20 years ago, it seemed new, it seemed fun. You met people, you would have a coffee or tea somewhere and talk. You would get to know each other better by talking in person (sometimes SMS) and think about each other and feel excited to meet. And if things progressed, you looked forward to or enjoyed the first time you held hands, the first kiss, the first time you saw each other naked or made love.
But maybe it's the repetition? I hardly feel excited about any of it anymore. I had many first kisses or hand-holdings. And sex? I honestly don't see or understand the appeal anymore. It's really a super boring and pointless activity if you don't have deeper feelings.
Maybe it also depends on what exactly it is that makes us feel excited or in love? Frankly, I envy the people who easily believe they're in love and who feel nervous and excited all the time. Personally, I think it's been a "whooping" 3 times in my life that I felt really excited and exilerated when I had a partner. Is that normal? Or is simply something wrong with me? Other people seem to be so excited to meet someone or even nervous. I felt that exactly twice in my life.
Maybe it's the lack of the unknown. Dating has become like flying or riding a bike or other things that become "normal" and a routine.
But if that's the case, shouldn't all people feel that? Shouldn't all people around 40 be bored with it? Disillusioned?
Sometimes I think why I even want a relationship. I think I hope for someone who can understand me, but also someone I can truly feel proud to have as a partner, someone who just feels right. And obviously, I hope that they feel the same way. But that seems difficult, because people don't seem all that interested anymore in deep conversations. Most women I know are paralyzed by fear and insecurity. Because they were hurt before, they seem to actively fight themselves to fall deeply in love and want to "control" their feeling. But not only is that unfair if the other person doesn't, it also can't work.
And yet being just all alone doesn't seem to be an option either. Other people seem to have some physical or chemical effect on us that's calming and helps to create or stabilize happiness and joy.
Maybe my friend is right and I should take a break from it all? Even if I get to know someone who seems interesting, they usually live far away and are in no position to visit me or would. And I have done it too many times with little to no success that it's my top priority unless that person can really convince me they're serious.
Why does it always seem to be so one-sided or up to one person to do everything or the majority of the effort? Why can't it be balanced? Everything in the universe is. And I think for us pitiful humans, it has to be the same.
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