONALLY. But a person isn't just all rationality. We have emotions too.
Now I could say my emotions just "betray" me, but I think that would be wrong and dangerous too. It would be like those women I know who just cut off any contact to someone they (claimed to have) loved and who simply surpress their feelings (I still don't know if I should envy them for this skill or not, to me it seems that they never actually TRULY loved anyone because they never opened their heart. If you ever opened your heart, how can you easily deal with those feelings of vulnerability and fear that come with it?).
I did realize this about women (maybe some men) though: The women I tried to be with or "loved" (and I think I may have only loved the best in them, plus parts that maybe didn't exist and I just wanted to see?) either started to open their hearts to me, got scared and closed it again (which of course meant they can't receive love, nor give it) or they never even learner to open it or managed to always keep it closed from the beginning. Even those who did open their hearts at first seemed to do so more out of primal instinct than as a conscious decision.
Maybe me being somewhat autistic or "weird" and being so open with people is why I can say one of my few "known" good traits is that people can easily open up to me and be more trusting or open with me than most people. This SHOULD be a good thing, but it utterly seems like a useless trait to help me in finding a purpose.
Even someone from my past who told me she had severe problems to sexually climax with any of her partners from the other sex (and I think it's difficult to judge or evaluate the same-sex partner, since she knows the anatomy too well, so to properly compare, she'd have to re-live those times together as a man) could somehow easily achieve climax with me, especially during the early "idealization and love-bombing" phase, but it got a little "worse" later on (after she seemed to be afraid of how emotionally open she had become, something she didn't seem familiar with, having a history of basically only knowing toxic relationships all of her life, something she even acknowledged herself at one point).
I don't have the ego or audacity to believe I am "such an amazing lover" that it's merely a matter of skill. Maybe I am an advanced intermediate. So logically, it must be the trust and comfort I can excude and give! The sincerity.
I think like that because I did notice this with others too who were surprised that they coulr achieve climax with me. Statistically, only roughly ⅕ of women even CAN through vaginal intercourse. And since I have sufficient "number", I can be quite certain it's not just some statistical anomaly, but that my rate was far closer to ½ or even ⁶-⁷/10.
And yet, does it help? I know it's of course not just about that or the sex itself. But isn't trust the most important thing for interhuman relationships? It starts when we're kids and we literally HAVE to trust our caregivers and they decide our fate. We literally live or die, based on their choices.
So having this trait should make it easier or at least make me a viable option for anyone who is truly serious.
And yet I seem to have always found or attracted people who could neither deduct this logically or merely feel it to stay and fight for/with me and make the same effort (or even more sometimes, I mean, why not?).
And the people who do seem to understand it or appreciate it always seem to have been people I couldn't feel this "love" for.
So am I just doomed to miss and yearn for people that "don't get it"? Why would that be? Why would I be so stupid emotionally? How can I fix or change that?
By merely trying to stay with someone long enough that I like and care for, but don't have this passionate emotional desire for? Or am I simply not used to it when I don't have to do all the fighting and "earning of love"?
I just feel that now that I am almost 40, it really seems like I have wasted half of my life already and I just seem to feel unhappier with every year. And with less and less purpose.
At least with the purpose, I don't seem to stand alone (most people seem to lack any true purpose, especially one that isn't in one way or another linked to other people or emotions we receive from work, religion, family, friends = people). People also seem to be lonelier and lonelier, so I still believe and think it makes sense that purpose is very closely connected to people and other human beings.
Yet the last piece of the puzzle that's missing seems to make sure EMOTIONALLY and in parts rationally who that person can be.
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